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'The Silence of Motherhood' - Chapter 11 - Self insemination

1 Year Ago


Chapter 11 - Self insemination
One month after Justine’s death I was in Dr. Barkley’s office waiting for the next chapter of my life to unfold.  As I lay on the cold table, looking up at the stark lifeless ceiling, I drifted in and out of awareness as I followed my favorite meditation app with my ears and my mind.  Meditation, like Silence, was a close friend.  I think it was because the three of us had similar interests – do a good job and move on. 
It was obvious that Christine, Dr. Barkley to the outside world, was in somewhat of a rush that day.  I thanked her for fitting me in at the end of a long, busy day.  She again expressed her condolences on the loss of my first pregnancy.  I reflected for a moment that it had not actually been my first pregnancy, however I forced that thought to the back of my mind.  I stated that I had moved on and was ready to take the plunge for the second time.  I understood that there were risks, as there is with almost anything in life.  There is no success without real risk.
As she inserted the frigid speculum, I laughed and commented that this would be much easier with some fine wine, soft candlelight and Mr. Right – or even Mr. Right Now!  We made idle chit chat about our jobs and the dedication it took to be successful in our respective fields.  Aside from the speculum, I noted no specific feeling as she deftly and efficiently performed the insemination.  I marveled at how quick and seamless the potential creation of a new life could be.  We both laughed as she got up, not even three minutes later, and asked that I remain lying for about 5 minutes before I got up to leave. 
“You can show yourself out, I assume?”
“Certainly! Thanks!”  With that, she was gone.
I looked up at the ceiling once again and said out loud, “Well, that is that”.  How simple it seemed.  I had read countless stories of women spending thousands of dollars on appointments, tests and prescriptions in search of the elusive highly desired pregnancy.  I had spent 20 minutes choosing the donor and called my obstetrician when I was ovulating.  It doesn’t get much easier than that.  I had a good feeling about things this time!
As I watched the clock on the wall approach 5 minutes, I wondered who was coming back to remove the speculum.  I thought I remembered waiting five minutes the last time I had been in this precarious position, but I did not remember having to personally deal with the speculum.  I was sure that I had been in many, many much more difficult situations before, but right at the present moment my mind was drawing an elusive blank.  As a physician, I had even used a speculum on numerous occasions myself, in a professional capacity.  I rolled my eyes and thought about what kind of bizarre contortionist movements I was going to have to engage in, the end goal being to get the speculum out while leaving the desired contents inside.  I certainly hoped that the ‘swimmers’ of the day were moving as quickly as their qualifying spreadsheet boasted they could, toward their desired destination.    
I decided that I was going to wait five minutes more and then I was going to make my move.  I felt that 5 minutes would leave me enough time to google ‘freeing oneself from an unwanted speculum’ or ‘5 easy steps to self insemination’.  If all else failed, I was going to admit defeat and call the front desk.  While some interesting, and I am sure invaluable, information arose from these two searches, including ‘how to free yourself from a manipulator’, ‘how to free yourself from love that hurts, and ‘how to inseminate at home’, there was nothing that informed me on how I could free myself from my present predicament. 
I called the front desk and was disheartened when my important inquiry went through to voicemail informing me that the clinic was closed until tomorrow morning.  I patted my abdomen and muttered ‘well kid, I guess it’s just you and me now’.
It had now been 27 minutes since Christine’s departure.  I decided that was long enough.  I tilted my pelvis up and placed a pillow underneath my butt.  I unscrewed the speculum in the direction that I thought was correct – backwards like steering a boat.  I counted to three, tilted my pelvis up and removed the speculum.  What talent! Sometimes I even impressed myself!
I quickly dressed and opened the door to almost complete darkness.  I had forgotten how quickly the night descends during the winter solstice.  I grabbed my coat and ran directly for the front door.  I was travelling to quickly to notice the red warning sign sitting atop the door, and as soon as the cold night air rushed in, a sound louder than I thought I had ever heard before was unleashed from the clinic.  Even when the door slammed shut behind me, the alarm persisted in trying to escape.  I debated making a run for it or simply remaining where I was and awaiting my destiny.  The decision was made for me.  It was too late.