Prologue

Nia wasn't expecting this to happen on a normal Wednesday afternoon...

Nia sat in the empty dining area of the old Victorian hotel, a lone candle illuminating where she sat and brooded over an ancient book filled with strange symbols. Her dark eyes shifted through line after line of text, deciphering the seemingly complex characters with ease. Her eyes narrowed as a slight movement to her left begged for her attention, but her gaze never left the musty pages. Nia tried to focus again, but her attention  was pulled away by the slight movements that now surrounded her. She sighed, tucked a strand of ink coloured hair behind her ear, leaned back in the chair, and regarded the small, shimmering lights that filled the room around her.

There was no point in trying to read with so many spirits around, so she just sat back and watched as they danced through the air, unrestricted by the burdens of life and physical forms. People had always said she was gifted to have vision into the world beyond, but it was times like these that she wished she could see what everyone else could: nothing.

So there she sat, transfixed, as always, with the lights that danced around her. A knock sounded on the front door, dragging her focus back to the real world. Reluctantly, she pulled herself out of her chair and trudged to the entrance. Nia’s hand was resting on the handle when she remembered what she was currently wearing. She stopped. A knock sounded again, accompanied by a gruff voice asking if anyone was there.

She looked down. The grey tank top and denim shorts she was wearing were definitely not work attire. “Be there in a second,” she replied in what she hoped sounded like a calm voice. Panic rose to her chest as she spun around looking for her sweater. Normally she would’ve answered the door in her ratty old clothes, but, after what had happened last time, she wasn’t willing to do that again; even if she was the only one there for the night.

Nia slid across the tile floor to the receptionist desk, hoping that her sweater was still there. Before she had stop she spotted the black hoodie lying on the registry book. She grabbed it, pulled it on, rushed to the entrance, steadied her breath, and opened the door. She didn’t know what she’d been expecting, but it certainly wasn’t the man in a navy coloured coat that stood before her.

Average. That was honestly the only word she could think of. He was taller than her, but not exactly tall. His hair was brown, but not notably; if you asked someone about it they probably would’ve struggled with saying exactly what colour it was. His eyes rested somewhere between light brown and dark, but again, they were unmemorable. He wasn’t handsome, but he wasn’t ugly. He wasn’t thin, or fat, he was just there. Every aspect of him was asking to be seen, but not remembered. Nia was having trouble even looking at him, but there he was.

“Can I help you?” Nia tried not to sound confused.

“I was just wondering if you had any rooms open,” he asked in a deep voice. Nia glanced at him quickly and tried to look past his appearance so she could focus on his soul. A golden light seemed to shimmer across his skin, but she couldn’t be sure.

“Sure, follow me. We’re fairly open right now, well, actually we’re completely open right now, so it shouldn’t be hard to find you something,” she turned from the door and motioned for him to follow her inside. She closed the door and tapped the light switch, flooding the room with bright light.

As she led him to the front registry she tried to look at his soul again. Even with the light she could see the yellow haze that surrounded his skin, along with six golden, marble sized lights that floated throughout his body. Nia smiled to herself. An exorcist. They reached the front desk and she slipped behind and sat down in the chair. “What’s your name?”

“Tamashi Keller,” he remained completely still as Nia noted the name in the registry. Almost too still, like he was trying not to move.

“What’s your class?”

“Class? I’m sorry, I’m not sure I heard you correctly,” feigning obliviousness.

“Don’t play coy with me,” she rounded on him, harsher than she had intended, “Next time you want to pretend you’re not an exorcist, don’t expose your soul. Now, what class are you?”

He smiled at her, “They said you were good. Middle first.”

“Middle firs…” She trailed off, “spirits of that level aren’t that active this early in the spring. What’s someone like you doing here?”

“I’m on assignment,” he didn’t flinch as the words left his mouth, but there was something in his tone that put Nia off. Something wasn’t right here, everything felt a little wrong.

“What assignment?” She responded normally.

“The capturing of a rough element within the property.”

Nia took a slow step back, subtly settling her weight into a defensive stance. Her boss would have warned her about any missions coming her way, and besides, none of their more troublesome spirits were even active this time of year. What is this guy playing at?

