Numb

i can feel your breathing
its keeping me sane.
dont know if i should tell you
i feel so much pain.
dont know if i should stay
or turn around and run
let life take me by the hand
and guide me to the sun.
things that i was sure of
now fill me with doubt.
as i try to find
what life is all about.
so tell me, will you help me, search till kingdom comes?
no, but i dont want that
just make this pain feel
numb.

Reviews

[Jessica]

You're really talented. I like the rhyming. I could never do that myself, and I love seeing it in other's writing. Enjoyed reading it!

[Robert Erickson]

"in my mind is all this pain." this sentence doesn't flow quite right, it has two unneccesary syllables.
"so tell me, will you help me? search till kingdom comes?" It's one question, not two, unless you wanted to say,
"So tell me.
Will you help me?
Help me search 'till kingdom comes?"
There is no real need to answer your own question, it destroys the rhetorical nature of the questions.

Other than the, the same points from the other piece I reviewed.