Bar Talk

 

Smoke filled rooms and smiles,

faces gleaming, chattering, drinks

spilling and filling, emptying

 

and me, the ever respectful listener

soaking up the elaborate stories

of those who wish to give away

 

secrets falling from lips that sing

of times when life dealt a winning hand,

or a losing one, and I am finding

within myself the space to store

 

these tiny treasures, fascinations

incantations of lives lived, loves loved,

departures sweeter now than when they occurred

 

as time does seem to heal old wounds,

with the help of some ale, or perhaps a Gin and Tonic,

and tears soon become laughter while I sit quietly,

 

breathing in the music, taking down my notes,

filing away the memories shared, and

respectfully declining the telling of my own. 

Reviews

[Don Coorough]

This is an interesting write. "secrets falling from lips that sing," nicely put together line! Another phrase that kills, "departures sweeter now." Here's a great section, "Smoke filled rooms and smiles, faces gleaming, chattering, drinks spilling and filling, emptying." The phrase I like best is, "these tiny treasures, fascinations incantations." [I think you need a comma between fascinations and incantations.]

Some awkward phrases for my taste: "when they occurred" (too prosey), "winning hand, or a losing one" (been done before), "time does seem to heal old wounds" (been done even more than the winning and losing hands). I think if you change these few lines, get your own images, similes, metaphors, create from your deep brilliance, which you so often show, that you can make this poem better than it is.

Don't get me wrong, it's a very nice poem, with a story that should be told, and from a perspective that needs to be heard. I think maybe you settled for the poem being completed too quickly, is all. I usually work on my poems for days, sometimes a week or week and a half before I feel they might be ready to be read. I think you must often do the same, because so much of your poetry which I have read are beautiful jewels. This one is a diamond, fresh out of the mine. But, with some of your special treatment, your unique craftsmanship, you can hew it and polish it into a Hope Diamond.

I'd like to challenge you to try something with this piece. Write two more poems from this one with the same story line but from two different points of view: one from a bartender's or cocktail waitress' point of view, and one from the POV of one of the guys, preferably one of the men with whom the woman is chatting. Two reasons for this challenge: one to see how you write when not in the first person, and two to see how the writer's perspective changes on this whole subject when the writer is not writing from the point of view of the woman in the piece.

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lol. "with the help of some ale, or perhaps a Gin and Tonic," =) whatever were you thinking of? lol.

I don't know if it's just me, but this poem seems to be about loneliness, something about the way the narrator is listening to others, and their lives and loves and past, yet the narrator doesn't tell her own, perhaps there is no one there to listen? Or maybe the narrator is just smarter than the others. lol. Then again, it could be that the narrator is just talking about where she likes to go to get material for a story or poem...

I think the open-endness of this poem is the best part of it. It gives the reader a small liberty to make up his own mind. And of course the words themselves, and the intricate way with which you weave poetry astounds me still.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

One thing I always love about going to a bar is not only to relax and have a good time but ou can meet interesting people and share a few stories knowing you'll never see them again, I love the realness of this piece.

[bob, small b. aka invs]

loved this one. i like the fact that you recognise that there are so many stories to hear. i like the fact that you become the listener and recorder of those stories. and i think, in choosing that role, you deflect the telling of your own.

this is very well written. very visual. anyone who's spent any time in a bar can relate to it and see it unfold at any bar or pub anywhere in the world. nicely done.

[Deborah Leah Krempa]

A wonderful write. Thank you for sharing. Debileah

[bluessadmood]

yes what a wonderful thought you bring her,the bar ,the old place ,we go when we feel down and low,and we sit to sing our lives ,how we were dealt some heavy blows,or might have thought we sometimes escaped her blows and came out safe silly as we are thinking we came victorious ,for ale will change everything sadness to being quite happy ,fools and losers drink will then make us think we are the winners all the way ,i call these places ,the place where you sell dreams for those fools who want to buy,for when we are awake everything is back and we are losers again,i liked the last line respectfully declining to telling of my own,just great ,i loved it