“I don’t believe you.”

“What?” For the first time since entering the building the man had faltered in his emotional control, obviously he hadn’t been expecting mistrust from someone so young. He began to stumble over his words, but Nia cut him off.

“You’re lying to me. What are you really here for?”

He paused a moment in an effort to regain his composure, then proceeded with the same calm and cool temperament he had entered with, “You.”

“What?” Her eyes shot up at him as chains formed around her wrists. With a brief flick of his fingers she flew across the room.

Nia rose from the floor as the chains began to dig into her skin and pulsate with low levels of energy, restricting her movements. Her arms were forced away from each other and she was dragged back down, onto her knees.

“Sorry about this. But it’s just to make sure you don’t summon that pesky spirit of yours.”

She almost laughed, “You don’t sound sorry,” she looked up at him, eyes burning with rage. He met her gaze unwaveringly.

“You’re right” He conceded, “I’m not.”

“Well that’s too bad,” she smiled, concentrating on calling out to the spirits around her, “Cause I really am sorry.”

“About what?” he asked as he settled himself in the chair Nia had been sitting in before. He glanced over at the book of symbols, but confusion quickly covered his face and he turned back to Nia.

“You haven’t stopped me from doing anything.”

His body went rigid as he regarded her with wide, unblinking eyes. “You couldn’t. ”

Nia closed her eyes and began to focus on the spiritual energy around her. The air became palpable as energy from the spirits condensed around her, filling her with power. Everything was still. She smiled. “Try me.”

Her eyes shot open and the room was flooded with a bright green glow that radiated from her irises. Lights around the room sparked and shattered. She called forth a name from the chaos and was engulfed in flames.

The room was plunged into darkness except for the firelight that licked at Nia’s body. Even the spirits that haunted her had scattered. Her murky black eyes had turned to a piercing red that radiated power and absolute authority.

“How did you-”  the man stammered as he backed away from her, tightening the grip of the chains. He may have claimed to be middle first class, but his reactions placed him closer to the upper second range.

Nia smirked.

“It’s simple,” a voice spoke that wasn’t quite hers, “our bond goes deeper than an average Summoner. We exist as a singularity in time and space. As long as I have power, there’s nothing you can do to stop us from combining.”

A flash of steel shone in the firelight, Nia only saw enough to dodge the movement. She felt the flames recede and her energy depart. She dropped to the floor again, the chains still tight around her wrists. She glared up automatically and found cold, emotionless golden eyes staring back at her.

Try as she might, Nia couldn’t look away. There was something about this newcomer, something that called to every fiber of her attention. She couldn’t turn her head, couldn’t move her eyes, she couldn’t even blink. She was completely entranced, frozen by his simple gaze; then he blinked. Just like that, the spell was broken and she was instinctively moving her arms to stop from falling flat on the floor.

She looked at her wrists, the chains were gone. When had that happened? Not like it mattered, she was just glad they weren’t there anymore. She tried to stand but the room began to spin, forcing her back onto the floor. Nia looked up again, hoping to find some understanding of what had just happened.

“You alright, Tamashi?” The man with the golden eyes asked in a smooth voice. Nia looked him over quickly, making sure to avoid his eyes. Almost immediately, she focused on the long trench coat he was cloaked in; navy blue with silver buttons and white accents. Another goddamn exorcist, she cringed. Honestly she should’ve expected this, an upper second was too low to be leading something like this, of course there was a First running the show.

Apart from that, there wasn’t much else defining this man. He was probably a few inches above average height, Nia guessed him at exactly six foot, with pulled back auburn hair, and a sword glowing blue with residual spirit energy.

“I’m fine,” Tamashi was brushing glass shards off his coat, “I told you I could handle this.”

“Mm, didn’t seem very ‘handled’. Regardless,” he sheathed his sword and crouched down in front of Nia, “You may be wondering what just happened.”

“Little bit, yeah,” she was no longer in a gaming mood, it was time to get serious.

“Well, to start off, I cut the chains connecting you and,” his eyes wandered for a moment, like he was looking for some specific detail, “Ki, isn’t it?”

