Blood Boil

This is the story of two odd mortals, Leon and Lisa, that one might be able to label as friends, and their many bizarre misadventures. They had met just a few months ago and had become close in the blink of an eye (he didn’t have many friends, and she could be very persuasive). It was bound to happen, really, for she had started living in the house right next to his, and also, coincidentally, as luck would have it, had conveniently transferred to the college he attended. But both of them had a massive secret they couldn’t really share with the other. At any rate, one day he decided he’d had enough. He couldn’t keep it anymore, and he would spill the juicy beans that very same morning while they were diligently studying, per usual. (He studied and she diligently worked on vexing him). Just as an interesting(?) piece of information: Both were 22 years old but she liked to call him “kid”. And he was a goodie-two-shoes and didn’t like swearing. Anyways, they now found themselves at Leon’s place. She was lying half-asleep on the floor and he sat on his desk. He figured it was about time to make the big announcement:

“Hey Lisa.”

“Mm? Holy- what’s wrong Leon? You’re looking a bit pale there.”

“I-I have a confession to make.”

“Oh I already know you like writing smutty dragon fiction. S'all good, not gonna judge ya or anything.”

“Wah- no, that's not- how do you even know that?!”

“You underestimate me, young one. Anyway they're some pretty neat stories, we could definitely make some profit. I get 70, you get 30%. What do you say?”

“As tempting as that sounds I think I'll pass, thanks.”

“Tsk tsk. Your loss, then. So, you were about to say something right? Are you perhaps finally gonna profess your mad love for yours truly?”

“Pfft, you wish. I'm definitely not doing that... yet.”

“I'm sorry, what?”

“Uh? Nothing! nothing, don't mind me. So as I was saying, or not saying, cause you're making it pretty hard for me-”

“Yeah, my bad.”

“It's fine, just try to stop interrupting me plea-”

“Sorry, won't happen again.”

“...Alright. The thing is...Boy, this is harder than I thought.”

“Hey it's fine, you can tell me anything.”

“I know, but this, it's insane. I've never told this to anyone... Phew, all right, okay, I'm ready, I've got this. Here goes. You know how I've been sort of avoiding, um, phy-physical contact around you lately?”

“I may have noticed that, yeah.”

“Well it's because, uh, that is to say, maybe...” He looked down at the floor. “I kinda like you and, and... sigh. Apparently I'm not completely human. Half of my blood is made of some weird volatile and extremely powerful substance. So if I give in to my innermost desires or get too excited I might implode, and then make the entire universe explode afterwards...” He stopped and frowned at her, a silly, confused look on his face. “You seem awfully calm hearing all this- Are you playing a mobile game?! "My handsome roach lover", what the frick is that?!”

“Sorry, I had to feed Roachie, gotta keep him healthy and crispy. Don't worry though, I heard you loud and clear. Listen, I believe you. And... I have a confession to make as well.”

“Oh okay, wow, thanks for not thinking I'd gone mental. Fire away, I'm all ears.”

“Sigh, I'm sorry it has to be this way kid but, you gotta understand I'm only doing my job here yeah?”

“Huh? What do you mean?”

“You're under arrest. Man, that sounded cool. I've always wanted to say that.”

“...You’re kidding, right? Or are you actually being serious? I could never really fathom your strange sense of humour.”

“Sorry kid, but trust me, I'm doing it to protect you, well, and every other being on Earth. Now, enough diddle daddle, you gotta come with me, we've already wasted enough time, can't risk them finding you.”

She grabbed him by the arm and started running. He tried very hard not to implode right then and there.

A crackle could be heard as her walkie talkie came to life. Yes, she was carrying a walkie-talkie for some reason. “Agent? Is everything alright? Over.”

“Agent Pupper here, I’m with the suspect. We're en route to Headquarters at the moment. Over.”

“Copy that, great job agent, stay safe. Over and out.”

“Ah, maybe NOW I've gone mental… Agent Pupper? Really?”

“Yeah… They gave me that name ‘cause I have a folder on my work computer filled with dog pics. Anywho, you can worry about that later, now just lemme handcuff us together so you don't bail, you're not gonna try to run away are you?”

“I don't see why I would do such a thing.”

“K, good.”

“I was being sarcastic, woman. But what the hell, following you seems like my only option for now since I have no idea what's going on. By the way, these handcuffs are somewhat peculiar.”

