unrequited love

a one-sided love that is not openly reciprocated or understood as such by the beloved. the beloved may not be aware of the admirer's deep and strong romantic affection or consciously reject it.

since I met you at the bus stop in 4th grade, I've been in love with you. little did you know, every day when we went to the park after school, I was hoping it would end in a kiss goodnight. instead, you became part of the family. you treated my parents as your own, came over all the time, and brought your girlfriends over for the family to meet. I would tell you about my feelings, you would say it's just a phase, or you would say the feelings weren't mutual. then I would get cut off for awhile; no answers to my texts, no smile back when I saw you in the hallway. it sucked. my feelings would fade, but it's like you knew the moment they went away and then you'd suddenly be back into my life.

all throughout junior high and high school, it was the same thing. people would ask if we were dating every time we went somewhere, or ask us how long we had been together. each time I died a little bit inside, but I knew it wouldn't happen. I couldn't commit to date anyone else because you still had my heart, and there was nothing I could do about it. they just weren't you.

then you met HER. she was "perfect" you said, she was everything you had ever wanted. she was sweet, innocent, and loved you for exactly who you were. but she wasn't me. she didn't know everything about you, all your little secrets ever since you were young. she didn't know about that cute little thing you did with your nose when you were uncomfortable; you would just scrunch it up & wiggle it ever so slightly. she loved you for you, but she never challenged you to be a better you. she never challenged you to stop doing drugs and focus on schooling, since your grades weren't the best. she didn't challenge you to find new friends who actually cared about you and didn't talk s**t behind your back. & she definitely wasn't there when you got evicted on your 18th birthday, and I sat to comfort you while you thought about how things would be so different now that you were going to college but your mom didn't have anywhere to go.

eventually, I just gave up. I realized that I wasn't good enough for you, and I would never be.

when you went on vacation with my family, everyone got pissed off around us because you were constantly flirting and leading me on, even though you were still with HER. on the last night, we took a moonlit walk on the beach; it was like the romantic s**t of movies. you caught me up on all the family drama, vented to me about your father never being the role model that you needed. but then you thanked me. you thanked me for being there all those years, and thanked me for accepting you into my family as one of us.

I swore that night I fell back in love with you, harder than I ever had before. but once we got back home, you didn't say a word to me. you didn't even come to say goodbye before you went back to school, which you promised you would.

my family is heartbroken, probably even more so than I am, because I know all the reasons behind all the heartache you caused me. they constantly wonder where you are and why you haven't been by, and then go into these deep discussions of why we would be perfect together & how much they would love to have you in our family. the funny thing is that you already are. you share our inside jokes, you're in family pictures, you go on vacation with us...

you have forever left scars on my heart that will never be fixed. I love you so much, yet hate you even more at the same time.