Breaking the Silence

Breaking the Silence

A Story by ~ Czarina Iris ~

What will you do to end the silence?



  I picked up the pace.


  Hanging my head in shame, I started running.


  Emma? That was Emma's voice. She was supposed to be my best friend...

  "Gay lord!"

  I broke into a sprint and ran out of the school. Tears blinded me but I didn't care. I didn't slow my pace till I was home and in my room. Then I jumped onto my bed and cried.

  I hate myself, I said internally. Why me? Why did it have to be me?! My friends all turned their backs on me because I came out, because I'm different. Why?! I shouldn't have said anything...

  I felt detached from my body as I rose from the bed. I watched myself watching my reflection as I pulled the blade from my sharpener. The world went hazy and I felt the pain slowly drain away.

  I awoke the next morning and looked at myself in the mirror. My face was pale, my eyes bloodshot. I glanced over the cuts and bandages that lined my arms and sides. I was disgusted. I wanted to shatter the mirror, to hurl something at it and watch it smash. I was appalled by the girl staring back at me. She's too different, too ugly. She's gay.

  I tore my eyes away, refusing to look at someone so different, so hideously different. I dressed quickly and quietly, avoiding my reflection at all cost. Once I was sure that my wounds were concealed, I left the house and headed for school.

  The day was long and excrutiating. Everywhere I went there was someone making comments or staring. My so-called friends wanted nothing to do with me, I was completely alone...

  The bell signaling the end of the school day finally sounded and I quickly headed for my locker. Suddenly I was pushed forward into the lockers.  I was pulled backward and forced forward again, this time, smashing my face against the metal door.

  I heard the voices of my attackers, both deep and husky, both male. I listened, but I couldn't make out anything other than the ringing in my ears.

  I was pulled back again and pushed to the floor. It met me with a loud thud. I cried out at the pain that erupted from my body as I connected with the tile floor.

  I felt someone hop on top of my and start punching me, my side, my back, my face, anything that he could reach. I cried out in agony as his fist connected with the gashes on my side. A foot - seemingly from nowhere - came out and hit me hard in the ribs. My breath caught in my throat, I couldn't even cry out for help. Finally, I felt the person on my back climb off of me and - with a final kick from him and his friend - they walked away.

  I waited for what felt like an eternity after I heard the door close behing them before rising to my feet. Hurriedly, I grabbed my things from my locker and ran out of the building.

  That's it, I thought to myself. I can't do it... I just can't...

  I tripped over something and fell to the ground with a gasp.

  "Watch your step, dyke." Came a harsh female voice. I looked up to see the owner and felt as though I'd been stabbed in the chest. Victoria, supposedly one of my closest friends, was laughing at me, her boyfriend joining in, Emma following along behind dying from laughter. I pulled myself into a seating position and watched them leave, my eyes brimming with tears.

  "Hey, are you okay?" Came a soft female voice.

  Terrified, I started collecting my books, answering with a simple 'yes' and a sniffle.

  She crouched down beside me and helped me gather my things. "So, you're Natasha, right?" She asked as she offered me her hand.

  I denied it, scared that the cuts on my arms had re-opened. "Yeah, I am..."

  "I'm Alex." I looked at her and frowned. "What's wrong?"

  "This has to be a trick," I told her. "Have you not heard what people are saying about me?"

  She hung her head. "Yes, I have, and I just feel awful about it." Then she brightened up and looked me square in the eye. "There's nothing wrong with who you are. At least, not that I can see."

  I looked at Alex in surprise. She had to be at least two years younger than me, possibly three. She was petite with the look of a cheerleader, high set cheek bones, bright blue eyes, long bleach blond hair pulled back in a tight pony tail, I'd expected her to just laugh at me, to walk away with her friends, calling me names in tones loud enough for me to hear.

  "Thank you, Alex. You can't possibly imagine how much I needed to hear something like that."


Twenty Years Later


  "Alex!" I cried as I ran into the gymnasium.

  "Tasha!" She called back.

  I threw my arms tightly around her and held her for a moment. "Oh my god, it's been forever, how are you?"

