Thinking of suicide?

Thinking of suicide?

A Story by Andrew (MJ) Nugteren
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If we stand this wont happen

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Thinking of suicide? You’re sitting in your room ~door locked~ with a pen in your hand and a blank piece of paper in front of you. Your hand is shaking, and the tears begin again - for the third time in the past hour. ‘To my family’ you write at the top of the page, but decide it’s a bad way to begin your letter ~ your suicide letter. You try again, start over ~ again and again, but you don’t k n ow where to begin. No one understands you; no one knows what you’re going through, you’re alone or at least that’s what you think. Nobody would care if you’re alive or not, you mean nothing to nobody.

It’s night, and you slip into bed. ’Goodbye’ you whisper into the darkness. And with that, you take your last breathe and end it all.

No body cares, right? Well you thought wrong. It’s a Tuesday the following morning, and when it’s 7:21, your mother comes and knocks on your door. She doesn't know you can’t hear her she doesn't know you’re gone. She knocks a few more times, calling your name to open up. When there is no reply from your side of the door, she opens it and screams. She collapses on the ground while your dad rushes to your room. Your siblings have already left for school. Your very weak mother collects all the energy she’s got which is close to nothing to walk over to your bed. She leans over your dead body, crying, squeezing your hand, screaming. Your dad is trying to stay strong, but the tears escape his eyes; calling 000 or 911 with his left hand while his other one is on your mother’s back. Your mother blames herself. All those times she had said ‘no’ to you, all those times she had screamed at you, and sent you to your room over something stupid. Your father will blame himself for not being there for you when you asked for help, for being away from home at work for long. Nobody cares, right?

8:34. There’s a knock on your classroom door it’s the school principle. She looks more worried than ever. She calls the teacher to the side; all the students worried: what’s going on? The principle then later announces about your suicide. The popular girl that always called you fat and ugly is now blaming herself. The kid that would always copy your homework but treat you like crap ~ he’s blaming himself. The boy that sits behind you ~ the one that always threw things at you during class ~ he’s blaming himself too. The teacher is blaming herself - for all those times she’d scream at you for forgetting your homework, or not listening in class. People are crying, screaming, shocked, in regret of what they did. They’ll all be devastated - even the kids you've never talked to before. Still nobody cares about you, right?

Your siblings get home. Your mother has to tell them that you’re gone; forever. Your little sister ~ no matter how many times she’s screamed at you, told you she hated you and stole your stuff ~ always loved you, and saw you as her hero; her role model. She now starts to blame herself; why didn't I do what she told me to do when she told me to? Why did I take her stuff even when she asked me not to? This is all my fault. Your brother gets home ~ the boy that never cries. He’s now in his room; mad at himself ~ he caused your death. All those times he’d played pranks on you. He’s punching holes in his wall, turning over things; he doesn't know how to deal with the fact that you’re gone. Forever. Nobody cares about you, right? Right?

It has been over a month. The door to your room has been closed all this time. Everything is different now. Your brother has to be sent to anger management classes, your little sister cries everyday still waiting for you to come back. Everyday she waits for you to come back home. The popular girls have now turned anorexic. They don’t know how to deal with the pain that they’re feeling. Your father has depression; your mother hasn't slept for nights it’s all her fault. She’s been crying and screaming every night wishing for you to come back. The boy who would always bother you dropped out of school. The boy that copied your homework now cuts. But nobody cares about you, aren't I right?

Your mother finally decides to go clean out your room. But she can’t do it. She’s locked herself in your room for two days to try to clean up your clothes, your things. But she can’t she can’t say goodbye to you, not yet, not now. Never.

It’s your funeral. It’s a big one ~ everybody comes. No one knows what to say. The beautiful girl with the big smile is gone; you’re somewhere else. No one knows what to say, they’re all still shocked. Everyone cries, everyone misses you. They all wish you’d come back but you don’t, and you won’t.

Still think nobody cares about you? Think again. Even if people don’t show it, they care about you, they love you. If you kill yourself today or any other day you won’t know just how much you meant to people. If you kill yourself today, it stops your pain, but it pains all the ones who know you for the rest of their life. Suicide is the easy way out - but it’s the wrong choice. Life is beautiful. Yes, it does have its ups and downs everyone has their bad days. Sometimes people go through tough times in their lives like you’re probably going through now but bad times come and go. You might not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s there. No matter how hard life gets, never give up on yourself, or on your life.

Take a minute now, and think. If you killed yourself ~ how would the people that love you feel/go through? Can’t think of anything? Well I’ll tell you: tears, tears, and more tears. Devastation. Guilt. Pain. Broken. Regret. Miserable.

If after reading this you still feel suicidal, there are people that can help you. I’m here for you whenever you need me, and I’ll be more than happy to listen to you and try to help you feel better. There are teachers, parents, grandparents, neighbours, adults, counsellors ~ They’re all there for you whenever you need them and same goes with me Justin Preston.

I hope this changed anyone's life.