Nia was too slow to cover her shock. She’d never given that name to the Society, so how in the world did this guy know it? She called out to the spirits again, contemplating if she should disobey her boss and unleash her full powers. Nothing happened.

What? She tried again, none of them moved. What the hell? Now she was mad, just who was this guy?

The man just smiled and continued on, “As you just noticed, I also placed a seal on your powers; one that even you can’t break. You won't be able to use magic until I decide that you can, so why don’t we get acquainted. I’m Captain Kauzic Syn, upper first. Who are you?”

Nia recognized the name instantly, but why would he be here? None of this was making any sense. “You should know,” She replied after some consideration, “After all, I technically work for you.”

He smiled again, actually, Nia wasn’t sure if he’d ever stopped, “That you do, Nia. Though I do find it strange that you wouldn’t try to use your name to gain some authority in this situation.” He placed his hand on the hilt of the sword and turned away.

“I’m figuring that my name wouldn’t help me in the least. You already know who I am and how my powers work, as well as how to stop them. Nothing I say will help me, because I’m what you came here for. So what do you want?”

“If only that were easy to answer,” the Captain stood and walked a few paces away from Nia, redrawing his sword. “I apologize for what I am about to do, but I hope you can understand that I really have no choice. After all,” he turned back to face her, “you’ve been classified as extremely dangerous.”

With a slash of his sword, Nia’s senses drifted away.

Author's Note

How are the opening lines? Is it gripping enough?
Is the character development good even though it's just an intro?
What do you think of the descriptions?
Does everything flow well and make sense?
What did you like?

Reviews

[Érenn]

Well sorry I am late(something or the other decided to pop up for me) but nonetheless I finally came around to read this. And what were my thoughts on the write?? Well I based it on a few criteria I had in mind and here they are:

Language: Very impressive, loved the vocabulary you have used here, they invoke quite a lot of imagery and provides the ambience needed for the reader to settle in. Again if there were any grammatical errors I am under this spell of ignoring them to enjoy the read so can't help you there as such. But there is one thing I will have to point out, the tonal changes aren't that great, Even though your write has a sophisticated feel it lacks a bit of impact when it comes to delivering a few dialogues, which sort affects the ambience.

Build-up: Prologues are always about the build-up the opening act that will suck the readers in and make them want to read more. And the opening lines have to be really inviting. In this case they falter a bit. ( I am struggling with the same problem, but for me it's because I have this intention of deceiving my readers of what my book could be all about..) Even though you mentioned a book of unreadable symbols in the second line, I'd say try describing how Nia was feeling at the moment when she was reading that book, (describe the turning of the pages and how her hands acted and the expression on her face) first then follow it up with the location and the book held. It would intrigue the readers more. Another thing about the write is pacing. The pacing here is quite uneven and it doesn't help in this case. Your opening paras are too slow compared to the rest of the write. And problem is not much is going on to begin the write with. Add a few events that might be surrounding the hotel( and if it's soundproof, talk a little more about the atmosphere in the hotel) But those are the only issues. You do a good job throughout rest of the write. And I'd say a lot of action is also packed in the prologue itself, so job well done. The last part of the write was a little unexpected for me... Not sure though whether what you showed was a good thing or not. I will judge that as I go on to read the latter chapters.

Character Build: You have introduced three characters already in the prologue (presuming all three will have major roles to play as the story unfurls). But you didn't do enough justice as far as describing them is taken into consideration, I had a hard time imagining Tamashi only part of his facial features were properly expressed and nothing else about his physique was properly expressed. Again the same case with Kauzic. I am trying to visualize what Kauzic could look like and it's fluctuating too much. Sometimes if nothing else give an idea about how he sounds at least in that manner I might be able to think the guy could look gruff or have a sly nature or something.... So even though the whole scene is unfurling pretty nicely images get a little fluctuated for me. You have introduced two Strong Characters (Nia and Kauzic) You need to ensure the readers can visualize them properly. Only Nia was properly described as far as I could see (still one or two lines would define her outline even better)

