MInd

Opening scene to a story that I don't know if I want to write.

        A young man sat on a foldout chair in a room without windows or a door. He was wearing what he wore when he went to bed that night. The room had dark red walls. The room was bright, but no light source existed. The ceiling, floor, and walls looked exactly the same. The room was empty except for him and the chair.
        He tried to get off the chair and found his legs wouldn't work. He tried moving his arms. Nothing happened. He tried to scream for help. His mouth didn't even move. Only his head seemed to move.
        As he began to panic, a part of the wall in front of him extended from itself. The piece glided along the wall and exposed a rectangular area of darkness. A man in a dark blue shirt and blue jeans stepped out of the shadows. The fragment then returned to the wall. He walked over to the man sitting in the chair and leaned forward so his faces almost meet the seated man.
        "Hello James. Do you remember me?" the man in the blue shirt said.
        James shook his head quickly four times.
        "I figured you didn't, but I remember you. You once knew me under the name Ryan, but I'm now called Hades," The man said. "Do you know who Hades is James?"
        James tried to answer the man, but his voice wouldn't come.
        Hades told James," He was the Greek god of the underworld. The brother of the mighty Zeus. Do you know why I call myself that?"
        He shook his head.
        "Because I am going to kill you, James. You are going to pay for what you did to me," Hades told him angrily.
        James frantically moved his head about trying to move any part of his body.
        Hades grabbed his head and forced James to look at him. He then told him," You are wasting your energy, James. Nothing will move. Only your head will and that is only because I allow it. "
        James jerked his head free from his grasp. He looked at his feet instead of Hades.
        "How do you think I keep you from moving around without any restraints? How this room has no windows or doors?" Hades asked him as he circled around the chair. "Because it isn't real.
        At this, James looked at Hades with a puzzled look.
"It is all in here," Hades said tapping on James forehead.
        He then snapped his fingers and a jet of fire erupted from the floor behind him.
        "Goodbye James. Burn in Hell," Hades said calmly and began to laugh. He stepped through the fire, which was growing larger, and disappeared.
        James could feel the intense heat in the room. He tried once again to move. Nothing happened. He shook his head in desperation, hoping his body would move at any moment. Suddenly he couldn't move his head. Against his will, his head faced forward looking into the fire. Flames started to burn his legs. He tried to scream, but still couldn't. The fire quickly engulfed his entire body, burning every part of him. It was only then that his body responded to him. He jumped out of the chair screaming in agony. He ran around the room trying to get away from the fire, but couldn't. The room was filled with fire and there was no way out.
        In the real world, James slept in his bed. He moaned and moved around. He was covered in a cold sweat. Nearby, a man in dark green jacket and jeans sat on a fold out chair. He smiled under the hood of his jacket.
        "Goodbye James," said Hades as he stood from the chair. He snapped his fingers. James gave one last groan and then went silent. His heart had stopped beating in his chest.
        Hades left James' apartment, closed the door behind him and left the building.

Author's Note

This is the opening scene to a story that I don't know if I want to write.

Tell me what you think of it.

If you like and want a story from this introduction, tell me. If enough people tell me they want a story from this, then I will write one.

Reviews

[Weaver]

"Only his head seemed to move" - Seemed to move, or was able to move?
"so his faces" - Is this a typo, or do you mean that he has more than one face?
"Hello James" - comma after "Hello" (Use a comma to separate a direct address - calling someone by name, for example - from the rest of the sentence)
"...called Hades," The man said" "the" (Don't capitalize the first word of a dialogue tag if it wouldn't be capitalized otherwise)
comma after "who Hades is"
comma after "moved his head about"
comma after "Only your head will"
closing quotes after "Because it isn't real"
"looked at Hades with a puzzled look" - "looked at Hades in puzzlement"
"Hades said tapping on James forehead" - "Hades said, tapping on James' forehead"
comma after "snapped his fingers"
"Goodbye James" - comma after "Goodbye"
comma after "head faced forward"
comma after "jumped out of the chair"
comma after "filled with fire"
"a fold out chair" - "foldout"
"Goodbye James" - comma after "Goodbye"
Just a point of correction: It is NOT necessary to use "asked" (or its equivalent) in the dialogue tag where someone asks a question, because that "asked" is understood from the punctuation; "said" is always acceptable.

[revenant21]

I will definitely read more if you continue this.

[Cam]

This seems very interesting, and for an opening I enjoy it, gets me hooked right then and there. :)

[chloe cruz]

This was really great...... Awesome, and interesting! Hope you continue it.

~ Chloe

[Meradee]

This is absolutely amazing! I felt...I can't describe it. I'm hooked! I want to hear more about it. What did James do to Ryan/Hades? How does Ryan/Hades do the fire in the mind? Will there be other people that have pissed off Ryan/Hades? I really want to know. Even if you don't decide to write the story I would like an idea of what happens in the story. Please, I'm craving for more!

[Bella22]

I definitely think that you should continue this story! This story has the potential to turn into something great. It left me wanting more.

This seems very unique and I would enjoy reading more of it.

[Wunderlich]

This seems pretty cool, but make sure you associate the correct verb with the dialogue.

"
"Hello James. Do you remember me?" the man in the blue shirt said.
"

"Said" should be "asked" or another verb such as "inquired". It's nothing serious, and I'm sure it was more of a typo, I do it when I'm typing quickly, but that was the only problem I had with the story, so yeah :D

I'll check out the full version if you continue this.

[Rebecca Rogers]

I think this would make an excellent prologue to a book.

Go for it! :)

[Wildecat]

ATG I agree with both of the ladies, this does have potential so get it out my friend. Nice write. Oh FlameDM asked me to read this.