Tuesday

Group challenge - impromptu first draft.

I didn't know the serious effect amphetamines could have on a person until I found myself in the emergency room. I noticed Tuesday's behavior had been changing these past few months but she's always been a quirky character. She was the second child of the total five the family had. She wasn't the smartest kid to be given praises nor was she the dumbest to have the attention to get scolded all the time. She was just somewhere in the middle and not even the middlest of the middle to claim the 'middle child' status.

We met in high school, Tuesday and I. We became friends because, well, quirky characters have a tendency to attract each other. I didn't want to do college right away. I wanted to 'experience life'. So did she. She wasn't interested in college at all. Come to think of it, we didn't really have a direction after high school. We were just lucky we made it out of high school.

We decided to rent an apartment together. I was into filmmaking so I started getting into being a production assistant slash intern sort of thing. Tuesday, well, she worked at Wall Mart down at Union Square. She folded clothes. Hey, it paid half the rent so why should I interfere? At least she wasn't lazy. She went to work on time, she came back on time. Cleaned stuff and did laundry over the weekend. She folds clothes really well. Taught me a trick or two. We were great roommates.

        The first November we were together, we had a thanksgiving dinner. On second thought, I don't think we had a second November. We invited our folks. Her mother came with her boyfriend at the time. The other kids didn't come. There was always a rumor in school that they weren't actually related. That they might've been foster kids. Maybe they were from different husbands or lovers. It wasn't a big deal, it was just talk. I really didn't care.

My dad came but he left as soon as he finished dinner. Didn't have seconds. Didn't even have dessert. He never forgave me for living in the same city and not living at home. He came to check the place out I think. He cared a lot about me that way but never really showed because his pal 'pride' got in the way.

Well, I can't adhere to whatever Asian philosophies of old that he was brought up with. He grew up in China, whereas I can't even remember shadows of it. Besides, I've had enough of China Town with its filth, noise and smells, with everyone poking their nose into my business. I need my privacy. Yes, I'm the rebellious type and not ashamed of it! I bet some people think I'm a curse. Hey, just more reason to live away from them.

Soon after that thanksgiving, Julio and I met at a production. Some student film flick that an NYU student was doing. Some of the funding came from their own pockets and their rich dad's. That's when I decided I'd have a trust fund when I get pregnant if I ever have decide to have babies. Julio was a cool guy, I fell in love with his crazy ideas. With the way he talked. He wasn't mainstream ya know? He'd swim upstream just for the heck of it.

I think that's when Tuesday started having problems. I was too busy with Julio to notice. Christmas came with a white winterly blizzard. Tuesday started working more, covering other people's shifts and having more over time. I hardly saw her. I don't even know when she slept. It's like as if she never slept that winter. She watched TV and reruns and got herself a DVD on sale and started collecting DVDs.

Julio and I decided to go steady by then. He started sleeping over more and more. He was a bit messy in the kitchen and stuff, Tuesday didn't like that. She liked things to be neat and tidy. First I picked up after him. And after a while, I felt like, why should I be his mommy. I can't do everything for him. So I stopped picking up after him.

Of course the place became a mess. Tuesday started to eat out more, stayed out more. I don't know where she goes. She got into really loud music that sounded like satanic garble. She started collecting expensive collectible stuff too. Our fridge always had imported beer. I guessed she worked more. She looked like she's been promoted. Maybe she didn't fold clothes anymore. I didn't ask. I didn't want to be in her business.

I should've noticed the signs. But I was too busy trying to get another gig so I can pay the bills that were forever going up. I didn't want to fall back on dad. Yes, Mr. Pride was my pal too.

        One night I was in one of my travels on my train of thought when Tuesday came in. Julio was asleep in my room. Tuesday had a bottle of Jack Daniel. She looked at me and asked if I wanted to join her in a card game with whiskey and pecan pie. I didn't feel like sleeping so I said why not. We played Black Jack – looser takes a shot with beer as a chaser. I didn't remember much, but I felt like we really bonded that night. All this time we had been co-inhabitants but we've been strangers. After that night I can say we became real friends.

When I opened my eyes in the morning, I was in her bed. She was dressed for work already. She said that she'd see me later and left.

Strange I thought. Didn't she feel sleepy? Where did she get all that energy? I wish I had that. Julio was still asleep. Oblivious to the rising sun, to me and the world around him. I felt irritated. How can someone you love so much not care at all? I felt lonely, I felt a void filling me up. I felt like I had to do something and not go on like this. I mean look at Tuesday, she's so successful at what she does, even if all she does is fold clothes and point to where the bath towel aisle is.

