As this long gloomy day advances, comes a night that holds a certain sorrow within itself. The intolerable pain seems to never alleviate.
People often say whatever happens,happens for greater good but, I would rather have him here than being having done any good to me. The GOD to whom I prayed daily with my all my heart to protect my family, took him away from us. What he ever did wrong? He wasn't trying to steal, he wasn't trying to hurt anybody, he was trying to live his life. I never asked god to fulfil my desires or my wants, I just asked him to take care of my family! Maybe I asked for too much, or maybe I asked some divin being to do something so far-reaching. Is there or was there any God? No, I believe. If there had been a divine being, why would he, or any being, do something so atrocious. There isn't any God. There never was. There never have been. I think people created this God to blame or to hold account of someone for their unexpected, unimaginable sufferings. Us is God. It's our inner self, our inner voice.
So,My Brother is my God now. He is my inner voice, the one who would assuage all my pain, all my agonies. But, we are human. I am a human. We are millions of miles away to being perfect. The heart wants what it wants. It wants him laughing, crying besides me. It wants to hear his soft voice. It wants to hear his kind words. I need him here. The Family needs him here. He doesn't belong up there. It's too soon for him to become a star. He had an entire life to live, a wife to start a family with and a family to take care of.
I can keep on going like this ever & anon, keep on looking for reasons to allay myself why he is not here, but the reasons won't be enough to explain why what happened, happened. Candidly, a part of me would never believe that my brother is not here among us.
His memories is what all I have of him. And as the night gets darker,I reach towards his voice,his words. I bask in his warmth. I smile at the light hearted memories. I can truly hear what is important again. The heart is adrift in the memories of childhood. The world in which we used to reside in has dimmed into a sullen glow. And as I try to recall his countenance from my memories, tears roll down my cheeks. It's better to let it all out. I peer at him through the dark, I stare at his eyes; they seem to stare at me with pathy. I can see comprehensibly that he is not jovial being up there. He seems resentful not being here with his family. Why wouldn't he be? Why wouldn't anyone in his place be?
The light continues to die as we stare at each other. I try to grasp him but the light dims further. The darkness is consuming him, stealing what was my light. My eyes filled entirely. The world that was a heaven, is now a world I cannot seem to live in and be content. The sorrows, sadness keeps on augmenting inside the heart. And sometimes, It's too much for this delicate heart to bear. The anger towards this treacherous, unfair life is ineffable. I just want to cry my heart out, cry rivers. I just want to get on top of the world and shriek out loud to this world, the creator, the divine being to bring my brother back. But, the heart knows it's just crying for the moon. And eventually, I had have to come to senses and be an amenable being. So many things left unsaid; many things left undid. A beautiful world with him in it came to end. Afterall, we are mortal. But, we live as long as we are remembered. And My brother,big brother, will live forever. I'll honour his memories. Breath by breath I'll build a new world again embracing the challenge. And in my heart he'll be, moving forward him with me. Until we meet again in heaven to fly.
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