Lost

Can you tell that I feel lost ?

I have been putting this website off because it reminded me of the good days when I had time to let my thoughts run wild. But as time has gone by, I have realized that ignoring an issues just makes everything worse.I learned this through an incident that happened lately that has taken a toll on me. I finally started college at UCLA and lets just say that I was caught off guard. I mean I always knew I wasn't ready for such an environment, but I didn't know the extent to which I wasn't ready. I took classes over the summer and I almost lost my mind.I was so behind and no matter how much I played it off, I knew that I was eventually gonna fall off. I remember receiving my first bad grade. And when i say bad , I mean horrible. I felt as if i didn't know who I was anymore. I looked around and surprisingly, the student who sat next to me had the highest score. I didn't understand what was happening to me. I was so used to being the top student in high school, but here I was not even scoring above average.

I felt like a disappointment to everyone who ever believed in me. I didn't want to tell my parents because they have worked so hard and they kept telling my brother to follow in my footsteps. I couldn't bare the thought of telling them that I had come to UCLA to fail!. I couldn't tell my math genius boyfriend that I wasn't understanding pre-calculus. He passed both AB and BC calculus tests with a 5, how couldI I explain to him that I was failing basic math? I couldn't look myself in the mirror  I felt like just jumping off the tallest building on campus. How could I not be as good as everyone else. I mean, I always knew that I wasn't one of those students who got thing on their first try, but at the same time I had never been a student who struggled at all.

I am not sure if I have come to terms with myself. I still feel like I am lacking something. But mostly I feel like I do not belong there. I can't tell my parents that because they'd o not understand. Infant, I can't tell anyone because they will just look t me and judge me for taking for granted such an opportunity of being at a  school such as UCLA. Deep down I know that I am trying my best to survive, but everyday as aI walk past that bear, I try to give myself strength and remind myself that I have a purpose for being there...