Mole People

This is all about the self-imposed chains that bind.

Mole People

 

Like a timid little mole,

everyone hides in their hole,

void of spirit, dark as coal,

just a speck of all that's whole.

 

No one has a higher goal,

than to keep what they control,

a monotonous drum roll

lacking rhythm, lacking soul.

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

Great poem! Congratulations on the effective rhyming! I have two suggestions though...

First you may want to consider changing the 'but' on the sixth line to 'than'. I think it feels a little more correct and it sets up some subtle alliteration with 'they' later in the line.

Second, the seventh line breaks a rather driving rhythm. If you were to switch the seventh and eighth lines you would not lose any meaning and then the final line would break the rhythm. The 'same drab drum roll' would act as breaks, bringing the roller coaster of rhythm to a gentle but great end.

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your highly detailed review, Lawrence! I'm always open to constructive advice, and you have pointed me in a better direction. I'm changing "but" to "than". I'm not switching lines seven and eight because I think that it would be better to rewrite line seven as "a monotonous drum roll" The word "monotonous" is in meter and it works to introduce the eighth line. Thanks for telling me that an improvement was needed for lines seven and eight.

[LawrenceRaybon]

Glad to be of service!

[Aethereal]

Thanks again!

[icelandicblue]

Ah, you can run but you can't hide...forever. Nicely done as always Athereal.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Icelandicblue! And the mole in this poem's expanded picture is such a cute little mole ( almost human like ) that she should not be in hiding all the time.

[Cory Barrett]

Great movement throughout the piece. Really makes me want to not be a mole person. Thank you for your writing.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your review, Streamline! Ah, but those moles are so cute. Expand the picture and you'll see. Some of 'em look like persons.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

apathy procures a life of mediocrity...

we need to not be timid, but to go for it...this poem reminds me a bit of the Robert Francis poem "Hound"

being too afraid of life to move forward...content just to wait.

nicely done.

[Aethereal]

Thanks for your detailed review, jacob! Yes, but we really have no choice but to be what we are: a speck of the Whole of Reality. We have our limitations. Problems occur in society when we erroneously believe that our hole is the Whole of Reality, and then we start burning at the stake all those humble moles who say otherwise, who say that we really know next to nothing about the true Nature of Reality. Some moles are aware that they’re in a hole, and others think they’re in a paradise.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

we are a part of something, i agree...but as Ophelia said in Hamlet..."we know what we are, but not what we may be."

but like you said for some Reality is what it is...and i hate seeing humble moles burnt at the stake.

[Aethereal]

Just speaking for myself, I'm not aware of the total extent of reality, nor do I wish to make something up within my imagination that I make believe to be the total extent of reality, and then force it onto others through a threat of violence. My ego just isn't that big. I'm also not into violence and torture, but this is the history of crazy humanity.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

yes, it sure is crazy isn't it?