Buzzkill

Buzzkill

by Aramis360

In my living room, against the back wall, a 55" LCD Television sits atop a three-tiered glass stand. Beneath it, my Playstation3 unit, cable box, and sub-woofer, which hasn't been used in over half a decade, all lie quietly and perfectly placed. What this television, however, has become in actuality, is a leering black rectangular antiquity that, even though is rarely ever used, still has some sort of personality and place in our home. I refuse to get rid of it, though I am the primary reason why it is never turned on. 

Not long ago I wrestled with the idea of going "TV-less", or cutting-edge living that only the most brave and pretentious and wretched would dare. But, in the midst of consideration, I found myself fighting against inner demons that wouldn't let me so easily cut the cord. There were too many channels that I deemed were, in essence, "good for me", such as The Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, The Travel Channel, and, for social purposes, ESPN. Hell, even The Food Network had its claws deep in my psyche, possibly as the result of watching too much Martin Yan, Julia Childs, and Great Chefs on PBS growing up. Which reminds me, this Foodie Boom has gone too far, and has become its own hip cultural thing that makes me feel ill inside. It has become far too typical, I say, to see the energetic bundle of a clean-cut, middle aged, bearded, tattooed "rebel chef" that spends too much time explaining the meanings behind his dishes, and has become more obsessed with his hair-do and pant-cuffs than with his garnishes. When will these prototypes realize that all of this hipster flamboyance makes them have the appearance of trying-too-hard and thus makes people uncomfortable? The food, young lad, is supposed to speak for itself. You, dear foodie zealot, are not supposed to be my friend, but be back, way back, in the kitchen slaving away over a hot pan, knocking out order after back-breaking order, to the sweet thumpings of Tehano music, screaming chefs, and sizzling meats. But, in the age of endless Selfies, Thumb-Ups, and Video Clips, everyone, including the person cooking your food, wants to be a star. 

Bringing my newborn son home from the hospital marked the slow demise of our television set. Within the first few days of him arriving, I had soon realized that the act of watching television was the equal act of not watching my son, spending time, nor interacting with him. This discovery hit me hard, and was an abrupt realization that watching television had such unrestricted power to draw you away from, and dilute your feelings towards, what many would consider, natural, earthly phenomena. Off it went, and I haven't felt remorse since. 

After about one week without television I had realized that TV was, in fact, a tremendous inconvenience in my life. Not only had it been robbing me of my very own precious time, but had filled my household with continuous, awful noise. Keeping it off had greatly diminished that repetitive audible, commercial vomit. Also, I couldn't imagine exposing my child to such pointless, prosaic garbage. Its all noise, visual, and audible alike. 

Growing up, television was the center of our home. It was always on. We did our homework in front of it, played games in front of it, and got spanked in front of it. We ate in front of it, slept in front of it, and spent the holidays in front of it. And when we were finally able to afford cable there was no turning our backs on it. We were hooked. Over one-hundred channels and the ability to switch from two preferred channels via the "Previous" button on the remote control? How could our prepubescent minds resist? It wouldn't be until the access of the internet, and more specifically, and shamefully, in my case, online chatrooms, would there ever be any competitive force against our television sets.

There was once a time when televisions used to turn themselves off. Sometime between the hours of 2am and 5am, if left alone, the television screen would just go into a snowy fuzz, a screen of a million dots all colliding with each other to the sound of a ceaseless, crashing buzz. Or, depending on which channel you were on, during this time of televisional purgatory, a group of vertical colors would line up the screen, and an endless whistle of an eerie nature would penetrate your room, along with your resting, fatigued subconscious. 

Today, the average American spends between five and six hours a day watching television, although I would bet that the television is, in fact, turned on as soon as one arrives home, and is turned off only when said person is headed for bed. Or, like most people I would assume, the television is never turned off through the night, but only while they are away, and maybe even not that! That is a lot of time in front of the tube. (Author's note: They aren't technically tubes anymore, but the word still sounds better and is better analogous, as tubes are often sucking mechanisms found in laboratories and physician's offices.) Yet, we often don't consider this as wasted time, but rather, leisure time, and one must have the liberty of requiescence, wouldn't you say?

Indeed, I would. But not in the form of five to six hours a day, and I know that once locked in a perpetual television drama, episode after episode, it is nearly impossible to tear yourself away from it. In fact, it would be safe to assume that in the midst of such mental and physical sloth, the average television consumer would further lie down and curl up in a fetal ball, tucked away from all the outside world, and, if not for the contradicting influence of social norms, would proceed to pacify oneself by method of thumb-sucking. 

I would like to know, furthermore, how many adult Americans still continue to suck their thumbs. I would bet a testicle a figure close to 15-20%. The other 20-30% who would have fallen into this category have thus graduated to pacification methods such as cigarette smoking or binge eating. (Author's note: I have no squabble with cigarette smokers and don't believe they all smoke to pacify. I, in fact, smoked for quite some time, and never did to pacify, but to enjoy the flavor, solitude, and introspectiveness of said act. But, it is true, that many smokers have just replaced the pacifier for the cigarette, or, in concession, n****e-pacifier-thumb-cigarette.)

Binkies and squares aside, like Pop-fiction, the purpose of television is to bring the viewer from point A to point B in the most elementary, and effortless way. It is designed to tune you out. It is the closest thing we have to the Matrixian Head-Jack data probe shoved directly into your brain stem in order for you to download information without effort, or say-so, for that matter. Yet, unlike our good friend and hero Neo, this information is not the learning of Kung-Fu. It is the downloading of a false reality. A selling of, and conditioning to, an alternate world. 

