Commodus

Commodus was a horse

to beat every horse

He had the grace of a sylph

the strength of a pillar 

the edge of a killer 

To his rivals he was the bane

this satin steed was cyclone

storm and hurricane 

On the wave of a wand

Commodus just flew past 

the winning grandstand 

Yet victory was not his quest 

no gold to garrison 

racing the wind, his sole ambition 

He pounded the racetrack 

*Ichor in his veins 

blazing a glorious trail

in the fastest of lanes

But one sad, fateful day 

thundered the jealous Gods of rain 

pouring on him, a harvest of pain 

Dashing to the finishing line

the stallion skidded and fell 

breaking in two, his splendid spine 

Stilled for once was Commodus 

neighing in sheer agony

till the misty vale of death

turned the sky dark as ebony 

The swifter the pace

the greater the thrill 'n joy

speed destroys 

and yet we think 

It tells the men from the boys

 

*Ichor - Blood of Gods

Author's Note

Thanks a ton for reading

Reviews

[;)]

A brilliant tale, Pestonjee. Another ten word challenge, I presume? Your title is well selected, and the name of a Roman Emperor in the embodiment of a thoroughbred is well conceived. The theme itself is so apt; on so many occasions do we see the champions of the racing world break down under the sheer exertion of their supremely gifted efforts. It's always the good ones that give their all that come to an untimely demise. What completes the poem for me is the moral message you have delivered at the conclusion; that speed kills and that we foolishly use it as the test for the worthiness of man and beast. It's an excellent work and one that again passes the challenge with flying colours. Very well done, Pestonjee.

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton Brilliance! Yes, another 10 word challenge by a brilliant friend of mine. He's quite an ace in horse racing himself, so I thought I'll try this subject. I hope he's pleased. Will share with him soon.
Your words help me go on with my humble scribbles. Many heartfelt thanks always! 🤗

[barleygirl]

Even tho this is a well-told story full of details that are artfully expressed about horse-racing, I could also read this as NOT being specifically about horse racing. It could be about life, in general, too. Sometimes those who yearn only for victory can be broken in that overwhelming pursuit, broken in ways that may not be evident at first, & I sense a bit of irony from your flippant use of that stale old adage in the last line (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

[AJNJ]

I really like the way you viewed this. Commodus was a bit tongue in cheek and thank you so much for being the only one to read this so beautifully. HUGS!

[augustus]

The romance of horse racing. It's sad just how many race horses are put down through lack of wins!
Your description is good and worth a second read!

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton dear sir.

[Archishman Rick]

Great poetic tale and savvy as ever, Mr. Pestonjee! A lesson etched in the backdrop of ambition and adventure. Commodus the horse shows us how costly it could turn out if one gives in to the thrill of their own pace and prowess, which can beat the constructive purpose entirely. The virtuous Spiderman quote of great power and responsibility comes to mind as well. The last stanza reminds me of a friend who is crazy for revving and speeding his car haha.. May the heavens be with him. This poem has been greatly penned my friend. Felt a pleasantly familiar vibe. Take care and best regards.

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton, my friend. Sometimes we don't know our own power. That's why I use it with discretion and never go beyond 30kms/hr. Haha. Speed isn't macho. Its stupid. I'd rather be a live tortoise than a dead hare 😀
Thanks for such awesome appreciation dear Archishman!

[Archishman Rick]

You're much welcome dear sir. You delivered a witty message with your reply. I'll be sure to convey that to my speed freaky friend :D

[John the Baptist]

Has the sound of a myth, and like all good myths, it teaches a lesson. Physical prowess, whether of strength or speed, accompanied by reckless ambition, can bring a sorry end to the finest of specimens. Commodus, like Icarus, who flew too close to the sun, pushed things too far, and paid the price. Sometimes, lessons are too costly.

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton, dear sir!

[Jimmy Yetts]

Horse or man, also-ran or champion, we all come to a sad end.
Champions, however, leave a legacy.
Commodus was such a horse.
Reminds me very much of an American horse, Seattle Slew--a Triple Crown winner--who won
a leg of that crown by some 32 lengths. Fans wept.
Powerful poem, Pestonjee!

[AJNJ]

Champions are something else!
Thanks a ton for sharing your thoughts, dear sir!

[Umar Aziz]

I really like this story very much. I wish I could write something like this for my school magazine.

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton my friend. I'm here for any tips, anytime. Just message if you need help with it.

[Umar Aziz]

thank you very much

[Dave Brown]

This is a masterful effort
You have taken your 10 words and created a whole new atmosphere of supreme success and ultimate tragedy
This needs to have a whole novel written around it
Just excellent

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton! I'm humbled. 🤗

[Chris Shaw]

Another one of those ten word wonders you are so good at PestonJee. What a fine specimen of a horse was Commodus and what a tragic ending for this magnificent creature. You gave me such speed of movement in the imagery and the sheen of his coat memorable. Yes, speed is fine dear Pestonjee, but not in everything we do :) Great poetry.

Chris

[AJNJ]

Thanks a ton for such a glowing review, dear Ms. Chris. Means very much!

[Chris Shaw]

Always a pleasure reading your work. Have a great day.

[Inessa]

I am fond of the horse myself, Pestonjee, and with this poem you have written gracefully on the subject, a tale in poetic verse. Another ten words and a very tricky bunch at that! Commodus for a racehorse name is inspired and your following nine words flow from that central idea wonderfully. The tale itself is tragic and the message at your poem's completion speaks of truth. It's very well created, this one. You are very good at these ten word challenges! Loved the tale. Well written!

[AJNJ]

Ten word challenges are great to test the intellect, if you ask me. Shows ones neurons are still firing adequately. In any case, I just love them. I invite you to this game too, Ms. Inessa. Throw anything at me if you like. :)
Thanks a ton and more!

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the thrill of the race, competing to be the best self, but not caring about accolades afterwards, medals or prizes...it is the thrill of doing it. much like writing is to me, it's not for praise, or publication, or notoriety, it is the thrill of the composing...the creative process...the race.
j.

[AJNJ]

I absolutely relate to your thoughts here, dear sir! Thanks a ton for sharing them!