I never understood all the fuss about being dumped by a girl until i recently had the pleasure of experiencing it for myself with a person who i really liked.Didn't enjoy it and decided to make this
Previous Version
This is a previous version of Sit her as I think.
You were my cloud 9 and without you I'm falling back to earth Hoping the impact kills me because living just isn't worth
Tell me one day out of the blue You like sombody more than I like you?
Impossible,this has got to all be..... Our feelings ran deep like the roots of a tree
How can you simply end what we had in a single day? I'm an Athiest...but for this pain...I pray....
.....That it leave my life,Take a train and follow the track Or.....that it stay and help remind me that she will never come back
But no,This has nothing to do with a mythical higher power Pain had over-shadowed my logic,It may even devour.....
......The sane parts that are still left in my head Still without you my everything is torn to a shred But not another tear shall I ever shed For the girl whom i thought some day i would Wed
To walk this place with nobody to share The moments in life when i wish you were there Your replacement for me,He cant possibly in any way care About you like I did why couldnt you just spare?....
....Me the humiliation of thinking i coulnd't do better Just tell me what this new guy starts with,What letter? "B" for Better looking?"M" for more money?"S" for stronger? I've gotten over you now,The apple of my eye....you are no longer.
Haha. First of all, the description's quite funny. "I recently had the pleasure of experiencing it..." =))) Second, the bitterness and the sadness that you felt are successfully conveyed through this poem, so great job. Third, I think it was great that even though this was more or less an expression of your emotions, there was still wisdom beneath it. And fourth, just a suggestion, reread this poem and edit some of the lines. There were parts that confused me. It felt like I was talking like Yoda, but not really. :)) Just improve the sentence construction, I guess. They're not really that severe so I think you can do it easily. :) And, lastly, I think you can lessen the number of "...." or even stick with the usual number of dots (which is three). :) I particularly loved the last two lines. I think they'll hit straight to the hearts of a lot of people. Haha. Great job on this one. :P
I really liked your poem and I think it's pretty good.
This is my favourite part:
....That it leave my life,Take a train and follow the track
Or.....that it stay and help remind me that she will never come back
Haha. First of all, the description's quite funny. "I recently had the pleasure of experiencing it..." =))) Second, the bitterness and the sadness that you felt are successfully conveyed through this poem, so great job. Third, I think it was great that even though this was more or less an expression of your emotions, there was still wisdom beneath it. And fourth, just a suggestion, reread this poem and edit some of the lines. There were parts that confused me. It felt like I was talking like Yoda, but not really. :)) Just improve the sentence construction, I guess. They're not really that severe so I think you can do it easily. :) And, lastly, I think you can lessen the number of "...." or even stick with the usual number of dots (which is three). :) I particularly loved the last two lines. I think they'll hit straight to the hearts of a lot of people. Haha. Great job on this one. :P
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