collaborated piece : Forum : solitude is my only company


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solitude is my only company

11 Years Ago


    I watched Briony's casket be lowered into the ground. I've never seen the term 'six feet under' take such a literal affect. The snow accumulated on top of the wooden box, taking a free ride to nowhere. Snow. Irony. I always related snow with happy memories. Good memories of Briony and I clomping our boots in the knee-deep drift. Her laughing as my boot slips off and my sock being soaked to the bone, but I didn't care because I was with her. We were so young then. And now... it's different.    My hair scraggled just over my eyes, saturated with the flakes from the sky. My eyes blurred, I could see my breath. I was cold. A surge of sadness filled my chest and for a moment I couldn't breathe. I peered over at Leann standing next to me. She noticed my struggle and I could see the helplessness in her eyes. Part of me wanted to hold her hand, but I knew that wouldn't be right. Not now. All of me wanted to hold her, or at least her hold me. I couldnt help but feel a bit of guilt in our relationship. She'd always been the "girl next door" and she played the role well. If it weren't for Briony I couldn't help but wonder what would be of us. I've known Leann since I was four and we've always had something special for each other, but Briony has always been in Leann's way. I knew it, she knew it. Yet it was never spoken of, and I doubt, unless under a level of pressure, neither of us would ever admit it. I couldn't imagine my life without Leann, but Briony...she always set a spark of life through me that I couldn't help but love.       Leann's eyes were cold. Sad, really. The tint in the hazel changed to her emotions, like the color of the sea to the rising sun. I couldn't help but wonder what she was thinking. Was she sad for me? For Briony? For herself? I guess at this moment it didn't matter. Briony had been sick for a long time, but the reality of the fact of her passing away hadn't hit me till about now. With that, a tear rolled down my nose and fell to the ground.        I gazed up at Briony's family. Her mother, with her head down, sobbing in silence. Her brown hair soaked to her cheeks. Briony's father, his arm around his wife. His gaze was lifeless. Daughterless. The man never showed much emotion, it was his way of staying in control. I never could tell their take on me. They knew I cared about Briony, but I don't think they considered me good enough for her. I wasn't rich, or prestigous. My parents weren't well known. What could I be for their daughter but trouble. To them, a boy simply loving their daughter wasn't enough. He needed to be able to contribute more than that. But that didn't matter anymore.      As soon as the service was over Leann rapped her arms around my neck. A tension between us was broken and I couldn't help but feel a bit relieved. I put my arms around her waist and buried my head in her shoulder. She did the same. It was comforting. I felt the pain, the hurt. But holding Leann gave me a small ounce of peace. She pulled her head off my shoulder and looked me in the eye. She searched for a minute, trying to find any emotion from me. I couldn't hide anything. My eyes burned, she smiled. What now?