Summary

Summary

A Chapter by Dr. YumnaKay

What should have turned out as a normal flight to Paris turns out to be the most troubling experience for Jane and what would bring her back the memories she’d tried to bury.


Julian couldn’t have been more mistaken when he thought it would be an easy getaway to hijack a plane. For he doesn’t yet know who is aboard the plane he’s come to hi jack.


The mysterious man who hires Julian for the hijacking, what’s his purpose and why is he so intent on keeping himself a mystery?




© 2017 Dr. YumnaKay



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Your writing is well-done & this prologue gives us an idea about this character & her life, why she's leaving. The piece ends with a suspenseful statement about something bad to come, compelling the reader to continue reading.

first line: "are requested to be seated" (not direct, the way it's said) . . . try: "Will all passengers please be seated."

Sounds passive: "As the flight attendant made the announcement, Jane came out of her deep reverie and checked her mobile." It could be more dynamic (suggestion): "The flight attendant's announcement snapped Jane out of her reverie . . . "

Excessive meaningless words: "In actual, she had not wanted to leave but it had been the situation in her company that had made her do it." To be more streamlined (suggestion): "She actually didn't want to leave, but her company insisted."

Hint: Verbs preceded by "had" are passive . . . try changing such verbs to be active & dynamic to make your writing interesting & compelling.
Example: "Jane just wasn't able to process everything that had been going on . . . " Here's a more dynamic way to say it: "Jane's mind felt scrambled from everything hitting her at once."

You don't have to use my exact suggestions. But I just wanted to show you some examples of how this can be done. Of course, you will use your own style. The main point is to pick verbs that show us something interesting, instead of the one-dimensional boring verbs: had done, did, feel, thought, said . . . verbs can be the place where your story really comes alive.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Thank you! All points noted! Will work on the suggestions.. I agree with you! I wrote this piece a m.. read more



Reviews

It may be 2 paragraphs but it sets up the story succinctly.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Thank you! This means a lot 😊
I want to know what happens !! :D

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Hah well you will have to wait for like 2 months for that 😝
Thank you for reading ☺
The piece was good and I would love to know where its going to go. Yes there are errors which have been ppointed out in other reviews BUT the only thing which I would like to add is that you sentences are just the right length - not too short or too long - Just right.

Mark.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Thank you, Mark! I just need the right amount of time to work on this one... Your appreciation means.. read more
matrixmark

11 Months Ago

Not a problem. We are here to help one another to become better writers.

Mark
Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Yes indeed :)
I agree with Barleygirl on this. To begin with, the prologue is only two paragraphs, so there's an attempt to try to get too much information across.
Some streamlining may help i.e.
She was going to Paris on a vacation but she wasn't happy.
could be
She was going on a Paris vacation but she wasn't happy.

The second paragraph is all telling. It feels flat.

The first sentence tells us what she looks like, but is there a way for another person to let us know, another passenger perhaps?
Such as
As Jane stuffed her bag in the overhead she caught a glimpse of the young man in the seat next to hers
smiling up at her. She smiled back. "You're very beautiful," he said. A blush spread across her face.

The second sentence could be eliminated all together, or introduced a bit later in the conversation.

The young man asks why she is going to Paris, she replies

My company is sending me because I exceeded my monthly quota for the sixth month in a row.

I know the prologue is a brief introduction to the story, but I feel it needs to be longer, maybe a full page.

The plot sounds like it will be a good story.

Writing is the easy part, editing is harder. Good work so far, Keep at it.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Thank you, Ted! I will certainly bear in mind the points you mentioned.. Noted! Your appreciation as.. read more
I'm not good critic on novels but I can say that this story will be interesting. Congratulations and good luck on your new novel :)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Hah well thank you for the nice wishes! It means alot ☺
YanZeros

11 Months Ago

You're welcome :)
Your writing is well-done & this prologue gives us an idea about this character & her life, why she's leaving. The piece ends with a suspenseful statement about something bad to come, compelling the reader to continue reading.

first line: "are requested to be seated" (not direct, the way it's said) . . . try: "Will all passengers please be seated."

Sounds passive: "As the flight attendant made the announcement, Jane came out of her deep reverie and checked her mobile." It could be more dynamic (suggestion): "The flight attendant's announcement snapped Jane out of her reverie . . . "

Excessive meaningless words: "In actual, she had not wanted to leave but it had been the situation in her company that had made her do it." To be more streamlined (suggestion): "She actually didn't want to leave, but her company insisted."

Hint: Verbs preceded by "had" are passive . . . try changing such verbs to be active & dynamic to make your writing interesting & compelling.
Example: "Jane just wasn't able to process everything that had been going on . . . " Here's a more dynamic way to say it: "Jane's mind felt scrambled from everything hitting her at once."

You don't have to use my exact suggestions. But I just wanted to show you some examples of how this can be done. Of course, you will use your own style. The main point is to pick verbs that show us something interesting, instead of the one-dimensional boring verbs: had done, did, feel, thought, said . . . verbs can be the place where your story really comes alive.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Thank you! All points noted! Will work on the suggestions.. I agree with you! I wrote this piece a m.. read more
Plot is interesting! Can't wait to see what happens next. If romantic novel then she is bound to meet someone at her brother's place... If horror then some ghost troubles... If some blast from the past then ex following her to the same place...

Just a guess... Keep writing, Thanks for sharing!

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 11 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Well, it is a romantic thriller based on hijacking.. The hijacker is gonna be the key character here.. read more
tanmay7551

11 Months Ago

That's good... So either hijacker or some other person will be the love interest.

Gre.. read more
Dr. YumnaKay

11 Months Ago

Hah most probably 😉
Thanks again ☺

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7 Reviews
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Added on December 9, 2016
Last Updated on April 24, 2017
Tags: suspense, fiction


Author

Dr. YumnaKay
Dr. YumnaKay

Karachi, Sindh, Pakistan



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