The Last Night

My entry to the flash-fiction contest as promised. It's some more character delving. Some of you may recognize the character from Tower of God. This scene may make its way in it. We'll see.

The Last Night

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. 

The clock by the side of Calum’s bed counted off the seconds until sunrise. He was eighteen. Whatever. He was the firstborn of the fifth family of the Collective. Big whoop. He was going to be shipped off to Ward 1 in the morning. Could be worse. His breathing was steady and his heart was calm but he couldn’t for the life of him go to sleep. F**k. He breathed in slowly. Why wouldn’t his damn eyes just close? He glanced to his left. Three-thirty a.m it read in bright indigo digits. He groaned softly and rested his forearm on his forehead. I really need a smoke. He sighed as his fingers twitched at the thought.

            Ah, d****t. He tossed the covers to the side and got out of his bed. Water. Water. Water. Water. He tiptoed lightly across the room mindful of his twin brother snoring above him. Like a rock. He snorted softly. At least someone could get some sleep.

            Calum yawned as he closed the door and stretched, his plain white tee riding up and exposing the trail of hair on his stomach. The plaid boxers he’d worn to bed had ridden down and wrinkled in the night. Thirsty. He shuffled his way to the kitchen, back hunched slightly, his muscles and legs stiff from lack of use. Like a f****n’ geezer. He sighed and opened a cupboard before taking out a glass, not bothering to see whose it was, and turning on the tap.

            He stood there for a few seconds waiting for it to fill and tapping his foot impatiently on the ground. His eyes half lidded and mouth set in a bored line.

 Finally it reached the halfway point and he turned it off, bringing it to his lips and drinking. He brought the cup down and noticed the bright pink flower on its surface. Sandy’s.

            Calum yawned again and shook his head, trying to wake himself up and set the now empty glass down in the sink. Feel a little better. He shrugged to himself and padded his way back to his room. Eh, whatever.

            The door squeaked when he closed it and he winced at the sound.

            “Calum?” A voice much like his own mumbled.

            Calum scratched the back of his head. “S**t.”

            Jason sat up, and it was like looking at a black haired clean shaven mirror. His brother’s hair was ruffled and naturally a little wavier than his own, but he kept it straight and longer. His earring stood out in the moonlight. Jason rolled his eyes. “You didn’t wake me up you know.”

            Calum sighed and made his way over to their shared bunk bed and climbed into his own. “Cool.” He mumbled.

            “Are you okay?”

            “Couldn’t sleep.”

            “But are you okay? Are you ready? You know you don’t have to go. I could-- ”

            “No!” Calum said, louder than he intended, a sudden surge of emotion clenching at his heart and catching even himself off guard. Jason fell silent. Calum sighed and cleared his throat, eyes locked on the underside of his brother’s bed. “No, you’re not going.” He ran a hand down his face and huffed out a breath. “Look, you have a life here. I don’t, I’ve always been your shadow, only having friends because I was your brother.” His voice was little more than a murmur. Bored sounding and slightly drawling, a bit of the accent associated with Ward 4 on his tongue. For whatever reason it wasn’t as heavy as the rest of his families. “And I didn’t care. I never have Jay.”

            “That’s not true.”

            “It is. And no one will miss me.”

            “Yes they would. I would. Sandy would. Mom and Dad would. You-- my friends would.”

            “Not as much as you though.”

            Jason fell silent again. “But I’m the oldest,” he finally whispered and Calum could hear the bed shift as he moved above him.

            “Only by two minutes.”

            “It should be me.”

            “No,” Calum mumbled, glancing at the clock again. Four a.m it read. “It’s me. Now go to sleep.”

            Maybe I will too.

            He looked out the window,  a red wooden chair stood alone on the porch. Slowly aging. Fading away. Edges growing rough with wind and rain. Just like him. Calum closed his eyes.