© 2013 Andrew (MJ) Nugteren


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Featured Review

Thank you for posting this. This is a very powerful write & very important for 'everyone' to read. It is very well written; touching, emotional, dramatic & heartbreaking- yet so full of meaning. Suicide is 'NEVER' the answer. I've lost people & I've seen families destroyed because of it. Thank you again, for sharing your incredible writing talent & this profound, informative piece.

Posted 6 Years Ago


3 of 3 people found this review constructive.

Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

thank you :)



Reviews

Another one... oh boy...

I've been trying to hold it back... You guys need to diversify or become more abstract this is just contrived. It all reads like the same article in a self help journal.

Please find a more creative way to deliver this topic or I will friggin kill myself... i'll do it...

i'm holding you hostage with my emotions.... don't blink, just do what I say.


STOP WRITING ABOUT EMO A*S HAT BULL S**T!!! please?

(also, it's riddled with errors,.... some are even pointed out in the comments... at least be sound in your failure) You get a D-




Posted 3 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

3 Years Ago

Well I put it the way I wanted to put it. If it get's people attention then it works.
Dave

3 Years Ago

The attention it gets is also why most won't finish reading it.... initial reactions of "more of th.. read more
I really enjoyed this. I have also lost friends to suicide and I have had people admit to me that they were thinking of suicide at some point in their lives but you are right in saying that it is usually the family and the people you leave behind that suffer the most and even though this is a hard topic for anyone to talk about I think you did a good job. I think a lot of people can relate to this story and get something out of it.

Posted 3 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

3 Years Ago

That's why I put it up. I think of suicide but then think I'm happy with the people I have now.
As someone, who attempted suicide, many times, I can tell you, suicide isn't, the first answer, a person will make, to communicate their deep pain and suffering, especially, when it's love ones, who are causing it, through abuse, like I have experienced, growing up. Being told, by society, to suck it and be a "man" about it, as they don't want to admit such hatred, does exist, on their doorsteps.

And when, you are preparing, for the final act, those helplines don't help, unless you lose your focus, on the matter, at hand. As Relic has mentioned, you have become tunnel-visioned, on the final act. Unlike popular mythology, most suicidals don't leave any note, behind, for those, who discovered the body.

Even with, these support system around us, people will fall, through the cracks, despite, the best intention of people. Especially, in a system, which make you feel like, you have committed a crime, for being LGBT+.

In spite of this, I do hope, those, who are only thinking of suicide, do seek out help, to help end the pain. Myself, I had to cut off, my entire family, to begin, my own healing. One could say, a form of suicide, in itself.


Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

4 Years Ago

Well said and I agree
I once wrote one on the subject and got some good reviews here at WC. When I tried posting it on another site I was told I was being "preachy." Some people would argue that you didn't consider the medications some counselors get them involved in or the fact that most suicide victims can only think of the act itself when they are doing it to the exclusion of everyone and everything around them. Almost like tunnel-vision.
So although it goes much deeper than just thinking about what you've mentioned, I applaud you for the effort. It''s odd that you posted this because I was thinking about the one I wrote many years ago just yesterday.

Posted 4 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

4 Years Ago

well what a quinkidink
 Relic

4 Years Ago

..........haha.
Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

4 Years Ago

lololololz
Thought provoking and deep. I am dealing with a service member who is suicidal. I appreciate your message in this. Thank you.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

no problem and thank you
Dell Philby told me to look at this. I still feel suicidal--yes I am suicidal, even IF I'm only twelve. There's no point in help if you can't allow yourself to take it. This is a good write, but it kills me to read it--seeing as though I've heard stories like this many times. It's beautiful. Really.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

thank you :)
Savior of Time

6 Years Ago

You're welcome.
Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

:)
Touching, and beautifully done. It's something that needs to be said, and it's something that a lot of people need help with.

Great job, and thanks for writing this.

Lee & Abby

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

no problem Lee :)
Abby

6 Years Ago

Keep up the good work, and I'll try to make sure to go through your work since I'm off of base for a.. read more
Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

kk :)

MJ
Thank you thank you soo much for posting this, I have been suicidal in the past. Reading this gave me straight chills. It brought tears to my eyes just thinking about what my family may possibly go through if I were to ever do something like that. This was so beautifully written. Again thank you so much for writting this.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

no problem
needs some editing but good expression and content

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

thanks :)
Not bad. I think you get the message across fairly well, but the ending is a little underwhelming and some of your language choice is a little stilted and odd, but this is still a good effort. Well done.

Posted 6 Years Ago


Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

6 Years Ago

thank you :)

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Added on March 22, 2013
Last Updated on March 22, 2013

Author

Andrew (MJ) Nugteren
Andrew (MJ) Nugteren

Crystal Beach, CA



About
Hey,I'm Andrew Nugteren (People Call me Michael Jackson)! I'm 18 years old! I like to read Fan fiction books and I like writing poems. I enjoy comic books, and hanging out with my friends. I have a do.. more..

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