Story Quality(so Far): I will give it 9.4/10.(One improves as time passes on and works on the same write tirelessly trying to make it better) Two reasons, I am a huge fan of the occult and supernatural and this one might become very relatable with the universe I am working with. So I might be a little harsher while judging when it comes to such genre. You have introduced quite a lot of things in this write, ranging from the class system the so called Summoners and exorcists themselves. You may leave many readers intrigued as to what all species or races will be introduced as the story continues. Well done. Many questions have popped up in the readers' minds that will make them want to read the next chapter(s). I love the plot that is brewing here, and if you could somehow refine a few parts here in this write I would love it even more. So well done !!(I am sure the quality of research on the elements mentioned here will be revealed when I read the future chapters)

Other points worth mentioning: Good job when it comes to the fight scene(s) made me ask for more of that since not only did it keep the read pacy but also very interesting. Some of the dialogues were delivered quite well thus these two elements majorly contributed to the overall ambience.

Conclusion: Overall a great read and it's made me want to know what's going to happen next. And since this is a genre I love you definitely score high in terms of all elements you have presented here and I would love to see how each of this grows and is explained here ^^ (especially Nia coming from a powerful house, some rich history is definitely connected there, you know deduction helps) So looking forward to a lot of things.

I enjoyed the story and the little refinements are all that's needed really. So the patches are easily overshadowed by the creativity and the way you have set up the whole right BRAVO!!! Thank you for sharing ^^.

P.S I have a tendency to skip words since my mind's running faster than my hands. Hopefully no important word missed that would make my statement vague or give it a different meaning all together. Also I hope I didn't sound harsh or mean, if I did I deeply apologise for I had no such intention except for stating my honest opinions on the write

[Zoë]

In the theme of apologizing, sorry it took me so long to respond. I had school, then I was sick, then I was on vacation, but I'm back now and better than ever. So I'm trying to get around to everything I had put on hold ^^
Moving on,

Language: When you say that the tonal changes aren't that great what exactly do you mean? You could either mean that a lot of the characters sound the same, that their voices don't seem to change, that the mood doesn't change with the dialogue, or that the line isn't suited for the moment. I can see either of these being a possibility XD Also, how would you suggest fixing it? If you could just point out a specific line that would be really helpful.

Build Up: JCat also pointed out that the opening wasn't intriguing enough, so I'm already working on fixing that. Also, in a sense I'm deceiving my readers with this prologue, but I feel like it's in a much smaller way than whatever you have written because it wasn't entirely intentional. I like your idea about the book, I'll definitely think about that when I'm editing. Pacing is a problem I have constantly, I really need to fix it here because the opening is too slow. I'll try to add more to the hotel, I agree that its a little sparse in its description. The last part is supposed to be unexpected, and it's the lead in for the main mystery throughout the story.

Character Build: From my prologue, Nia is really the only important character. Kauzic shows up a few more times in the future, and will become important, but for now he's not someone I'm focusing on. As for Tamashi, he's not important here, he's just a guy, and he'll only show up one more time in the future. A point where Nia only says one thing about him, which is "It's the average man in the blue jacket." and that's about it. Continuing with Tamashi, I went over this with JCat, but he is simply an average man. Whatever that means to you, that's what he looks like (except for the few minor details I added). However, I will try to add more to Kauzic because he's a character I have a solid view of, so thanks for pointing that out. I'll also go in and add more to Nia's description.

Story Quality: Ooh, sounds interesting, what universe are you working in? If you like supernatural type stuff I hope you don't get too thrown off by the next chapter or so. It takes a step back because I need to bring in some characters, but after that it should pick back up to what this prologue was like. And hey, I love harsh criticism because it tells me what I need to improve on, so don't worry about it :) You talked about refining some parts, is there anything else you suggest I refine besides what's just mentioned above? Also, if you love the plot that's brewing now, just wait till Nia shows up again; that's when the real questions start.
- One small thing about research. Most of the time, if I specifically mention a name or date it would help to look up the meaning of the name or things that happened that year. I like to little easter eggs in my character names.

Thank you so much for all your compliment and critiques, it really means a lot! I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you like how it progresses from here (I guess from chapter 1 really, because that's where the story actually starts). And, since you're already picking up on the "houses", I'll just tell you know that family names are very important in this story. Anyway, thank you for reading and leaving such a great critique!

