Chapter 1

Chapter 1

A Chapter by Dr. YumnaKay

"All the passengers are requested to be seated. Please switch off your mobile phones. The flight is about to take off". As the flight attendant made the announcement, Jane snapped out of her deep reverie and checked her mobile. She was off on a Paris vacation but she wasn't happy. In actual, she had not wanted to leave but it had been the situation in her company that had made her do it. Her mind was too scrambled to process everything that had been going on since she first started the job.


She turned around to stuff her purse behind her and caught a young man glance at her. He smiled flirtatiously as their eyes met. She smiled back but faced forwards not wanting to engage in any conversation.


The need to get away from everything was so strong that she had jumped at her father's suggestion of going to see her brother in Paris. Time away would surely help her process things better and come back with a healthy state of mind than she had left with.


But fate had something else planned for her.

                               

                                         ******************

 

“Jane, wake up! You’re going to be late!” Her father screamed at the top of his lungs as he entered the room. Moving up the blinds, he turned to face her.


“Now see here, young lady! You know why you have to go, hurry up or you’ll miss the flight!”


She got herself off the bed while shielding her eyes. “Yes, Dad, I know! Now will you please go so that I can get ready?” she said, irritated. As her father exited the room grumbling a little at her outburst, she couldn’t help feeling the doom which crept up her mind. She shrugged it off and within 10 minutes was in and out of the washroom, ready to start the day.


She went to the kitchen, moving slowly, as if it could stop the time too, and sat down at the table, pushing her plate towards her without a word to her father, who glared at her lack of response.


“Clearly, twenty-six of your upbringings have done nothing to improve your manners, right?”


“Dad, please,” she mumbled. Then, deciding she didn’t want to leave on an unpleasant note with him, added “Good morning”. He huffed but said nothing.


There was only the noise of their eating for a while after which he said, “I really hope you enjoy these holidays, Jane.”


Her relationship with her dad had been pretty much cooler since her mother’s death five years back, so she appreciated the words with a nod but couldn’t help grimacing at the thought. She doubted she would be able to enjoy as much.


Finally, her father got up, picking the car keys from the table. “Come on, let’s get going” he said almost sadly. Jane was her only daughter and after his wife’s death and his son, Keith’s, moving out to live in Paris, she’d been everything to him.


They sat in almost silence while on the way, occasionally talking about the weather and everyday things.


They were right on time for the flight. She couldn’t help the surge of sadness flush over her as she waved her father goodbye. It was the first time she’d been going away somewhere.


She took her seat on the plane and laid her head back, finally to have some rest.

                                                             

                                       ******************




© 2017 Dr. YumnaKay



Author's Note

Dr. YumnaKay
Tell me your honest opinion about the story line, plot and everything. Thank you :)

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Featured Review

Aloha Yumna, I did read the summary a very nicely done tease, concise and enough to make me want to know more.

I liked the lead in, easy to follow and settle into the flight and story. I wonder if the smiling young man will have a greater involvement in her fate. On meeting Jane she feels accomplished to me like someone well skilled beyond her years, but lacks a bit of worldly/life experience..?
Then as the chapter moved on I see a daughter and father dynamic which gives her this kind of innocence, learning that she had never been away before kind of solidifies that.

"Clearly, twenty-six of your upbringings have done nothing to improve your manners, right?”

I loved that phrase, made me laugh...sounds like something an island mom would say :) this is a nice change in my reading. Izzy

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

6 Months Ago

I didn't think anyone would pick on the importance of that man but since you have so yeah he's certa.. read more
Island Hippy

6 Months Ago

You're welcome



Reviews

I rarely take the time to read a book on this website, but I'm going to try to do it now. I am definitely hooked on your storyline & your storytelling has a good pace & carries the reader along with interest. Good descriptions & dialogue in good balance. I did notice a few grammatical errors, which I'll note below. If you're not welcoming corrections, please feel free to say so & I won't do it anymore.

It seems your story is lacking a glimpse inside Jane's mind, as to whether she is excited or not about seeing her brother. This is mostly a description of her actions, with the sense of impending doom. Maybe it would be good to include an extra thought or two, so we can know more about the relationship between her & her brother. Right now, this feels like a blank spot.

1st paragraph: "In actual, she had not wanted . . . " . . . "in actual" sounds awkward . . . try: "Actually" . . . or "Usually"

2nd paragraph: "and caught a young man glance at her" . . . sounds awkward, try "glancing at her"

3rd paragraph: "with a healthy state of mind than she had left with" again, awkward . . . try "with a healthier state of mind"

Later on: "twenty-six of your upbringings have done nothing" . . . I don't understand what this (26 of your upbringings) means, maybe you're referring to her years, but that isn't clear. Maybe use "twenty-six years of upbringing" (???)

