The fallen Forum Annoyance

I'm gonna go on a bit of a rant....so sorry....it may be a bit long.

I hurt. Physically. The throbbing in my right shoulder, at the junction of my neck that goes across to my left shoulder and all down my back. It hurts. It's not the worst I've had....the worst time being when feeling the shirt against my back was enough to have me near tears. It may be not as bad as that....but it sure the heck is annoying. I'm in the prime of my life, yet my body is worse than that of a 90 year old. My medical file is thicker than most people's will ever be.

I hate this. I hate being sick, yet looking healthy. I hate how people tell me I should get up and exercise and I will feel better, because I don't. It saps the little energy I have, and that's on the days I'm having a decent nights sleep. Which I haven't been having for the last couple of months, may I add (and the sleeping pills aren't really working.). Not only that, most days I'm lucky to roll out of bed my energy is so low. I should be taking my pain meds (as I need a "special" kind because this pain is all nervous system related so your average pain killer doesn't work) but we can't AFFORD $250 a month. And I say "we" when I should be saying my dad as I can't work because of this STUPID body....I hate it. I want to help....I WANT to know what it's like to be healthy for ONE day. No pain, no exhaustion, high energy, eat what ever I want.... but I won't ever know. There's no cure.

After all the tests, surgeries, medications (mainly antibiotics because my "illness" affects my damn immune system)...I still feel horrible, yet no one would be able tell if they saw me. I still smile and laugh.....and the ONE thing I've learned by being in pain every day........whether it's the excruciating "I want to die it hurts so bad" kind of pain or the mild "I only feel uncomfortable and nothing relieves the discomfort" normal me.....is that you learn to appreciate life more. Even the bad.

Many may think it's stupid that I quit taking my pain meds....but HELLO!!! I've been on the verge of homelessness for the past 2 years...and I went through a whole winter before being prescribed the meds I needed (Good gosh, I remember the pain, I wanted to cry because my skin hurt to touch plus the deep muscle throbbing. I thought it would never end. And it wasn't just my back, it was my entire body. Once, feeling the wind blow my hair had me nearly breaking down in tears from pain.). And lets make one thing clear, I DON'T cry from physical pain. I have QUITE the high pain tolerance. I STOPPED taking my pills because I had run out and I forgot to get them. Well, it was the middle of winter and that winter was worse than the one before....and I felt like I was dying during the one before...so I thought I'd be okay.

Yeah, well HELLO stress.....that's probably what's causing it....as stress IS known to make my illness "flare" up. My dad shoving a stupid job onto MY shoulders that could result in us losing the house if I don't get it done by the end of the month....a job HE should have been doing for the past 4 years. GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!! I know I should been doing that instead of writing this....ya well....1 word.....MATH.....an artsy person's worst nightmare. And with someone who is as tired as I am right now.....yeah, nooooooo. That would NOT end well. *snort* I have issues adding 8+5 on a GOOD day.....and I can tell ya....this ain't a good day. (Duuuuuuude, last night I had issues adding 2 + 2....no joke. My dad thought it ridiculous considering I could add the larger numbers.....we were playing cards and I had to add up all the cards he "caught" me with cause I lost)....It probably doesn't help I'm a procrastinator......but I won't be on THIS I tell ya....

Now I am going to TRY and sleep (I remember once where in 3 nights....I only got 1 hr 30 mins of sleep....and that was on the first night....the 2 nights after it....no sleep at all....and no, that wasn't by choice. I like my sleep thank-you-very-much. Sadly, being awake all night is quite common for me. Stupid illness......grrrrrrr). And hope SOME of the pain alleviates....normally I'm fairly optimistic......but I highly doubt any of the pain will go after I lie down and I'd bet my games that it will take me til after midnight to fall asleep.

Sorry for the long rant. A bit of the pain is gone now, still hurts but not as much as before. Exhausted and hurting and stressed equals a VERY cranky W.L..... I just needed to vent. Sorry if it sounded depressing or whiny, just needed to get that out there.

You're not whining, you are totally justified. I'm not sure what advice to give you except to keep writing. Write so much that you put it all together into a book, publish it, have it be a best seller, and then you become a millionaire. ;) In all seriousness though, WRITE. it's possibly one of the greatest things ever, the ability to transcribe your feelings and thoughts onto paper. *hugs* I'll keep you in my prayers. (:

Hey..
I'm so sorry to hear about you being in so much pain...
Unfortunately, I know what it feels like living in physical pain all the time..or waking up in the middle of the night because the pain is back..
I've a serious heart condition but apart from that, I've suffered for years of real pain..I used to not to eat and to know move so much because it always hurt.
Meds can help you but just for a while..
I'm subject of internal bleeding and it's a huge problem for me because with a thick blood like mine, it should prevent it..but no..I almost died twice..
I'm so sorry you're hurting so much..
I wish I could take the pain away..
Please..take care of youself and keep writing..My pain is in my poems and all..
My past is not beautiful (not because of my health problems) but writing is helping me..
Plz..know that you're not alone..
I'm here if you need someone to talk to..
K.