P.S. I didn't notice any major miss spellings, only minor ones. So no problems there. Also, you didn't sound too mean, I openly welcome your honest opinion any time.

[Érenn]

Hi Zoe I will try to be as useful as possible when it comes to giving these suggestions (Although I am so damn sleepy) First:

Language: Well I'd say your dialogues sometimes fail to convey the mood more than anything else. And yes distinction created between two characters while conversing in the dialogue itself helps in identifying who's speaking what. The other thing about tonal changes here, is that dialogues could be made a little more sophisticated and a little more defined. for example: "What's your Class?"

"What's my what?" How about you write the same dialogue as: "Pardon me, Class was it? Not sure if I am catching your drift here. " He feigned innocence and obliviousness.

I know this could increase word count but you see normally this kind of dialog can create a mood (I hope it did or else I am the one who would sound stupid right now)

Build-up: When your pacing is slow keep it engaging, I guess that's when your dialogs would do the trick when you can't add any descriptions as such.

Story Quality: Hmm when I meant refinements it's all about the delivery. one needs to reach a certain amount of sophistication, just like how I portrayed in the dialogue example. I might suggest some other things as well but I will have to read the prologue again (can't do it right now)

Oh and don't worry about the chapters drifting a little from the genre, it makes the write more realistic. Moderation is always necessary. And my Universe would deal with a lot of scriptures and inter-related universes and races, I will PM about it if you are curious to know more ^^. And good thing you leave Easter Eggs they can be fun to open and find those interesting fun facts ^^

And yes I like what's brewing up here and therefore I have kept my expectations bar pretty high on what's to follow. So I will be dwelling into the next chapter soon ^^

[Zoë]

Language: Alright, I'll work on making the dialogue fit the mood more (and more sophisticated). But if Nia can be snarky she always will be and Kauzic also tends to be very laid back. I like your suggestion with Tamashi, I'll definitely keep it in mind when I go back and edit. And yeah, it did help convey the mood, so you don't sound stupid right now :) As for word count, I'm not really concerned about it.

Build Up: I would love to add more dialogue to the beginning to start it faster, but she is in an empty room, so that's out. But I'll figure out something to get the story going.

Story Quality: While my writing is (somewhat) sophisticated, it's not "fantastic". So refinement is something I really need to on over all. I would love it if you had time to point out other sections, but don't worry if you can't get to it.
Awesome, the main reason it drifts for a while is because the main character (well, one of them) is a complete novice. She doesn't know anything about the world of ghosts and magic, so I can't just bring her in and have her know everything. Which is why it deviates for a little, but I think I get back on track fairly quickly. I would love to know more about your universe, so send me a PM when you have time :)
I use so many Easter Eggs in my character's names it's almost ridiculous. Almost all of them, important or not, have some sort of meaning to their name. For example Tamashi Keller's name (my least important character so far) translates to Spirit Keller, and Keller sounds close to Killer. So his name is basically Spirit Killer, and he's an exorcist (shocker shocker).

I really hope that you like the next chapter and that I keep your interest peaked.

[Érenn]

Oh don't worry just like you i give a lot of attention to detail so no worries there I know what you mean by symbolism ^^ Also I will take out the time and point all those things I feel you can improve on to make your write sound better. And yeah I will PM and give you a peak of my universe. Oh and if you do get the time read the short story Making Peace and share your views on it don worry it's short (250 words) would love to hear your views on that one ^^

[Zoë]

I will definitely get to Making Peace tonight after I finish reviewing Chronicles of Odin and Tweakerville. It's the least I could do for such a great review. And thank you so much for taking the time to point out everything I can improve on and sending me a peak into your universe. I can't wait to read it!

[Julijana]

Well I wanted to give you a constructive review but then I saw that others wrote them far far better than I could have so I'm thinking there's not much I could contribute here. Nonetheless I have to say that I enjoyed your writing, it was good not excellent but it did get me interested in the world you're building and characters that are in it. I think that your descriptions need a little work but there's nothing I could pinpoint at my current level of skill in writing. All in all it did intrigue me in the world building department more than any other fantasy books that I have read recently and I think you did a very good job here.

