The Day I Attempted Suicide

A Poem by Anaya

jan-11-2020

Standing in the shower

Three pill bottles in my hand
Feeling this slight euphoric darkness
Because in the moment
I thought that this moment would be the end.
Before I get too deep
Let me tell you how this moment begins.
I was sitting outside
Asking dear god
For a sign
Just one small reason
Verifying my need to be alive.
The wind rustled some leaves
I watched my brother
Wave at me over from the swings.
You would have thought that
He was enough
But pain makes you forget
The obvious stuff.
Back to where I was
Water streaming down my face
It and the pills
were my only company
in that small reserved space.
I swallowed the pills
Three by three
Maybe four by four
It doesn’t matter
Because I know I took many many more.
I went to my bed
Happy because I would soon
Not be alive.
Then I fell asleep
And woke up in a dazed sort of blink
Barely breathing, shocked,
Caught off guard, by surprise.
Tears form in my bloodshot eyes.
I feel quite cold
Maybe i’m a ghost
A figment of my long lost soul.
I know this is false
When I hear my mom talking
From the other side of the door.
I check my phone
5 am, 10 missed text
From the person I told about
My beginning to my end.
I no longer believe in god
Why would he make me
go through this cycle again.

© 2021 Anaya

Author's Note

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Reviews

ev vileville

Thought provoking and heart felt. Strength lies within. You exude your emotions well.

Posted 2 Years Ago

dratsab

I definitely don't believe in god with all of the chaos that life entails, but it's like I said in a recent poem about how everything is so perfectly awful it's almost like a god that hates us all must exist, or why would things be so designedly terrible. I wanted to drown myself in a bath back in October, but knew I couldn't do it. Have wondered what it would be like to overdose on blissful drugs... would it be painful or would it be a pleasant end.