Party Girl

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting the same results"

Hearing the voice of someone that you love crack right before they break down crying is the worst kind of sound.That sound makes you realize that you could have done things way differently to avoid hurting them. Sadly we can never go back it time, what's said is said and what's done is done. All that you can do is hope and pray that they don't leave because you are a total f**k up but you still want them toggle you a second,third and forth chance. Some people are lucky to get these chances and some are not. I guess so far they have been lucky enough. But the question is how long until they give up? How long until they get tired of your s**t? How long until they realized they fucked up by giving you the first chance to come back to their life?

I have always been a girl who didn't hold anything too close to me and mostly not people because I knew they would eventually leave. I do this to avoid getting hurt because one I hold onto something I expect it to stay. I expect to have the security of knowing they will always be there. Sadly I am a person who get lured into things too quick. Of course that makes me dumb and I end up in situations that could have easily been avoided. But even with that I still believe that I am a person just like everyone else. I deserve to be let to try things and maybe to make mistakes because hopefully I can learn from them.I have a fragile heart but a tough mouth. I will act hard but deep inside I will be dying. Sometimes I wish that people can recognize that trait in me but they don't and its okay because I don't need people knowing that I cry at night because I am afraid that i might die alone.

Recently, I started college, and with that came new experiences. I was away from home and I had the chance to be who I wanted. I am lucky to have a wonderful boyfriend who supports me and has helped me through a lot of situation. I have gotten to a point that i feel his approval is all that mattered. He was able to see me in a way that I din't know was possible. Due to this i feel like I have given him a certain power over me. I am not sure whether that is a good or a bad thing but for so long he has been the one person that I would sacrifice for. Maybe my ways of showing to him that he means the world to me are different and the truth is that I feel like I try my best to portray my love. But like I said earlier, I am a very difficult person. But due to the power that he has over me, lately I have been feeling as if all I am is a failure. I have so much to be thankful for yet I can't help but feel that a part of me will never be good enough.

Most of my life I fell that people have expected me to fail, maybe because when they see me they don't see the determined girl rather they see they see all my weaknesses. So I was not surprised when my boyfriend expected me to disappoint me. I was hurt that he was just like everyone else. He knew I couldn't do better. Sadly deep inside I know that wasn't my plan. But I just happen to f**k up a lot. I have grown to accept that maybe I may never be good enough but i do my best t give it my all and of course I am scared that my best may not be his best and he may want to find something better. But my selfish side still pleads with him stop stay. Its not easy being the girl who never reached the bar and mostly its not easy knowing that people expect you to fail so they sit and wait for you to mess up.

Sometimes I feel like screaming but then I wonder if anyone would hear me scream and think I'm crazy or would they hear me and realize that I was calling for help. I am tired of crying but i still cry more than probably any average kid. I hope that my best will be good enough for the world. I hope that I can do what is expected of my so I can stop letting people down. 

Despite it all I am happy that I got my second chance and I hope to just keep it together this time. I want to feel like I actually did something right because truth be told ... I am tired of being a mess.