All in all, good start & I'll be reading on . . . (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 3 Weeks Ago


Aloha Yumna, I did read the summary a very nicely done tease, concise and enough to make me want to know more.

I liked the lead in, easy to follow and settle into the flight and story. I wonder if the smiling young man will have a greater involvement in her fate. On meeting Jane she feels accomplished to me like someone well skilled beyond her years, but lacks a bit of worldly/life experience..?
Then as the chapter moved on I see a daughter and father dynamic which gives her this kind of innocence, learning that she had never been away before kind of solidifies that.

"Clearly, twenty-six of your upbringings have done nothing to improve your manners, right?”

I loved that phrase, made me laugh...sounds like something an island mom would say :) this is a nice change in my reading. Izzy

Posted 6 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

6 Months Ago

I didn't think anyone would pick on the importance of that man but since you have so yeah he's certa.. read more
Island Hippy

6 Months Ago

You're welcome
And I see, the adventure is about to unfold. Lets see how this turns out

Posted 7 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

7 Months Ago

Interesting to see you reading through this. I hope this doesn't disappoint you 😉😊
Sir Drift & Mr. Pulse (Y.A.D.)

7 Months Ago

I know this wil be a good read
Dr. YumnaKay

7 Months Ago

But it will be an incomplete read since it's just in it's starting lol 😛
Interesting, lovely beginning Yumna!
You gave some background of Jane, and it flew really well in the first chapter!
"“Clearly, twenty-six of your upbringings have done nothing to improve your manners, right?”
I chuckled at this sentence :D
The starting of the chapter was with the hostess annoucement which gave me some feels of being in the plane which felt kinda cool :D
Keep it up!
Going to read the second chap


Posted 7 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

7 Months Ago

Thank you for liking the first chapter, Shaan. I'm glad you found it interesting 😊
Mr.Writer

7 Months Ago

No problem Yumna :)
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
BBP
I'm definitely interested to see where this is going. You threw in hooks here and there to keep you guessing where she was going and what her 26 upbringing are....

Posted 8 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

8 Months Ago

Thank you, Bev! I'm glad this caught your interest :) I'm not sure about that myself as yet lol :p
BBP

8 Months Ago

Lmao... Hey it's all making up as you go ... You don't have to be sure yet lol
Dr. YumnaKay

8 Months Ago

hahah yeah probably :p
There is a direct connection with your story, the characters, and this journey, which comes through the moving descriptions and dialog. Looking forward to reading more of your book, Yumna! Thank you for sharing it with us!

Posted 8 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

8 Months Ago

Craig, thank you! Your words of appreciation means a lot to me 😊
This is so good! As I was reading it, I felt as if I was Jane. Make it longer, but take your time :) Your writing is good!

Posted 8 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

8 Months Ago

Well, yes I'm slow lol but I've written the next 2 chapters too. Check them when you get the time. <.. read more
Yumna - I love that you're attempting a novel. Its takes dedication I don't possess so well done and good luck.
To the chapter -
The first thing that stalled me was the phrase 'Little did she know...' - as I have stated before I don't write stories and know little but what my gut instinctively tells me and seeing that phrase made me raise an eyebrow. Then I googled this exact phrase
"tropes to avoid in writing 'little did she know' "

(tropes are recurring idioms and themes in writing afaik) and the search results threw this page up which I think could help you. Particularly number 2 on the list on this page
https://litreactor.com/columns/top-10-storytelling-cliches-that-need-to-disappear-forever

I felt this could be better worded - "Jane was her only daughter and after his wife’s death and his son, Keith’s, moving out to live in Paris, she’d been everything to him."

Additionally there are a few word/phrase choices that made me stop. These are easily rectified in editing though and have no tremendous bearing on the story bones.
e.g.
'She smiled back but moved forwards...' - faced forwards?
'moving slowly, as if it could stop the time too...' - as if doing that could stop time?
'As her father moved out grumbling a little...' - As her father exited grumbling a little?


Minor details...to be caught in final edit I guess.

I suppose the ultimate question is am I compelled to read on. I think so but mainly because of the 'twenty-six upbringings' quip - it spoke to my time-travelling fetish (damn I hope it wasn't a reference to something culturally religious - I'd feel so foolish)

Best i could do my friend - Im not really equipped to story review.
:))

Posted 8 Months Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Dr. YumnaKay

8 Months Ago

Tony, thank you! I'll definitely improve on it.
I don't expect my first attempt to be best b.. read more

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Added on March 2, 2017
Last Updated on March 17, 2017


Author

Dr. YumnaKay
Dr. YumnaKay

Karachi, Sindh, Pakistan



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