VORTEX

In 1997 my life was working temp clerical for a woman who was verbally abusive. It was the only job I ever walked out of and never looked back.

Glittering, dark vortex...

Swirling,

Metallic cacaphony,

piercing to the heart;

The heart still beating,

offered in exchange

for gold.

No down nor Up,

I am surrounded;

grasping, greedy fingers

Clawing at my soul.

 

09/23/97

 

Reviews

[J. Marc]

I think the title says it all!
The vortex of other people's bad manners coerced upon you. Everybody knows the feeling. It is very well expressed and is truthfully written. It is a good strategy to get away from such people for they are draining your energy since you really do not want to play their game! Excellent!

[Adela Muresan]

Hmm, nice descripion of the torment caused by stress and lack of love ( if I got t right lolz ) .

A.M.

[JanMarie]

The pain is woven well into this piece. How sad it is to have to sell our souls sometimes for a paycheck, but it happens to nearly all of us at times. You have summed up a universal feeling in well-chosen words. Nice job.

[Brenda Sue]

I could feel the despair in this piece. Wonderfully penned. Great job.

[Lee Tran]

Eliminate the ellipses, it's not necessary since you're not trailing off on any word, because 'swirling' is coming up and adds on to it.

"piercing to the heart;

The heart still beating,

offered in exchange"

This part right here irked me. You repeated "the heart" twice, in rapid succession despite the break. I say omit "The heart" in the second line, and just leave it as 'still beating'. Rid the semicolon and move it down to 'beating'

piercing to the heart
still beating;
offered in exchange
for gold.

"Up" doesn't need to be capitalized, and neither does "Clawing". Remember consistency in punctuation and capitalization to maintain form and structure. :) Have a nice night!

[Michael]

Kinda makes me think of what we so often confuse with a little thing called love.

[Cold Coffee Magazine]

Holy smokes...this gave me chills. I felt so lost and helpless. Intense despair. GReat write.
DAVE

[Moonlit-Blues]

Breath-taking! Loved the imagery - flavours the essence of a light poem, constrasted with an uneasiness of dark towards the ending! Smashing piece!