My Beloved Blue

When you see the pain you've caused others, the pain dealt back to you is doubled.

I sit out here being watched by the moon as if it’s the very eye of God. Its glimmering beauty helps remove some of the evils that leave holes in my cold, barely beating heart. Darkness begins to envelope the sky, for now my beloved blue houses the slightly brighter moon and the stars that surround it in an angelic pattern. The trees shake and the wind tries to comfort them as it wraps around the rough, trembling pieces of bark. I watch the limbs rock back and forth as if they are trying to reach up and touch the little flamboyant lights that hang in the sky. The wind picks up again and it brushes my face, leaving a chill as it carries my tears away into the gloomy ambiance of the night. I sit still; my breath is the only sound I hear. I watch the sky grow darker and my heart sinks even lower as my beloved blue completely vanishes and leaves me out here all alone with my emotions. My sadness, my anger, my guilt, all tighten the chains that bind my faith and redemption. I shudder, for there seems little hope for me anymore.

I look up and focus on the black silhouettes of the barely visible trees. The silhouettes seem to start moving as they illustrate all the times I’ve hurt somebody, all the times that I’ve caused someone pain. All the moments that I regret flash across the silhouettes, making me start to squirm and yell out. The memories move faster and the chains seem to tighten as any hope for my redemption seems to diminish more and more. I squirm even more yet the memories keep coming. Remorse fills my body as the memories seem to never end. All the pain that I’ve caused follows each memory and I cry out in agony. Once again the memories move faster and faster and once again I squirm even harder.  Shame is present on my face as I shake and tremble, hoping the chains will be broken. The silhouettes seem to mock me as my heart beats faster and faster showing nothing but repentance. In pure torture I cry out, my heart seeing less and less of a reason for it to keep beating. My eyes find themselves once again on the memories that still flash across the trees. I watch until I feel I have nothing to live for then… the memories stop. Figures are now present within the silhouettes. I look at the shadows and they look back. They reach out for me and I just sit there and let them.

The figures look familiar as they reach out for me. I just sit there as they come closer and closer. When the shadows are close enough for me to see the contours of their faces I freeze. The faces belong to my friends. I try to look away because I deserve to be left alone right now, abandoned. As I start to turn my head the shadows grab me and won’t let go. I look even closer at their faces and see the tears that used to be present on their faces. It seems they too, felt the pain that I felt as I realized I was no one. The shadows all put their hands on me and I somehow feel better. I look into their dull, listless eyes that house the same sadness that I felt. I feel my heart pick up again as it once again sees a reason for it to beat. The shadows move in even closer and their hands move towards the chains that bound me. I see them all smiling as they tug and I hear the chains snap and fall to the ground. I feel reborn and renewed as I stare at the chains that now rest on the ground. At that moment the shadows disperse and I am left alone to watch the trees that tremble in the heart of the night.

I sit out here under the moon that is now fully illuminated. The stars dance in the sky and the wind wraps around the trees, still trying to calm them in the heat of the night. The chains that were on the ground are now gone, but I still stare at the place where they once laid. The ground there seems different; as if it had a burden resting on it that now is resolved. My glance now shifts to the sky as I watch the glimmering ball of light shine down and light up my face. I stand and walk over to the trees that my friends came from, the same trees that caused me so much pain and agony. I put my hand on the bark and it feels as if the bark responds to me. I turn around and head for the door. As I turn the knob and start to go inside I stop. I turn around and look once more at the silhouettes of the trees. Then I look at the night sky and smile. I walk inside smiling, waiting for my beloved blue to return tomorrow.