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Day 3 #latenightfreewrite #justtoclearmyhead #notimelimits #freeflownorewrites

10 Years Ago


Some part of me, and I suspect a big part, doesn’t want to even try at my new life. I know some of these people actually like me, which considering how I’ve behaved over the last few months is astonishing. But I still don’t want to pick up when they call, and I just ignore most of the chat windows that come up. Except the ones that don’t really matter. The ones I can just be polite, and vapid and interested with. And truth be told, these conversations make me feel wholler than the ones that matter. I’d rather have superficial, cheery conversation with near strangers than with semi friends. That way, I don’t have to pretend to love them or love anything they love. With near strangers, its easy, I just am part who I am, part who the moment demands. And somehow, I manage to do this without grudging anyone, cause I know that those people have absolutely no reason to be nice to me, that they’re doing it simply because they just are nice. And that makes me want to be nice too. Around people who like  me, I just feel more vulnerable, more fragile and more edgy. I am lesser, and meaner and less understanding. And I just feel like none of them know me, and that really none of them are like me. And then I reflect a little, and I think none of my old friends were like me too. Then, whats the problem now? And I can’t get my head around it, but I suppose the real difference is that I’m just culturally and intellectually different from these people. Sure, versatility, Sure, diversity. But, on such a scale. And at such extremes. I’m not big enough to absorb that. Much less, to accept it. I want my old life back. Partly because absence and the presence of something uglier makes it fonder, and partly because I know now. And now that I know, I’d live it better again. This is not my first taste of change, I’ve moved before. And some of it, some of it has been scathing to say the least. But it made me stronger. And now I’m here, and I don’t want to be strong enough, for any of this. I don’t feel like any of this is worth it. The mornings are bad, I don’t want to get out of bed. I dread it, and I can’t tune into any class. Nothing catches my attention, no one dazzles me. And I know, that really I don’t catch anyone’s attention either. I don’t dazzle. Lately, not even myself.