Beautiful Poem

(featured in Timeless Voices by Howard Ely)

When I was alive I used to be like you
today I am the Brain inside your skull
thoughtfully bonded with you and carefully determined

I imagined we would never cease
that our anatomic union would always burn a flame
and our new day would come
before any external commission of
existential self-respect

That new day never came and it seems
you have bridged your self-respect
to someone else and not me

Now I am still here very much alive in your head
always available for you
paradox as your head voice

Since I left I notice that you are happier
now autonomously whole
but I know that you will always be
the person I knew in this life
in my existence
where there is a fine line between autonomy and calypso
Copyright 2007 All Rights Reserved
 

Reviews

[JoshuaSpeaking]

I know that you were on a border where you didn't want to cross into cliche so you trying using analogies and words that are not normally associated with this sort of topic. In some places I think that you did this well, but in others I thought there was still something lacking, especially in the end. I think that it definitely needs to be strengthened at the end.

[Catrinka]

Very nicely done! This piece makes a thought-provoking statement - Good rhythm and flow. You have an interesting way with words..I agree with the last comment though about calypso, leaves a question in my mind as to what you mean?

[J. Marc]

Indeed beautiful !

The rhythm is very sustained and uninterrupted all throughout. I like the overall peacefulness that the words give in this poem.

The topic is also very original! I like the expectation for the other and the calm and yet determined resignation without any remorse or resentment for the other when the much sought for union did never took place. Even if we are talking about mind and body. The only thing I did not get is the term calypso at the end. What does it refer to?

So, quite a talent here for such a young writer! Welcome to this forum and lots of luck here!
Good work!