I left the house. Didn't feel like giving Julio his breakfast in bed. I've given him enough of that. I walked a couple of blocks to a Puerto Rican restaurant for some greasy beacon, hash browns and coffee. I needed to think of my career seriously. And then it dawned on me, Valentine's Day was around the corner. Julio would probably say it's overrated and as true rebels we should just skip it. Why do I even bother? I knew all the answers to him now. Gosh, has it been that long?

        When Valentine's came we did sort of something special, but at that point I really didn't care that much. We saw Ang Lee's film In the Mood for Love on a double date at the Angelica. He got me a rose. Maybe the only one he gave me. His friend forced him to because we were crossing by a deli.

        It's ironic because the film was about an affair, an affair that didn't work and the lovers practice, pretend that they were husband and wife and talk to each other as if they were at home. It was subtitled. In English it came out like dialog. In Chinese, what I heard, for the little that I understood was like cut up prose. It was beautiful but sad. All I loved about it was the smoke. How it just lingers and dissipates into the air, and you don't see it any more.

Julio's right, Valentine's is overrated. He slept like a baby when we got back. Oblivious to the world. I wished I had that ability. I think Hamlet said the same thing too. My old friend insomnia settled in for the night. I was flipping channels like a zombie in the living room. That's when Tuesday came in. She didn't look so good. I asked what the matter was and she said that she was having headaches. She thinks that her head is going to explode. I thought maybe that time of the month was near, so I asked, she said no. She told me to call 911.

I was like “are you serious?”She said, “Yes. I need to go to the hospital.” I got up to get dressed my mind was blank. I tried waking Julio and telling him we needed to go to the hospital. I told him that he should come. I heard a grunt 'no' and he turned to the other side. When I came out of my room, she was ending a call. “Yes, yes, I can still walk. Ok. I'll get there.” Then she hung up. “They told me to go to the emergency room. Since I can still walk, they're not going to send an ambulance.” I grabbed my keys and we walked to the subway.

We didn't talk, we just rode and walked into the emergency room. Tuesday did the rest, asked where to do what, filled out forms and waited to be seen by a doctor. So there we were in the middle of the night, in the emergency room. I think she was touched that I was with her. She didn't say anything but I sensed she wanted to. I was too worried about her condition to talk. I didn't even know what to say to her.

Then came the time to see the doctor. She went in and I waited, bracing myself for the news, thinking I should inform her mom if she was hospitalized. Thinking of the clothes to pack for her or whatever she needed. It couldn't have been more than 15 minutes and she came out. Grabbed her jacket and said, “let's go.”

“What? That's it? What did the doctor say?”

“He asked me if I was taking amphetamines. He told me to stop taking them.”

Oh. So that was it. It was official. Tuesday was hooked on amphetamines.

Tuesday didn't get any better after our midnight adventure. She'd go to clubs, come back home drunk at 3 am. Switch on the CD player really loud and scream until the neighbors shouted. I'm still surprised no one came and shot us.

Spring came. I struggled to get gigs, joined a catering job so at least I get fed. Julio had become distant. All the more easier for a break up because I can't afford him my time any more.

I came home late night from a catering gig. I opened the door and the seismic wave of noise from the CD player hits me. So Tuesday's home. I walked into the living room and Tuesday is smeared in blood with cut marks all over her hands and arms. She looked up and smiled. Well, at least she's alive.

        I picked up the phone and dialed 911. The operator said she's sending a dispatch. I went to the bathroom, soaked a towel with water and got back to her. I really didn't know what I was doing. I just wanted her cleaned up from the blood. Sirens glared in a distance. Then I heard the buzz on the door. I buzzed them in and opened the door. The medics came in and started cleaning her. I asked them which hospital they're taking her and called her mom.

        Tuesday missed more than three months rent. And now this. I can't cover her a*s anymore. Fellow quirky character or not, she has to go. I'm in the emergency room and I don't even do drugs. Well, ok, I've puffed grass -- like once. When she came out of the hospital after her suicide watch was over I told her. Leave by the month's end. I'll be looking for a roommate. She left. She went back to her mom. I found a roommate and decided to join a course in filmmaking so I can go pro.

Author's Note

This story was done in a hurry. I need a lot of help with grammar and the rewrite. I'm in the process of rewriting it so any comment would be really appreciated! THANKS!

Photo -- "Red Army" by Apotheker (http://www.flickr.com/photos/apotheker/).

Reviews

[J. Marc]

I loved reading your story, pretty good work for an impromptu! It is so honest and authentic and the way you weaved your character with Tuesday's and Julio's is simply great. Your story is also a lesson of courage, humanness and everyday life struggle. It is wonderful that everything turned up well at the end. One has the feeling that you may have experienced life too quickly but, hey...... I found a couple of unforgettable expressions too: "That's when I decided I'd have a trust fund when I get pregnant if I ever have decide to have babies. " and "I bet some people think I'm a curse. Hey, just more reason to live away from them."

