Flightless Bird, Blinded Hound

A poem about love, believe it or not.

I can't say I'm good, but I can't say I'm bad.
The sight of your face smiling was the best I ever had.

I remember the flowing verses that you spoke for me
right before you left, but you said them tenderly
as if you didn't have a choice except to leave me here.
Now those parting words are the things that I hold dear.

The last fragments of your memory are phonemes in the air--
Not that you'd remember. Not that you would care.
You played your part so well and now it's time for the applause.
I'm wading through effect but I can't seem to find the cause.

The thought of burning your notched bedpost seems to be too tame
for another star-crossed lover who could not play your game.
I wonder if you're lonely when you're left with what you've done.
You're the champion of contest, but the prize you've sought's not won.

Use any thought you can to contemplate and justify.
Keep chasing after songbirds without believing they can fly.
Keep looking for the something that will come to fill the void,
While by your own neglecting hand your hopes are all destoyed.

I'm a sparrow rendered flightless by your listless indecision,
But I'd rather lack the flight than be devoid of proper vision.

Author's Note

I'm not sure yet how I feel about this poem, so please give me your honest feedback! Thank you so much.

Reviews

[Britt Foster]

This is a very beautiful, emotional, /real/ poem.
It flows quite well and I like your wording. It's very pretty. I especially like the lines,
"I'm wading through effect but I can't seem to find the cause."

"Keep looking for the something that will come to fill the void,
While by your own neglecting hand your hopes are all destoyed."

and

"I'm a sparrow rendered flightless by your listless indecision,
But I'd rather lack the flight then be devoid of proper vision."

The ending is incredibly strong. It's a clear statement of refusing to accept the indecision of the other person despite feeling strongly for him/her. It really ties the poem up well and leaves a standing impression on the reader's mind.

I also really like the rhyme scheme of the whole thing and the words you chose /to/ rhyme. It's difficult to find pretty, fitting words that rhyme and get the message across, but you've done so perfectly here.

The only suggestion I have it perhaps even out the syllables used in each sentence. Use the same number of syllables in the verses that rhyme with each other or the same number of syllables every other line or something. Its not all that important and definitely not necessary though, of course -- it would only make the piece roll off the tongue better.

Great piece! I love it! ^^ Keep up the amazing work.

[ABitBrokenPoetry]

i love this. the title, the metaphor= brilliant, that last stanza packs a punch. my suggestion: it really doesn't start getting good until the 3rd stanza. the 3rd stanza & beyond is powerful, intense, & descriptive, right up to the ending lines. but the 1st 2 are weaker & don't really fit with the rest of the poem. you could rework them alittle or take them out all together & start with "The last fragments of your memory...". but that's just my 2cents. overall i really loved this piece!