Author's Note

Sooo yeah. You may see this scene added to the first chapter of my book Tower of God. Feel free to check that out if you want :3 TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!! I used this opportunity to delve deeper into Calum's character and why he ends up leaving his home. Btw in this world I imagine the Ward 4 accent as something similiar to an American southern accent (my bro gave me that idea when he was reading it aloud lol). Anyway. This was helpful, I discovered that Calum has a twin and part of his blase attitude comes from being his twin's shadow. I think this makes him seem more human as well and not JUST a blase teen WHICH he is but he can see he obviously cares for his family.

And my twitter is

@ArchangelSings

Btw... was this supposed to be first person? Causeee i Just noticed that like everyone's entry but mine was.... :x LET ME KNOW SO I CAN EDIT IT

Reviews

[Chris Orza]

I like how the main character's thoughts are interspersed throughout the rest of the narration. However, I feel that very little happens for this story to stand alone. The character changes from not closing his eyes to closing his eyes, but I'm not really sure why. I like the idea that one of the twins has to do something dangerous/challenging just because he is born two minutes earlier. That is a great detail, and you should play it up.

[Tsukin Archangel]

Well this really is now the intro for the first chapter of my book Tower of God and I wrote it as a kind of character delevopement/delving thing soooo that's probably part of the reason it doesn't feel like a stand alone, cause there is a lot of backstory that I know is in it that you wouldn't unless you read the book. I just hadn't been sure at the time if I was gonna add this scene or not sooo I posted it seperately. Thanks for teh review though man :3

[crystalandra]

This is really excellent...How you have written it is quite fine and I wouldn't change such a thing. My attention was captivated by the story and of course I would love to know more about Calum and what exactly is this Collective? your story raises so many questions that it makes me want to read more...Love this!

[Tsukin Archangel]

Yay! Thanks lol. This was the magical lil' scene I'd added to chapter 1 if you'd noticed lol. It felt appropriate to add to the beginning, so that KINDA deals more with Calum's character etc. Brainstorming Chapter 3 and some prologue edits but hopefully that'll be up realtively soon! GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYIN IT!

[Bri]

very nice, I like how descriptive you are.

[Tsukin Archangel]

Thank you :3 Glad you enjoyed it :3

[WestWriter]

I feel that The Last Night is a great story, but not meant for flash. For characters that are complex and well fleshed out, I gave full marks. The setting, while vivid, wasn't completely essential. I feel that the scene in the kitchen didn't contribute to the story, and should have been cut. If there was some underlying information that was supposed to come across with that bit, I missed it. For that reason, for setting, I gave 4 of 5 marks. Calum is facing plenty of conflict and obstacles, but there was no clear resolution. At the end of the story, I was left wondering what happened, instead of with a fairly certain sense of where the next scene would lead. Whether the story goes where the reader expects it to or not, each scene should set the reader up with some level of expectation. Due to the word limit constraint, I feel that the story did not resonate emotionally as well as it could have, were Tsukin allowed free reign. As far as impact goes, I feel that Calum's struggle needed to be more clearly defined, contrasted by the “what if” of Jason being shipped off to Ward 1 instead. I need to see that contrast, which is another reason why I say this piece would work so much better were it given space to roam. Though this piece was given mostly 4 of 5 marks in each category, the lack of emotional resonance made what could have been a high impact event fall a bit shy of the mark. I am very interested in reading more of this story as a longer work. I look forward to reading more from you, Tsukin Archangel!

- Jess

Note: I do a "blind read" of submissions to give an honest, unbiased opinion, so I did not see your author's note until after the contest was over. However, the first person pov was not a requisite or a preference, and so had no bearing on my decision. Looking back, however, I might suggest thinking of writing it from first person POV to heighten the emotional impact, but that is a matter I leave to you to decide. There are other ways to do so. I look forward to reading more about Calum. Write on, Tsukin!

[Tsukin Archangel]

Ah it's all good! And I most definitely see your point with the kitchen scene. It's one that connects to a scene I ended up writing after it (I think it made it go over the word limit though soooooo I didn't put it in) Where his sister gives him the cup that he'd used claiming it had "cooties" and then saying she doesnt want him to forget about her.