Secretly Desperate

Life isn't easy to begin with, but when you have mental illnesses, things feel even harder.

Everything felt perfect,

depression left no effect,

But it came back stronger than ever,

My mind once again became as distorted as bad weather.

Kill yourself it says

Stop eating it says

Stop fighting me it says

Don't gain weight or you'll feel fat it says.

Why do I have to feel this way?

Why do I have to be the one to obey?

Should I listen to what it orders?

I know I shouldn't but it's not easy dealing with two mental disorders.

Why don't you look like all the other skinny girls?

When will you give in to me and cut yourself with razors?

Why do you try to do things that make you glad?

The fact that you think you can run from me makes me laugh.

My mind has become a demon that I can't run from,

It makes me feel so sad that I feel like I'm an emotional bomb,

I keep everything hidden so no one knows.

I've become such an actress, that I feel like my life is a compilation of shows.

Stop trying to be so optimistic.

Why do you have to be so cryptic?

I'm part of you now so deal with it.

I'm more powerful than you which is why on a throne I sit.

Who invited you into my life?

Why do you want me to dangerously use a knife?

I know better than to listen to you,

But you sound so tempting that I don't know who to listen to.

Just die already no one will care.

I hope I'm the reason why you're always too afraid to share.

You're pathetic and weak like a bug.

You're so easy to control that I turned your mind into a slug.

I tell myself that things will get better.

But depression and anxiety aren't illnesses that can go away if you're wrapped up in a sweater.

I feel so sad everyday.

But until I'm ready to open up and share, I'll just pretend that everyday I feel okay.

Reviews

[wordman]

it would be great if there was a quick fix,but only you can change things
tell that demon good bye

[Onlyme]

A wonderful insightful poem about mental health issues. I also suffer from depression. And relate deeply to all you said. Well expressed, wrote and felt. And for sharing your honesty and how you really feel with us all. Took guts. Proud of you. Amy.