The tears not yet shed

Something is wrong. Something is always wrong. I keep messing up and I keep throwing away every chance I get on having a semi care-free life. I have bad habits that ruin my health and push others away because they just can’t deal with me. I feel angry all the time for no reason and I just want to stop crying. Or, at least, I want to be allowed to cry. I don’t want to hold the tears in anymore until I have a chance to hide away in my room. I should be allowed to cry. Right? My teacher just assigned an assignment and there was a description on why it’s healthy to cry. Why we should cry. But when I cry, it’s about the most stupid, selfish things. I cried when my trip to Chicago got cancelled with my senior year. I cried when I turned in an assignment late. I cried when I was failing so hard at Chemistry because I couldn’t process the information fast enough. 

But why couldn’t I cry when my dad was arrested? Why couldn’t I cry when a few months later, we found out my mom had cancer. Why couldn’t I cry when I was 6 and I was told that my friend’s dad was going to pick me up from school because my 4 year old sister fell on her neck at preschool and was in the hospital.

Instead of worrying or being afraid, I was excited to have a sleep over at my best friend’s house. What in the world is wrong with me? It’s not like I didn’t understand. I knew what was going on. I knew she was hurt and we didn’t know how bad it was, but even still, I didn’t cry. I remember being afraid seeing her for the first time in the brace, but I didn’t cry.

And yet, I’ve cried at every single surgery, operation, you name it. I cried every single time they had to put that stupid oxygen mask over my face because I was scared and in pain. But when I see someone else hurting, I just can’t bring myself to cry. I feel upset, I feel like I want to cry, but I just can’t.

That night my mom got diagnosed, I went to work not even an hour later. I spent a 5 hour shift pretending like everything was okay. I left my sister home alone just so that I didn’t miss a day.

It’s not like I wasn’t given a choice. I was. And I chose to leave. I called up my aunt on my walk to work, asking her if she knew. She did and she drove 6 hours to help us out that week. She is honestly my life line. She was a witness for my dad’s case, she took care of my sister and I for such a long time when she had her own family back at her place. And she told me something I will never forget. She told me it’s okay not to cry. I’m still trying to understand that, but I think I’m getting there.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading <3

Stay safe during these hard times