A Time In My Mind

Thought's before I felt the real.

Things are much simpler lying In the grass

The sun Is less explosive than dandelions 

when the wind blows

I could reach the tops of trees 

In my wildest dreams

Here enjoying these sights with me 

Is the girl I love so wildly

Now Is the second time I'm noticing a breeze

carrying the scent of her to me

My eyes closed

I hear the wings of birds and bees

A Gaza strip of skin showing between

where her shirt fights for territory 

with her jeans goes unseen

Thankfully

My eyes might have asked my hands to intervene

The day stays clean 

In my mind for eternity

Reviews

[Elise Anton]

You know, I read it and the only thing that 'jangled' was the Gaza bit. Then I scrolled down and saw Barleygirl - my alter ego as I am hers - feel uncomfortable about the same thing... I re-read it. It's so poignant I am jealous. Except for that bit. Was it intentional? A statement you are making? Or simply a way to describe 'the fight for territory'? If the latter, then it still jangles. If the former, then I get it. Hasn't helped at all has it?

[barleygirl]

Your reviews help me understand my own reviews better, Elise . . .

[richy]

It was supposed to portrait my mind's battle and her jean and shirt's battle at the same time. It's a holy ground to me. I didn't mean to make light of The actual battle in the middle east.

[richy]

I guess if I were a genius this would be a political piece but alas I was just in love.

[Elise Anton]

Alas... 'just' in love? There can be no 'just' if it produced pieces like this you fool! (nice fool).
@Barleygirl, that's something I keep thinking. Now you're scaring me.

[barleygirl]

It's all good, tho, Elise . . . & Rich, it wasn't like you were desecrating the Gaza strip, it's just that it seemed a comparison not of the same "lightness" as your other comparisons & descriptions.

[Elise Anton]

I've been sitting here trying to think of another way to phrase it... frankly I am stumped. Much as it 'jangles' (I don't know what possessed me to use this word) it best describes the situation (from a guy's perspective) so I need to concede here, really, PC be damned. (Sorry). Sometimes poetry/words take us to places that it shouldn't (seems more so me than many others lol) so who am I to say that PC needs to be applied or considered? richy I keep confusing you I know, but the motive is always well-intentioned.

[barleygirl]

Some poems take a few readings to get used to any jangles . . . a grudging acceptance is also growing in me, too.

[richy]

ACCEPT ME NOW

[barleygirl]

Damn you! I was just thinking of this, too. We're getting psychically linked. I think there's something highly attractive about a person who is willing to change & yet will stick to a certain thing that has been voted out. I swear, it's growing on me.

[Elise Anton]

CAPITALS? REALLY? Methinks you are getting a little too cosy in your greatness... I BOW TO YOU OH GREAT ONE!

[barleygirl]

I wish you hadn't of showed up, Elise, much as I love your company. Now this egotistical b*****d will think he's got women bowing down to him, as he ORDERS US AROUND!!!!!!!!

[richy]

The type of Egotist i am wants equals to bow to him. You guys are my equals NOW BOW!

[Elise Anton]

NOW GO FORTH AND... No do do that. It will only create more of you, God help us all!

[Érenn]

The feel to this poem is gentle yet achievable. The time in your mind is something i think i would read and try to make it a reality. I am sure you do too ^^ And a lovely piece, loved it.

[barleygirl]

This is a nicely-crafted poem of gentle sensations out in nature, mingling with a building desire in the narrator's mind & body. I like the way "reach the tops of trees" foreshadows what this narrator really wants to climb onto. I think "gaza strip" is a cryptic reference & it seems like a harsh departure to reference a war-torn land in the middle of a softly seductive poem. I think there might be a better way to suggest this thin strip of territory is fought over, without straying from your gentle natural references thru-out. I wish many male writers of seductive scenes could learn from your next-to-last stanza, with everything after "thankfully" being truly brilliant & artfully suggestive (so sick of blatant artless references to carnal bodily functions). Thank you for flagging me on this nice read.