- your pretty porcelain face -

i tried out some freestyle because i was told to.

it seems like you don't care anymore.

you come to me when you are sad or depressed

we never talk or laugh

to me, its like you only use me for an emotional doll.

Yes, that's what I am to you.

a doll.

a stupid f*****g doll that you can pull at my strings and toss me back and forth.

my porcelain arms begin to creak

my glass eyes shatter

my body begins to break.

My clothes are tattered and my smile is cracked

I am a doll, still a broken doll.

The children see me, they scream and shout and cry.

"Look! It's broken and scary! It's eyes follow me!"

 tears fall down my face

I am not an It

I am no doll.

I was not a doll until you told me I was

I had a soul and feelings

I had family.

Now you ruined my everything,

you pulled me into your drama, and strings began to tie themselves onto my wrists.

this string is too tight and my doll face cannot take it.

Finally you shatter me, throw me on he floor because I began to speak to you.

"Why do you treat me this way? We were friends"

You cry, now

you know what you've done.

I am no doll

you made me become one.

Reviews

[JayG]

Watch your images and word associations:

• to me, its like you only use me for an emotional doll.

What function does "to me it's like" play that's necessary (and you need to use apostrophes)? Isn't everything said here said from the viewpoint of the speaker? Remove those four words and it's about the person the poem is about. With them and it's someone talking about themselves. And of course, when you remove words it reads faster and has more impact.

• a stupid f*****g doll that you can pull at my strings and toss me back and forth

I give up. What's a "stupid f*****g doll?" How is that different from "a stupid doll?" Or how is it different from just "a doll?" Eliminate every unnecessary word.

And... Dolls have no strings. Put them on and it's a marionette, not a doll. Plus, marionettes and dolls are not tossed "back and forth." We play with them.

Every unnecessary word you remove makes the line read faster, and have more impact. And this line is filled with them. Take them out and you have something like:

a doll you can use...a toy to abuse.

Focus on emotion, not visual detail.

• my porcelain arms begin to creak

Porcelain is brittle, it never creaks, only breaks. And "begins to" can only take place once, in an instant But this poem is about an ongoing condition, so it doesn't track.

In general, though, you make your point, which is that the one being talked about is a b***h. So, point made in the first line of the first stanza.

But the reader knows nothing about the person being talked about. They know nothing about the one complaining. They have no idea of why this person didn't say, "Bye," and walk away when the abuse first began. So once the point is made, does the reader want to know all the ways in which uncaring behavior is demonstrated? Perhaps, if you made them care. But what you're doing is presenting a list of complaints.

So: You make your point. You hammer your point home. You drive your point into the ground. You splinter your point. You smash your point into powder. You...

You get the idea, I'm sure.

My point? INVOLVE the reader, don't just talk to them. Make them cry, don't talk of your tears. Make them feel. Make them CARE

Entertain them.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[JayG]

Convey anger? No. How can we be angry when we know nothing about the situation? And why does it matter to a reader is this unknown person is angry at someone we've not met? You assume that simply because someone unknown says that another unknown treats them badly the reader will take that as being true, and take their side? For all we know the one speaking is a stalker, and in all ways deserving of the treatment. It's your job to be certain the reader is made to care.

In your head the situation is clear, and the reaction justified. But only you hold that view, because you provide no context, just a list of, "You did this...you did that...and you also did..."

Remember, intent doesn't make it to the page. And your reader has only what the words suggest TO THEM, based on THEIR background, not yours. So if you don't involve them as participants, it's no more than a report on how you feel.

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and honest words shared dear Peyton.
"I was not a doll until you told me I was
I had a soul and feelings
I had family."
When we forget the value of another. We made someone know true sadness. Hard to regain friendship and love once again. Thank you for sharing the amazing words and thoughts.
Coyote

[Risk n' Wondering]

man this hits close to home, i can feel the pain in those words, makes me re-live old times with a different perspective, well done!

[MeathooksMcGee]

Visceral! Good! I feel like you're speaking with power.

Good direction Peyton

[Stan Lee]

Super work with the metaphors & imagery. Freestyle is definitely something you can do. Well. You told a full story here and skillfully. Thanks for sharing.

[Brent]

Yes, I can definitely visualize the emotion-less gaze of a doll. It's interesting to think that children used to have fun playing with dolls. But, the dolls may have had a different experience (I'm trying not to go on a whole Toy Story tangent here...)

When people try to strip away your emotions and belittle you, it's a sign of their own weakness. We must live, change, and grow with our environment to avoid being like emotionless "dolls".