Suicide Prose Forum the things we do

i remember in high school i used to desire that one gal that was so beautiful, more beautiful than the rest, but she did not ever know i existed. years later i found myself in a relationship with this gal. i staged things and made arrangements in my life to be able to be in the right place at the right times for her to be able to notice me, and it worked.

it started with casual conversation while left to ourselves to finish our cigarettes outside at a party one night. she asked me what my name was after i made her laugh by making a remark about the host of the party. that was a good conversation. later that evening everyone went home and it was us, her and i left together again. i told her i remember her from high school and she told me that she remembered listening to my band and that was about all she remembered.

a couple months later we went on a date. you know the type of date where i cared too much, and put on probably too much cologne, and saved up money to pay for a meal i felt guilt eating because it was too expensive. i wanted her to like me so much that i was consciously making every effort to be who i truly was not so that she could see what i wasn't.

we ensued a relationship a few weeks later and that is when the veil that was so cleverly hidden, by my own self, in front of my eyes was penetrated. she was mine and i was hers but all she wanted was to have sex and it got to the point that her want or urge or need just became unflattering and desperate. her tight body was dripping and pulsating almost nightly and i could not respond half the time because i needed the emotional connect, not just my c**k to be drained every other day.

now, years later, and more experienced in the verse of relationship and call response, i know that she was mentally unstable for me, and logically exhausting due to her neurotic ways. i often wonder if there is a match for her. if there is someone that can respond to that amount of eroticism constantly, or simply maybe a person that can ignore or even not sense it.

i lay in bed and these thoughts from the past surface and ruin my small mind.