Abuse Hurts : Forum : A story of abuse

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A story of abuse

5 Years Ago

"Since my mom made those accusations against the quality of my dad's character for the sake of getting more money out of the divorce that she initiated, she's crossed the line and now I need to articulate exactly how she was abusive and what made her a terrible mother so that we can prove in court that she's not entitled to have me. It's really frustrating because I'm trying to heal from that and overcome being all bent out of shape about it by moving on in a healthy way, but, I can't yet even though she left me. I could talk about how she didn't feed me as a baby, or change my diaper, how she dropped me off at every kind of daycare at every part of the day while my dad was at work so she could go home and do nothing, she just didn't want to take care of her only child.
I could talk about how, when I was a kid, she would try to trick me into believing that I did things I didn't remember doing (and didn't do) so she could punish me, and that since I was so young and she was my Mommy, I believed her and accepted discipline over things she made up. And then when I was older, and I knew for a fact that she was lying and manipulating and deceiving me, I decided I wasn't going to tolerate it anymore because I deserve better from my own mother, which caused her to escalate things even further and then she isolated me even more. I was allowed out of the house once a week and grounded for the rest of it from technology so I couldn't stay in touch with my friends.
She refused to work, which made my dad work more, so I spent nearly all of my time with her and could only talk to my dad sometimes on the phone as I was sobbing to him about the way she was treating me. Whenever I called out the injustice of how unfair she was, she grounded me even more. I still wonder if I did the right thing by refusing to accept poor treatment, or if things would've been better if I had just taken all of the abuse and catered to her poor behavior. I was twelve when I realized that I was more mature, more responsible, and more emotionally healthy than she was. I was twelve when she decided to drop all of the cleaning and cooking and general housemaking on me. I was fourteen when she took me from my dad and then left me at my grandparents' ranch completely alone for eight days straight while the three of them went somewhere else, I still don't know where. There are so many arguments where she was screaming at me and running towards me and smacking counters and posturing. So many times when I didn't say "how high" when she told me to jump, and she forced me into a corner and yanked my phone from my back pockets or hands.
And then she was sickeningly sweet. She loved cuddling with me and scratching/massaging my back. She always brushed my hair behind my ear (which I made clear I didn't like, but she'd do it anyways). Whenever she'd hug me, she'd bend me over backwards even though she knew it put my genetically poor back through a lot of pain. I told her I didn't like her slobbery kisses or when she trapped me in her arms and wouldn't let me move for a while when she peppered my face in annoying pecks, which she continued to do anyways. It was never meant as a show of love and always meant as a demonstration of domination. Everything was always on her terms and without my consent.
I got into neuroscience so I could figure out her brain. She didn't make sense to me, so if I could figure out why her brain was wired the way it was, she would make more sense and I could have more compassion and patience for her. She has no empathy, no love, no ability to have a healthy relationship. I've been without the nurture of a mother MY ENTIRE LIFE, and I fear that I'm going to spend the rest of my life trying to either heal or compensate. You haven't healed from trauma if similar events still trigger you. I'm trying so hard to not need a mother's nurture, but I can't help that I'm a little broken in that way. I can't help that it means way more than it should when someone like a mom in the homeschool group thinks well of me, and that it hurts so much (too much) when a mom treats me poorly. Like your mom, like my bestie's mom, like the mom who ruined my reputation at my other homeschool group. I can't help that, after my best friend Ryan ditched me, the worst part to me is that his mom doesn't like me anymore.
My dad and I spent a while talking about it last night. You think I'm mature but I just had to grow up too fast." -Texts I sent to my crush in light of his mom banning him from seeing me for a week