[Kuro]

Definitely the writing here is more mature as compared to your old piece. I think you have gotten a good grip of conventional style. The story is good.

[Zoë]

Thanks for the compliments Kuro! Conversations are what I pride myself on as a writer :)

[JCat]

As always, I deeply apologise if my blunt review offends you. The greatest dishonour I could insult you with would be to lie. However, I do always try to focus on the positive as well as what needs improved. Remember, take on what's useful from my review and throw in the trash what isn't.

Detailed Read Through (Most of this is usually critical. If I don't have a lot of time, or the piece is longer than 1000 words, then this part can be not-so-detailed):

Your opening line is not appetizing enough. There's a lot of description, and a few questions (why is it empty?) but not enough. Try and add more mystery to it, and if you can, emotion.

"average man"? Average in what? Was he dressed commonly, was he of normal height. If you're trying to say he looks nothing out of the ordinary, that makes sense but try and elaborate more on that. Average is too vague.

"open." He" to "open" he" Putting a full stop after dialogue and then putting the "he said" in makes it seem staggered. Read out loud when editing, that usually helps.

"his" is used a lot in this sentence. Consider removing one "noticing golden eyes beneath his long brunette hair" or "noticing his golden eyes beneath long brunette hair"

"Nia smiled to herself. An exorcist" instead perhaps? with the full stop? But well done on the italics.

Good for using new lines for new dialogue. Always good.




Overall Analysis:

Your story has a lot of promise, I mean a lot of promise. We've got a direct link to the supernatural, a class system readers can immediately understand, lot's of fun action scenes and your language is creative and engaging.

Now for the downside,

Your using adjectives a little bit to much (I know, it's super hard not to use them but I'm a firm believer of "if your verb isn't enough, it's a s**t verb". Now, sometimes a s**t verb is all we have and we have to use adjectives, but be very careful and selective. A challenge: 1 adjective for 100 words (you've used 16 adjectives in this piece.)

This does move very fast, most of the time that's great but sometimes that makes it confusing. However, if you were sending this off to a publisher you'd no doubt pack this lots more which might give a little more sense to the scenes.

This prologue also gets slow to fast. If anything, you need it to be faster in the beginning. The first few lines are what your readers judge you on. This is your interview period. This is the difference between mumbling about your qualifications or passionately enthusing about the position you want. Make sure your first line is your best line, in the whole novel. Your second line is your second best line in the whole novel, and so on.


My last point would be that Nia's death is what I'd call "a betrayal of the author". She's the first character we see here. We invest in her. But then she suddenly dies. Not a huge problem in a prologue this short, but still a problem.

However, while my review may seem largely critical, I really did like this story. You have packed this full of interesting things and obviously you have got a very creative brain. I'm giving you a 78 on the ratings (Everyone starts at 50, and gets better or worse depending on how the story goes), because I really really think this storyline is good, interesting, immensely creative and exciting. You have a wonderful imagination and raw talent with writing. While it still needs refined, refinement is very possible. Trust me, I would know.

If I can, I will review chapter 1 if I find the time. However I'm averaging 2 requests a day so it might be difficult. However, keep at it! this is interesting.

[Zoë]

Thank you so much for the review! And if it's not for blunt criticism how are people supposed to improve?

I do agree that the opening isn't good enough. I've been trying to add more to the start, but so far I haven't written anything that I like. Either way, I'm definitely aware of the problem and I'm working on fixing it by "adding more".

I completely understand your critique of the "average man", but there are a few reasons I didn't describe him in any detail other than "average". I want the readers to be able to substitute in what they think is average. Whether that means he's tall, short, blond, or brunette; I want the reader to decide. There's also the point that this is following around Nia, and whatever character I'm following I like to incorporate some of their flaws. As Nia shows up later you'll start to notice that she doesn't look into details when it comes to people, she generalizes them. She doesn't really care what people look like, and she's not ones for first impressions, so she doesn't pay attention and, as such, she can't describe them later on other than vague details.

As for the ""open." He" to ""open" he", putting a period at the end of my dialogue sentences is just how I learned to write, but you're right that it makes it seem staggered. Thanks for pointing that out, it never occurred to me.