[jmt8921]

Oh my. I think there's a good story in there somewhere, but right now it's pretty hard to find. You start out with a lot of backstory that really doesn't have that much to do with what happens later. I think most readers would go through the first few paragraphs, wonder what in the heck was going on, and then give up. Especially this part,

" The first November we were together, we had a thanksgiving dinner. On second thought, I don't think we had a second November. We invited our folks. Her mother came with her boyfriend at the time. The other kids didn't come. There was always a rumor in school that they weren't actually related. That they might've been foster kids. Maybe they were from different husbands or lovers. It wasn't a big deal, it was just talk. I really didn't care.

My dad came but he left as soon as he finished dinner. Didn't have seconds. Didn't even have dessert. He never forgave me for living in the same city and not living at home. He came to check the place out I think. He cared a lot about me that way but never really showed because his pal 'pride' got in the way.

Well, I can't adhere to whatever Asian philosophies of old that he was brought up with. He grew up in China, whereas I can't even remember shadows of it. Besides, I've had enough of China Town with its filth, noise and smells, with everyone poking their nose into my business. I need my privacy. Yes, I'm the rebellious type and not ashamed of it! I bet some people think I'm a curse. Hey, just more reason to live away from them."

I think the story could do without any of this. If you want to give more information about the lives of the characters, maybe you could try giving little bits in diologue, or suggesting parts of their past through how they act and speak. It seems like there is a whole lot of telling instead of showing. The reader can really get into your characters more if they could watch them and see what they do, instead of the author straight out telling us. I also don't understand the last paragraph. It seems like the narrator cares about this girl enough that she is willing to write a story about her, and seems genuinely concerned when she's in the hospital. I just don't see how she could be so cold and heartless to turn out her friend when she was in such a terrible place. I just finished reading "on writing" by Stephen King, and I think one of the most important things he said was "Stick to the story". Any extra words or sentences are only going to take away from what the story is really about. I suggest going through, taking out whatever isn't important, and pull the rest together. I think you'll end up with a much better piece. Good luck!

[[untitled]]

I liked your story. I could see it being longer. I really wanted to know more about the narrrators life. I think you have a good story. It could go in the direction of an Amy Tan story. I liked that idea. I can't really add much that the others hadn't said about grammer errors. It was a good story.

[Jamie Fantasy]

It looks like the previous reviews covered most of what I was going to say. I think it could use a lot more description. Also, at the end, I felt a sense of loss. I was looking forward to some kind of profoud moment or thought, some kind of inspiration, but it never came. She just continued on with her life like Tuesday was never there. I think a lot can be learned from a story like this so use that inspiration to inspire your readers.

One sentence that stood out: "It's like as if she never slept that winter." "like" and "as if" are redundant.

Keep working on it! I look forward to seeing your revisions. :)

[Valerie Jones]

You made a great story out of the "Tuesday" idea. It was very creative.

I agree with the previous reviewer, there are a couple of instances in which you are changing tenses. Most of the story develops in the past tense, yet in these two examples, the tenses shift:
"She looked like she's been promoted." - should be she'd -
"She thinks that her head is going to explode." -She thought her head would explode. -

There are also some small typos, as "Wall Mart," "thanksgiving," "China town" - should be Walmart, Thanksgiving and Chinatown.

In the following sentence, there's a grammatical error, the preposition should be changed from "at the" to "of that":
"Her mother came with her boyfriend at the time,"

And in here you could use a comma before and after insomnia:
"My old friend insomnia"

Perhaps some revising would help ;) It seems as if the story came up in a rush of creativity, and it shows some very good points.

I look forward to reading more of your work!

[Shannon K.]

I thought that overall this was just okay. I think it was a good idea of having her doing drugs and stuff. I think that you should maybe do some stuff to make it better.
The tenses fluctuate, as in sometimes it is in psat tense, while other times, you are writing as if you are talking in the present tense. Maybe re-read it and I think you will figure out what I mean by that.
The other thing is, the characters just kind of jump in out of no where. Like, when you first said sometihng about Julio, I kind of was lost. wondering who Julio was. Later on I realized, but maybe explain a little more about his physical appearance and stuff.
One more thing is that I ofund it lacked description and imagery. Those things are what will draw your reader in more and hook them more into the plot.
Overall, I enjoyed the idea and the thoughts with in the story, but I think it needs some work to improve it so that it will show the best of you ability.