To Catch a Thief

The Masked Avenger narrates his crime story and being tracked by the vehement FBI policewoman Laura Mars.

Here's a crime-story not focusing on the skill or craft of thievery but in the storytelling involved with American crime itself. This was inspired by my love of more classic films about dastardly pirates and romantic thieves who have tragic ends. Thanks for reading (finally signing off), 

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My name's the Masked Avenger. I won't tell you my real name. I'm a real thief. I've been caught. FBI Agent Laura Mars, a real policewoman caught me while I was watching To Catch a Thief in the movie theater. This is the story of my robberies across America leading up to that arrest. I'm an intelligent person but also a thief.

I drove cross-country performing bank robberies in masks and with weapons and tools. I never had to harm anyone. I consider myself a pirate and not a folk-hero. FBI Agent Laura Mars told the press I'm a terrorist. I don't hate capitalism, I just like robbing banks.

I stole $20 million in cash from the California Bank & Trust in the summer, which is when the FBI assigned Laura Mars to my case. She was vehement about this robbery, since it was talked about in national headlines. Mars refused to let me become a folk-hero or celebrity. That's admirable, ironically.

In my opinion, FBI Agent Laura Mars is not only attractive but dangerous. She's the reason we professional thieves and robbers and pirates fear the law. She simply wouldn't quit. She simply wouldn't resign herself to the belief she was tracking a funny Robin Hood. Isn't that tempting? Well, it wasn't a distraction to FBI's Mars who told her superiors and associates she was a dogged policewoman.

I kept robbing banks even after FBI Mars posted her statements in the national media. I considered it a challenge that Laura Mars was chasing the Masked Avenger, and I wanted her to be romanticized in the media if I was going to be deified. This was a funny cop-and-thief story, and it didn't deter my ambition to steal diamonds and cash during my cross-country USA drives.

I robbed over 40 banks across America and landed with spending and keeping and storing and hiding over $90 million cash in various places. I invested about 1/3 of this total amount in NASDAQ. Hey, I want to feel hip and modern too, and I'm not a crazy Dillinger, man. I'm just afraid of FBI Agent Laura Mars.

When I robbed a Boston bank catering to the area's most wealthy residents, I honestly wondered what FBI Mars would think of such a holiday-season stunt, since the robbery came during Thanksgiving. This was funny storytelling, honestly, and I hope these robberies inspired comic book writers. I don't think I, the Masked Avenger, am a terrorist in any way.

I did some background research on FBI Agent Laura Mars and discovered that she'd worked for years undercover in the city, fighting gangs and punks and working as a camouflaged criminal herself. Laura Mars is a real policewoman, which is why this long crime-story is such a painting. When she was younger, Laura Mars, a simple undercover street cop, was a real hellraiser.

Mars tracked me to a Virginia movie theater where I was watching To Catch a Thief while sitting in the seats with one of my signature handkerchief masks on my face. After interrogating me, FBI Mars determined I was indeed the Masked Avenger. She did mysteriously allow me to finish enjoying the re-screening of the classic American film To Catch a Thief.

When I told FBI Mars I purchased a Lamborghini with some of my stolen money and drove it down the coast of California before selling it to purchase more weapons, she was horrified. I knew then she was a classic policewoman, while I was rather a typical new age pirate. I'm a thief and enjoy things thieves enjoy. I think Mars giggled at this privately.

Don't underestimate the weight and complexity of thievery and bank robbery, my friends. Why were Bonnie and Clyde deified robbers during the Great Depression? The cop-and-thief story of the Masked Avenger and FBI Mars is one of democracy...not dialogue. You've been advised.

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"Money is everything" (Ecclesiastes)