Sammy

A Story by AJay

Sammy.

Sammy is as spunky as they come, his personality is as vibrant as his tangerine coat, and as wild as his lion's chest. My days always seem to start with chasing Sammy around the apartment trying to get my wild beast to eat his meal before he rips through the place. Adventure is what my Sammy craves and he’ll stop at nothing until he’s satisfied. Running through our home like an energizer bunny, knocking over almost everything in his path is just a by-product, a necessity to get the full experience of the wonder he so desperately seeks.

As much as my daily life consists of cleaning up after Sammy and making sure he doesn’t hurt himself, or anyone else, I have to admit, I admire him, his passion for life and drive to obtain what he desires is unmatched.

Sammy came on a hot July day, it seemed as though I was the only one excited for his arrival. My partner was less than thrilled, another mouth to feed was all he saw. We already had twin boys and a new home we just settled into. Sammy was not welcome in his eyes and the resentment hit hard in my direction. To my face he was cold and dismissive to the boy, never giving me the satisfaction of a kind moment, making sure I knew he wanted no part in our new arrival. Sammy took it in strides, soon he’d found out that behind closed doors, far away from mom, he was one of dad’s greatest joys.

Unfortunately his secret love for Sammy wasn’t the only secret he was keeping. People tend not to be who you think they are. The three boys and myself needed to find a new place to live, and fast.

We settled into a small two bedroom apartment with long hallways and ampal windows and sunshine. The twins settled in just fine, pros at moving from new home to new home with me. Sammy on the other hand, didn’t do so well. His adventurous ways turned into frantic anxiety, crying all day long, he wouldn't leave my side for anything. I couldn’t get a moment without Sammy needing to be held. Not even the bathroom was safe from Sammy’s constant desire for my attention.

It had been a hard few months, but slowly, after what seemed to be far too long, Sammy became accustomed to his new home and seemed to go back to his reckless disposition, again needing no attention or psychical touch from me, except,.. the screams at the bathroom door still have not changed. The bathroom for an unknown reason seemed to be the only place Sammy wanted love. The bathroom seemed to give Sammy peace in his constant struggle to always be moving. There was no end to the howls unless I opened the door for him to come in or left completely giving up.

Today I let him in, he gently brushes up against my legs with a soft coo until I picked him up and cradled him in my arms. As my hands wrap around my plump boy the hums of contentment ripped through his body. Just like every other part of Sammy’s personality the noises he makes are also over the top. You can feel them vibrate through his entire body and audibly one of the loudest things I’ve ever heard.

Here in the bathroom Sammy and I come to an understanding, pure and sweet, here is where we show our need for love. I can’t help but want to cry at the sweet moment of passion. A Tasmanian devil this boy is, yet here he finds a moment to let me know I am loved, that I can make him feel safe and calm, as always Sammy has the courage to ask for what he wants. Something I have never been able to do.

I try to be very present during these few moments I get with Sammy, but I can’t help but wonder why the bathroom neediness has remained.

I think hard on on Sammy’s upbringing, and that’s when my stomach sank. My ex.. The only times he felt safe to give Sammy the love and attention he deserved was behind closed doors. During showers, brushing his teeth, whatever it may have been, I could hear him sing to Sammy, undoubtedly holding him in his arms. Somehow the person I would love nothing more than to forget all about has brought me the moment i hold so close. It has taken me months to fully rid my life of any reminisce of his presents, yet he still haunts me.

I can feel the rug being pulled out from under me, I had been keeping myself too busy to think about what had happened, running around frantic, spastic, just to avoid any thought of my past. If I’m being honest Sammy’s outbursts these last few months had been a welcomed distraction, I hated myself for my selfish gratitude for his discomfort.

Still, Sammy is the one bringing me to my knees. His remembrance in what brings him comfort and contentment is forcing me to sit and be still for the first time in a long time.

Suddenly I am angry, I no longer want these memories, I don’t want anything to do with that man. I can’t help but feel resentment towards Sammy, I have the urge to drop him out of my arms and get him out of the bathroom. Betrayed. My heart starts to burn as I try to hold back the flow of memories and their emotions attached at bay. It's all too much.

I hadn’t realized I had been clutching my eyes shut, I made a conscious effort to open them, to look Sammy in the eyes, emerald green eyes met my stare, he must have been looking at me the entire time. He reached out and rested his five small digits on my chin, and closed his eyes.

Trust.

And drool.

So much drool Sammy.. Just like the inevitable drool, the flow of salt water down my cheeks and onto poor Sammy’s tiny mitt were subtle at first, but soon became a waterfall. Soon uncontrollable throaty sobs ripped through my body.

The feelings that goes beyond hurt, the feeling that my entire insides had been cored out, Stolen, leaving me with nothing. Its returned.

The feelings of abandonment, knowing the person I was sure I would spend the rest of my life with clearly did not have the same sentiment. He lured me into a false sense of security just so he could manipulate me.

Begging me to open up my heart to him, just so he could laugh as he watched my face when he shattered it underneath his boots.

I didn’t trust him, so he gave me a buffet of reason not to.

As my body shook with turning emotions, Sammy’s still purring with comfort and contentment, our energy no doubt flowing through each other with every pulse. I’d poured all my shame and insecurities onto Sammy in a way I couldn't help. In return he lets me, unfazed by me now being the hysterical one.

I felt the pressure lift away from my chin, soaking wet, he took his paw and started grooming himself in my arms. With a few simple licks and flourishes against his jaw, he cleaned away the frustration and sadness I poured onto him. I didn’t even think what my outburst would have done to Sammy, I didn’t consider the fact I could have seriously frightened him, ruining Sammy’s safe space. Somehow he was unbothered, he finished his grooming and placed his paw on my chest, as if to say no harm, no foul, then with the usual spaz, he jumped out of my arms and set blazing through the apartment.

He cleaned up the mess and moved on.

A cat.

My cat.

Sammy.