  "I'm fantastic. I'm married, I have three beautiful children, and I own my own company." She beamed, her face alive with passion and love for her life, for everything she had become. And, as happy as I was for her, I envied no one.

  "That's amazing to hear."

  "How about you?" She asked me. "What have you been up to?"

  "You'll see." Then with a smile, I headed off.

  A few hours later, I stepped onto the small makeshift stage. I looked out at my former classmates, old friends, old enemies, and I found that all the disdain I had felt for them had evaporated over the years. I took a deep breath and started.

  "Hello, everyone. I'm sure you all remember, but for those of you who don't, I am Natasha Greene." A murmur ensued. "Twenty years ago, I came out to my closest friends as a lesbian. I had been hiding it for a good three years, denying it for I don't know how many more, and to finally say something felt amazing. However, they were disgusted and turned their backs on me. I was completely alone. Word got out fast and when the bullying turned physical, I became suicidal." A murmur spread throughout the crowd but I hardly heard it. I was too busy watching Alex, the shocked look on her face, the sadness and realization in her eyes.

  "Alex, the day you found me on the side of the road, I had decided that that was enough. I'd taken all I could handle. No one accepted me, no one cared, I decided that I couldn't keep going. You saved me. It's because of you that I'm standing here today, that I was able to finish school and get my degree, that I was able to get a job and become a sucessful real estate agent. It's because of you that I found the love of my life and now am happily married and have two beautiful little girls. It's because you cared enough to ignore what everyone was saying about me and offer me a friend to lean on when I couldn't stand on my own.

  "Alex, you taught me that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of me, that I need to love myself for who I am and be the person I was meant to be and for that, I just have one thing to say to you. Thank you."

© 2011 ~ Czarina Iris ~

Author's Note

~ Czarina Iris ~
I hate using words such as those used in the beginning of this story, I find them so offensive but to give the full effect - because those words are used everywhere - there they are.
Tomorrow is the Day of Silence. Show your support for the LGBT community and echoe the silence that they face everyday of their lives.

My Review

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I don't know what it's like to be called a "f--", (I've never indulged in that lifestyle) but I've seen the damage that "gaybashing" does to people--gay people who are my friends, the guys I grew up with--and the weird thing is the people who do it (the abusers) literally can't see what they're doing: they have no idea how much it really hurts whoever they're laughing at. To them, it's only a joke. To the victim, it cuts them right to the core, mocking a serious issue they're trying to come to grips with. Sadly, the common myth of "homo-suicides" is not a myth at all. I have a friend who is homosexual--he was ever since before high school--and because of the persecution he faces to this day (some of which I shielded him from), I'm constantly worrying about him; scared sick he'll fall into a deep depression and get careless with sleeping pills, ya know?

This is really taking a chance, but I feel I need to ask you something:

I don't know what you think of God or anything, but if you can, would you please offer up a prayer for this guy? Just for his safety, if nothing else? I was impressed with your info page, your bold honesty; I'll honestly admit now, I can't support the LGBT--not because of my preferences or choices, but just because of God's Word--whether I like it or not (if you read my autobiographical stuff, you'll see what I mean about my relationship with Christ--and please don't let this message put you off from reading it!)
The way I see it, just because my friend chose this lifestyle doesn't make him any less my friend or less human; and to hell with what any hateful, screaming "religious christian" says. The lethal gaybashing that went on in Chicago--it was real prevalent--couldn't stop me from caring about him back then. And it can't stop me now, no matter what.
So if you would, say a silent prayer of hope for him.

P.S.: I don't have a clue why I just wrote this. I guess I just felt the need to call out for help. Sorry if this whole review freaked you out a bit. I don't have any excuse--just chatty, I guess

Posted 13 Years Ago

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Added on April 14, 2011
Last Updated on April 15, 2011
Tags: LGBT, day, silence, bullying, name, echoes, silent, movement, gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual, equality, eva mace


~ Czarina Iris ~
~ Czarina Iris ~

Where the sea meets the sky, Canada

"Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments, love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O no! it is an ever-fixèd mark Tha.. more..