Characters portrayed on the television screen are the exaggerations of ourselves for entertainment purposes. They are caricatures and cartoons. However, especially in reality tv, we are led to believe that this is reality, and, in subtle shapes and forms, begin to emulate the characters we see, who are, in fact, exaggerated emulations of ourselves. Therefore, our reality becomes exaggerated, and leads to large sums of people acting in a total fictional, empty, and self-absorbed manner. 

Let me now step down from my soapbox and issue an apology. It has been a long held believe of mine that life, itself, is very much like serving a life sentence in a prison, ie. we are all just equally seeking diversion to help pass the freaking time. And a valuable asset in this fight, within prisons and out, television serves such a role of this nature. Therefore, I understand its aura and draw. Yet, since the great silencing of my own tv, I have brought in a peacefulness and tranquility that is thick, and has sweetened the air. Why would I want to disturb this peace? So that I can follow more, and become the expert of all going-ons in the fictional world of Game Of Thrones? (Author's note: Yes, what was said about GOT was said. I cannot go back now. I now gracefully insert my head and neck through thy noose and, with dignity and self-content, await the sudden, jolting release of ground, the feeling of quick descent, and the snapping sound that will mark my entrance into the great, eternal nothingness...)

Reviews

[Confuser]

So far it's very good Aramis360...Wants to be a star; somewhere before that or even there, I thought of a line, like makes me or people imagine barfing their decedent dishes upon their, bleached blonde hair, jazzy loafer, whatever. (Just read vomit....oh well), now I'm at tubes (thought of the poor guy that invented the TV, only to have it stolen away, by RCA, CEO...sad, greed won)Kung Fu: taken from Bruce Lee; wouldn't put an Asian on TV-his idea stolen too; after manner, elaborate more after manner...who care's if Beverly Hills Housewife broke a nail (stupid TV) Very good>>>>Okay your review: Loved the informal style, your point of view, the content is great; hope you can get beyond my notes above; sorry, (would read & go back as you see;) The concept is very well defined: The only thing I can suggest would be some human at a couple of points, maybe a little stronger in that area, I was waiting for Walt Disney (every sunday); It an excellent story and I loved it. I am so thankful you asked me to read it. Great work....Dale

[aramis360]

Very exciting and eclectic view of this essay. Thank you. Great points noted. I will incorporate more your advice into my future essays. I hope to have you review my work further on. It is a great pleasure to read your words.

[Confuser]

Thank you Aramis360; Sometimes I read awhile, comment and go back up; next time, I'll try to make it clearer, but don't doubt for one second, it's not great as it is. Very good writing. You are so talented!!!

[John Pollock]

Well-spoken, although I must say, I am a pretty big Game of Thrones fan. Never apologize for your opinions, unless they are dangerous or oblivious. Smokers are fine and tubes are great. This would still get published in a magazine either way, I'd imagine. Maybe I'll take on this challenge myself.

[aramis360]

Many people have encouraged me to watch Game of Thrones, oftentimes after huge gasps upon hearing that I haven't watched a single episode. I'm sure it's awesome, no questions about it. Admittedly, I threw that in there, specifically, just to cause a rift. Essentially, in one way or another, I'm sure we are all missing out on something great happening in some form, somewhere.

Thanks for your review, and for the kind words. By the way, I agree, smokers are fine, and some of the best conversations I've had were in the midst of heavy smoking indoors at early hours. I miss that luxury, in fact, but not enough to start again.

I didn't intend to encourage anyone to go tv-less, but if you decide to, I respect that. I actually looked at my bookshelf and wondered what would happen if I read all of them completely, sparing none. Good things, I would imagine. The problem is that I have a quasi-addiction to buying books, specifically at Goodwill where one can find a staggering selection, oftentimes for less than $2. I appreciate Barnes and Noble, but they just can't compete with that. So my own inventory continues to rise at an insurmountable rate.

Cheers

[Robert Parlange]

Great essay. And brave.
In the 60s, science fiction writer Harlan Ellison wrote a book titled The Glass Teat. He warned us about television back then. He was somewhat prophetic.
I like the style used in the essay. Like you were having a conversation. Very good.
I discovered old radio dramas on the Internet Archive. Much better than what's on the "b**b-tube" now.

[aramis360]

The Glass Teat... That's awesome... Thanks for your review, old radio dramas sounds very interesting. Thanks!

[Christopher Zayn]

HA! This says it all. The exposure of hours upon hours of television, the "reality" of it people assume is actually so, and the normalizing behavior of staring at a box of continuous commercials and in-your-face programming. Ingenious analysis! Despite the essay being this long in length, I first thought how weary I would be a couple paragraphs in. You made it very fluidic and enjoyable! You said what you had to say and frankly what needs to be said. Not too preachy as well.

So now that the praise is out of the way, some constructive criticism would be what you really want, no? The paragraph beginning with you questioning how many adults still suck their thumbs was comedic, but I found it also rather redundant in its entirety. I also became slightly weary of the number of authors notes you inserted throughout the story. I know they have a purpose and are somewhat relevant, however they could have either been incorporated into the story or left out completely in some of them.


(I had a thought the other day. Is it so bad that the characters on reality shows that have fame for no apparent reason, choose to make jackasses of themselves? How does that affect the young viewers? Is it worse than regular people, who don't have the type of exposure and fame, which wouldn't make them as sleek and impressionable to people?)

[aramis360]

Thanks for your praise and for your criticism. I will definitely keep "redundancy" in mind and hopefully out of my future writings.

I wouldn't say that imbicility on the tube is a most horrible thing, yet when viewers, young and old alike, are spending such amount of time watching in a detached, vegetative state, then this is a recipe for a downward intellectual and productive slope. I don't hate television, but am cautious about the amount of time we spend watching it.

Thanks for the review!