waiting on weightA Poem by annie lee the lifelong obsession
wait wait weight...i am thinking about weight. as if that is any surprise. i was born to think about weight. i was raised to regard my body as my enemy. i was conditioned to regard sexuality and self-love as anathema. the screaming contradictions that were crammed into my head are mind-boggling now that i pull them out, one-by-one: i must be feminine but neutral -- as in neutered, with no sexuality a lady in the Mrs. Beaver Cleaver’s mom sense of the word. i must eat every morsel on my plate because somewhere ragamuffins (with whom my mother would not even consider allowing me to play) were starving: little yellow, brown and black ragamuffins who -- it goes without saying -- were not as good as me, did not know jesus and were certainly not going to heaven -- but who were starving nonetheless and deserved our pity. i must never draw attention to myself but i must learn to speak up in a confidently audible tone. i must never spend time in front of a mirror preening and primping but i must always comport myself with pride. wait wait weight does seem to be the perfect answer: the way to flee without going away. wait it was the perfect answer, but it blotted out the sun, in a way. weight but now i have perfected this body armor; it is an impenetrable fortress. it guards me; it holds me prisoner. it is a habit that holds a gun on me and at any moment, that gun may fire. it has outlived its usefulness, but how to dismiss it like a boarder who had worn out his welcome, like a tiresome lover like the old friend who has remained absolutely the same since high school. once someone told me how beastly it was for me to be fat, that i was taking food from the mouths of starving millions. that was a body blow; the catechism of my childhood, “clean your plate because children are starving in China” shattered into shards of disbelief. wait weight on one of the few actual dates i had before my marriage, a young man looked at me and asked “why are you fat?” i remember being flabbergasted -- as if it was a choice, i thought. but now i see it was a choice, made long before i could articulate or reason my way through the contradictions and mysteries. i do not remember how i answered; i do remember wondering if he asked me out just to ask that question. weight wait now i am slippin’ and slidin’ off
the slope of middle age. i have never in my life felt attractive or comfortable in my own skin unless i am alone. i have, in spite of all odds, experienced success and happiness. i am considered rather brave and pretty damned smart. but this -- this weight -- is my dragon. i want to vanquish this dragon but i cannot do it alone, i want to tell the dragon WAIT i was obedient and the least you can do is wait weight
© 2013 annie leeFeatured Review
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annie leePrunedale, CAAboutI'm a tough old broad who spent almost 30 years at Ma Bell, and that is high level training for surviving in the jungle. Thank you for your patience. I am retired from the Unix and Linux world, but w.. more..Writing
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