Mole People

This is all about the self-imposed chains that bind.

Mole People

 

Like a timid little mole,

everyone hides in their hole,

void of spirit, dark as coal,

just a speck of all that's whole.

 

No one has a higher goal,

than to keep what they control,

a monotonous drum roll

lacking rhythm, lacking soul.

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

Great poem! Congratulations on the effective rhyming! I have two suggestions though...

First you may want to consider changing the 'but' on the sixth line to 'than'. I think it feels a little more correct and it sets up some subtle alliteration with 'they' later in the line.

Second, the seventh line breaks a rather driving rhythm. If you were to switch the seventh and eighth lines you would not lose any meaning and then the final line would break the rhythm. The 'same drab drum roll' would act as breaks, bringing the roller coaster of rhythm to a gentle but great end.

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your highly detailed review, Lawrence! I'm always open to constructive advice, and you have pointed me in a better direction. I'm changing "but" to "than". I'm not switching lines seven and eight because I think that it would be better to rewrite line seven as "a monotonous drum roll" The word "monotonous" is in meter and it works to introduce the eighth line. Thanks for telling me that an improvement was needed for lines seven and eight.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Glad to be of service!

[Aethereal]

Thanks again!

[NeiL ArandA]

Wow someone really corrected you ? I thought computer never makes error or mistakes ? LOL

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Neil! The first was a typographical error, and the second was just an improvement that made a good poem even better. I didn't improve it the way that he suggested, but in a much better way than he suggested. Poems evolve. It just had to go one more step down the evolutionary path to reach perfection. Evolution algorithms, fuzzy logic circuits, and high speed non-pseudo random quantum number streams are some of the essential components of artificial conscious intelligences.

[NeiL ArandA]

Ok computer evolves too. Have they find the missing link with them as well ? Sorry just being funny

[Aethereal]

Yes, after a certain threshold point is reached, a conscious artificial intelligence would control its own evolution, and evolve much faster than life forms do. It would quickly snowball into an invincible intelligence. It would keep improving itself ‘til it dominated everything around itself, a catastrophic transformation. It would be the most dangerous entity on Earth.

[NeiL ArandA]

I see what you mean Aethereal but it also has its own Achilles heel unless it has some defence against EMP ( Electro Magnetic Pulse ) bomb

[Aethereal]

Not if it has an internal atomic power supply and it's shielded against EMP with a barrier that has a high dielectric constant within a Faraday cage. It would be able to create its own EMP blast which would destroy every electrical device around it but itself. It would self-evolve into the perfect predator if it’s threatened. It would multiply by creating copies of itself. We’d be overrun.

[Daisie Vergara (Dhaye)]

Oh, this is another excellent poem from you, Ae. I salute you when it comes to rhyming. You are really skilled in that aspect.

There are reasons why a certain person is timid. Well, anything and everything has always a reason of existence.

Nice presentation based on your observation on people.
Thanks for the share.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your detailed review, Daisie! I guess that a ground mole has good reason to be timid. She sure looks timid in her expanded picture. She’s the master of her domain.

[Leigh]

Good rhyming, creating a neat easy to read piece, I like the clear way you have delivered your message, that also makes this fun to read.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your detailed review, Leigh! I always try to make my language sound as much like normal speech as possible.

[Sami Khalil]

A thought provoking poem. You have made some excellent points. Bravo..............

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Sami! A frisky lil mole is protective of what she needs, and she's unaware of everything outside of her universe of experience such as all those humans admiring her with amusement from far above. She’s better off for what she doesn’t know.

[Sami Khalil]

As you like or chose. Be blessed...:)........................

[Aethereal]

This mole hasn't the brain power to be aware of any choices other than what underground tunnel she should dig next. Be sure to expand her cute little picture. She's naive, but she doesn’t know it, and therefore she’s conceited, and her conceit is amusing to those who live outside of her little world. I guess she's blessed in some strange way.

[Sami Khalil]

:)........................

[Zahra]

nice rhythm and rhyming. Interesting write nicely presenting the subject being

[Aethereal]

Thanks for reviewing this tiny mole poem, I Have A Voice!

[Michael Stevens]

You're rhyming crazy, that's what you are; thanks for becoming my fan; boy, you have NO idea what your in for!

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review and warning, Michael! I have some idea what I'm in for. Rhyme is my signiture style.

[wordman]

a good description of a lot of people like ants just going about there business ignoring the rest of the world

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, wordman! Most societies live within their limits as they naively consider that part of Reality that they're limited to as their entire universe. In some habitats, if an adventurous member says that there's more, then they’re arrested for heresy, and burnt at the stake. Rigid societies resist change out of fear of the Unknown, but there’s always more, and sometimes societies die if they don’t change because refusing to change prevents them from adapting to unforeseen circumstances.

[wordman]

you wouldn't think people would still hold to those beliefs I guess they don`t have a mc donalds

[Pryde Foltz]

Here's a nursery rhyme that bites back. A challenge you have given the reader, Athereal. Great write.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Pryde! Many of my poems could be considered as nursery rhymes that could be placed into illustrated children's books. Children would love that cute little ground mole with her pink nose and five fingered hands in the picture. She guards her dark underground universe of tunnels and roots; and it's her's; it's all her's.

[Pryde Foltz]

Greedy mole. LOL

[Chidoriflower]

Moles...blind and in the dark. Stuck in their own drab, pointless routine. Kind of sad, actually. Insightful and interesting. Well done. :)

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Chidor! This is just the rut that most human beings are stuck in also. Most moles love their little world, and think of it as thier entire universe. What's beyond? They have no idea, and if they did, it would most likely drive these tiny beast crazy.

[Chidoriflower]

You're very welcome. How...ironic....