“Wh-whatever do you mean? They're perfectly ordinary. And don't worry, you're making the right choice, I appreciate your cooperation. Now come on, we gotta get to an underground facility in an island that's off the grid so they have no way of tracking us. We're taking a rented car and meeting someone who'll take us there.”

“Wow. I have so many questions I don't even know where to begin.”

“Sigh, don't freak out okay? I'm gonna explain as soon as we're in the car.”

They got inside the car several minutes (and several attempts to enter while still handcuffed together) later.

“Sorry, could you maybe get rid of these? I swear I'm not gonna try to escape. Also, if you could tell me what I've gotten myself into that'd be very much appreciated.”

“Yes, of course. I'm sure driving while handcuffed to you wouldn't be all that fun anyways. Now, the explanation. You see, I'm a special agent. I work for this company called Good. It's all a facade, really, just so people won't suspect they're actually evil.”

“Smart. So, lemme get this straight. You're telling me you're evil then?”

“No, no.  Well, I might be, a little, *cough* and a little sadistic *cough* but I'm not with those idiots. I'm working undercover. The actual guys I work for -they're called Better cause my boss is a competitive pain in the arse- they discovered that Good was planning to use you as a weapon for world domination. Operation Sexy Blood Boil they call it.”

“Oh boy.”

“I know, right? And that's why I needed to get a position as an agent there and pretend to do my job, which was to befriend you and once I'd earned your trust trick you into going to Good headquarters, where they would run freaky tests on you and pretty much get ready to rule the world. But Better know better than to let Good plan something this wicked and get away with it. Though I admit, it was a pretty good plan.”

“I see… Hold on a sec, does this mean we were never really friends?”

“Ah, the million dollar question. I knew you'd ask that. Listen, I like you, alright? You're a really cool fella and all. I do consider you a friend, or something, and perhaps under different circumstances we could've been together, but my life's rather complicated, in case you haven't noticed, so I prefer to ride solo. I'm Pupper the lone wolf.”

“You… You like me? Woo-hoo!“

“Woah, did you hear a word of what I just said? Why you looking all chipper? Oh shoot, gotta feed Roachie again, lest he goes into rage-mode and refuses to go on a date.”

“God forbid. You know, for someone who likes to ride solo you seem incredibly attached to that roach.”

“That's only because I can close the app when he gets too clingy or pisses me off.”

“Fair enough. Just do me a favor and keep your eyes on the road, will ya?”

“Please, this baby practically drives itself. In fact, it really does drive itself. I made sure to rent a car with GPS and autopilot.”

The walkie-talkie once again crackled to life. “Agent Pupper, are you there? What's taking you so long? Over.”

“Sorry! Bunch of traffic, rush hour and whatnot. Be there in a jiffy! Over and out.”

Leon continued the conversation despite the walkie-talkie’s extremely rude interruption.  “Hey, I'm just thinking out loud here, but shouldn't you have gotten a car that doesn't draw so much attention? This is practically a batmobile, for God's sake. And they probably suspect there's  something fishy going on by now. They must be looking for us.”

“You don't get it, kid. The last thing they’d expect is for me to get such an eccentric car. Hiding a tree in a forest isn't always a good idea is it? It's the first place you'd go to if you wanna find it. But no one would think of looking for a tree in the desert, am I right?”

“That… makes sense, I think?”

“You bet it does. And there's also the fact that this is a sick ride, so I wanted to take it for a drive. Okay, we're almost there.”

“Quick question though. If it has a GPS installed won't they be able to hack into it or whatever and see where we're going?”

“Probably, not sure. I didn't really think this through. Act before thinking, that's my motto.”

“Egads, how did you even manage to survive this long? And how come they chose to put the fate of the world in your… capable hands?”

“Wild survival instinct, I suppose.” She blinked while her brain took a moment to process his other comment. “And wow, rude.” She then stopped the car and turned off the engine. “Well, we've finally reached our destination. Z should be waiting for us somewhere in this dump. Follow me and stay close behind, don't go running off on your own.”

“Sure… Hey, Pupper?”

“Ugh, please call me Wolf, it sounds more badass.”

“Wolf, gotcha. I... think we've got company, and they don't look too friendly. Is Z supposed to be one of those shady looking men over there?”

“Oh crap.”

To be continued.