Different Hearts

This is a short story of humans and Myths hope you enjoy it. I'm hoping making it in to a series of stories but I would like some comments about it first.

Chapter 1: Koa

I am walking the depths of Mellow Lands which is now abandoned. It used to be a poplar forest walk for people of all ages. Until one day, someone mysteriously died horribly in the forest. That made me think of the Myth of Solfow which is about a creature who lurks in forests and takes people away andthen kills them. Some people think that Solfow lives in the Mellow Lands because of the recent deaths here and details of those deaths are quite horrific. I came here because I wanted to rebut the belief of Solfow so now I am just walk through the thick wood landscape with my go pro that is recording me while I walk. It's very quiet right now and a lot of the trees are filled with deep marking that indicates danger. Then suddenly I heard a camera click very far away in the distance and begun walking slowly; my heat thumping loudly in my chest as I crept closer toward the sound of the click.I saw something that was hammered into a trunk of a tree ahead of me. I moved cautiously closer toward it; what I saw was a monochrome picture of me walking in the forest and it had red writing over the picture that stated “I am coming after you”. I stared at it for a while in shock before I continued onward. I was determined to prove that Solfow didn’t exist. Whoever took the picture of me and try and scare me away wasn’t going to scare me at all.

After a while I heard a creepy voice from behind me,

“I told you, you should of have run away human”, It said.

I turn around slowly and meet with its eyes I was scared out my mind that I couldn’t even move.  I panned the figure’s contour which was shape like a human male. His torso was black like ash and he a ripped t-shirt shirt over it and his arms were black as well, they looked like they were twisted and broken as well.  His legs were too black and look quite like his arms and wore ripped up shorts. His face was to black but his eyes were a dark violet.

“Well it’s time that you die now,” He said cruelly, with an evil smirk. Then he took out a knife that was still in its leathered scabbard. He grabbed the scabbard and violently unsheathed the knife from its scabbard. Out of nowhere another figure showed up and he had a sword out in a defence stand.

“I will not accept your malice actions toward humans, Vix”, He said domineeringly.

“Wait a crown; you are our new king aren’t you? I remember Mix telling me that a guy named Leon is our new king, that’s you?”  Vix said softly.

“Your correct, Now you ether stand down or I’ll arrest you myself”, Leon said coolly. Raising his sword higher getting ready for a fight…   

 To be continued.

Author's Note

Please comment down below of what you think and if you would like this turned into a series. I hope if this is turn into a series that this will turn into a romance series so will you please comment down below.

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, this will sting, but you did ask, so…

• As I walk in the depths of the woods of Mellow LANDS which is an abandoned forest park LAND. The park LAND used to be a poplar PARK land for families and thrill seekers.

1. The first problem is using the same word over, when it’s not necessary. Did you even edit before posting?


2. The first line is unfinished. “As I,” says something is happening “at the same time as,” in THAT sentence.

3. What kind of “thrills” does one get in a park popular with families? Parks are known for peaceful surroundings. It might be that you’re referring to something like the large national or even state parks. But the average reader, when someone says, "Let’s go to the park," thinks of a local bit of greenery, like Philadelphia’s Fairmount Park, or NYC’s Central Park. That's why scene setting counts

4. As presented, this isn’t a story, it’s a transcription of you, personally telling about it, aloud. The only one on stage is you, talking to the reader in a voice that no one but you can hear. All the emotion you would put into the reading? The reader can’t either hear it or know you want it there. Have your computer read this to you, to hear how unlike what you want the reader to hear the words are.

5. You’re explaining and reporting, and doing it in generalities. “Some people,” could mean 3 or 30, 3% or 10%.

And think as a reader: Do we care what other people think, or do we want to live the story as-it-happens and decide for ourselves?

It’s not a matter of how well you write or your talent for writing that’s the problem. It’s that the word “fiction” in the profession, Fiction-Writing does NOT refer to the skill we learned in school, called writing. Those are 100% nonfiction-writing skills. They’re meant to to be used on the job for reports and essays. Professions—and fiction-writing is a profession, are acquired IN ADDITION to our schooldays skills. And while nonfiction provides an informational experience, fiction readers seek an emotional experience that seems to be happening to them as-they-read.

So if your goal is to write stories—and it’s one I applaud—you have no choice but to acquire those skills and techniques. And given that it’s a profession, it’s NOT either quick or easy. No profession is.

On the other hand, if you’re meant to write the learning will be like going backstage at the theater for the first time. And the practice will be writing stories. So what’s not to like?

So hit the local library’s fiction-writing section. It’s a gold mine. And while you’re there, look for the names, Jack Bickham, Dwight Swain, or Debra Dixon. They’re the best.

Want a sampling of the differences between the kind of writing you were given and fiction-writing? Take a look at a few of the articles in my WordPress writing blog, linked to, below.

I truly wish there were an easier way to break such news, but…well, I’ve found none, and you did ask.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/