Thriller Writer's Room : Forum : Critique some writing for me?

Critique some writing for me?

10 Years Ago

G'day guys, would LOVE some constructive criticism of a little something I'm working on. It's 23 pages long, a few drafts in, I'm reasonably satisfied with it so far I'd love to get some feedback though - please leave some (detailed) feedback in the link below if you can set aside a few mins to read it! Cheers guys! 
Mwah! Fankyou!