You're right that I use "his" a lot, I'll try to cut down on that when I can, and I'll definitely use your suggestions when I edit.

That's a good point with the full stop thing. I think that was supposed to be a period, so thanks for catching that :)

On one hand, I love adjectives and I'll probably never stop using them. But, on the other, I like your challenge of using 1 per 100 words and I think that will really help me improve my writing. So I accept your challenge, and I'll try to thin out my adjective use.

I realize that the prologue moves fast, and that's kinda how I wanted it. But what would you suggest adding to make it better/less confusing?

As I said earlier, I realize that the opening is to slow and I'm working on fixing that. But I total agree that it needs to start faster.

You may have gotten this from one of my earlier comments, but this isn't the last time we're going to see Nia. So, in that respect, she isn't dead. Originally this prologue didn't exist, I only added it after I had written the first few chapters and I realized that I wanted the readers to have a previous interaction with Nia. Even if that was just a small glimpse into her personality or powers, I still wanted them to have some idea as to who she is before she shows up again in the story.

Your comment on refinement is something I agree with completely. I've been writing seriously for a little over a year and, at this point, I'm not even out of high school. There's still plenty of time for me to learn how to write better and "refine" my skills, which is why your in-depth review means so much to me. It brings up or points out things that I never would've thought of, much less caught myself.

As I said, thank you so much for the review and all the things you complimented and critiqued me on. And, seeing as you start at 50, I'm really impressed with my 78! I'm really happy that you liked the story and I hope you get a chance to look over Chapter 1 as well, but if you can't get to it that's fine. This review has helped more than you know!

[JCat]

Damnit did I say adjectives? I meant adverbs! Sorry. That makes more sense than using less adjectives. Ahh so sorry.

Honestly, for the prologue to seem less confusing, it would be good to have less things going on. It's a bit like, okay, he's a exorcist, wait, now she's a demon? Is she a demon? Does she like the demon? Is it her choice? Is she possessed, or replaced? Where did all the other hunter's come from? Those are the kind of questions I was asking myself as I read the piece.

I see. I guess this is the "danger of the prologue" thing. We're often warned about how dangerous prologues can be and why we should really not be using them in novels. But everyone wants to use them, and I myself have this battle over my first novel as well.

For a high-school aged person, this is very good work. I didn't know you were that young. (I'm 18 myself, but I have technically never been to secondary school)

I've put chapter one on my reviewing list. However, it'll be a week and a half at least until I get to it. But I'm looking forward to it, it might change my view of the prologue.

And as I said, sorry this took about 40 years to reply to. I got sick and the weekend was crazy busy.

[Zoë]

XD I figured you meant adverbs, but you never know.

I'll keep that in mind when I have time to go back and edit. Most of your questions are easily answered (like upper class exorcists are really good at entering places without being seen. But I was considering taking it down to just two exorcists anyway, so it probably wont be a problem for much longer) and some are answered in the story. However, some of your questions can only be answered by spoilers, which is kinda what I was going for.
This prologue is written off of what people should know about half way through the story. It incorporates elements from the start and the end, so some of your questions are what I want people to be asking. Although you do have others that I definitely need to go back and clarify, so thanks for pointing those out.

I know it's bad to use prologues and I debated against this for a long time, but when Nia shows up later she has some pretty severe amnesia. I felt that having some backstory to her would help the plot as it starts to advance, because the readers will know something about her that she doesn't know.

Yeah, I actually just turned 17. I never would've guessed you didn't go to secondary, your writing is amazing. Like, seriously crazy good for an 18 year old!

Okay, I look forward to seeing what you think. But, from this review, I'm already going to guess that you'll think the opening is also slow... which it is, so (preemptive strike) I will work on it :)

Haha, yeah, I've been busy too, so I know how that is. Hope you're better.

[Sarah Wilson]

Wow! I love how this just sucks you in! It manages to combine action and detail without being drawn out or slow! Great hook!

[Zoë]

Thanks a lot!

[Sarah Wilson]

Sorry, I tried to find something more constructive, but I couldn't :)

[Zoë]

That's fine, I just hope you'll take the time to read more :)

[Sarah Wilson]

Definitely!