Fallen Angel Arzell VS. Special Agent JONES

The Fallen Angel and the Special Agent face off in hand to hand combat.

The Special Agent moved up behind Arzell. He needed to remove the restraints on his prisoner. The agent was not worried. There was little to be concerned about. The Special agent was very experienced and his prisoner seemed to be in a weakened condition. He was also not a large man. He did not appear to be much of a threat.
Arzell felt the restraints loosen. In his weakened state, he knew he wouldn’t get too many opportunities to make good his escape. He needed to make the most of any chance he did get. He needed to get away. The Special Agent removed the restraints and turned to adjust them. Suddenly, Arzell had his chance.
Arzell's left hand shot out, contacting the Special Agent’s inner right forearm.  His arm slid down the inside of the Special Agent’s right arm and activating the fire meridians. As his left hand closed around the agent’s wrist connecting the fire and metal meridians, his right hand shot upward.  Arzell's hand struck the earth point in the notch on the left side of the Special Agent’s jaw. The agent dropped like a sack of potatoes. He was out like a light.
Arzell turned to make good his escape, and almost ran directly into Special Agent Jones. He stopped himself just in time. Special Agent Jones waited, a smug grin on his face.
“Why am I being detained?” Arzell demanded. ‘I have a right to know.”
“You have more important things to worry about than that right now,” Special Agent Jones replied. “Like me.”
Special Agent Jones had already decided he wasn’t waiting for any backup. He was going to take care of this guy himself … right now. Jones began to move toward Arzell, advancing on him in a fighter’s crouch. It was obvious to Arzell he was in trouble. In his weakened condition, he was in no shape for a prolonged battle. This agent had skills. And, on top of that, he was a big strong man. But, Arzell did spot a weakness in the agent. He was arrogant. This was Arzell’s one advantage now. If he could last long enough to capitalize on it.
Special Agent Jones struck suddenly. A powerful lung punch with his right fist. Arzell ducked under Special Agent Jones’ powerful strike and twisting around, went immediately for an atemi waza to the liver. But, Agent Jones was too quick and Arzell lacked the energy to compensate.  Jones was now above Arzell and feeling his opponent’s weakness, went for an immobilization technique. Arzell knew better than to try to resist the technique. Instead he relaxed …  slipping out of the technique.
Pivoting on the ball of his left foot, he aimed an atemi waza at the Special Agents solar plexus. This one got through. And, if Arzell had still been in possession of his full powers, the fight would have been over. As it was, his strike barely slowed the agent down. The agent’s fist slammed into the side of Arzell’s head. Arzell felt a sharp pain explode deep in his skull, his knees buckled and he dropped to the floor. Managing to roll to his left, Arzell struggled back to his feet. He was shaken.  Special Agent Jones stood there, a smug look on his face. This was almost way too easy.
Arzell was in bad shape. Losing his supernatural powers had taken a great toll on him. He did not have much left in reserve. How was an Angel in his condition supposed to save humanity?  Jones advanced again. As Arzell moved to control the distance, his foot slipped on the floor. He almost fell. He did not look down to see if it was blood or sweat he had slipped on. Recovering his balance, he fought to refocus his energies … to extend his chi. He kept his eyes focused on Special Agent Jones.
Jones began circling left. He’d dropped into a boxer’s crouch and was toying with Arzell, trying to catch him off balance. Special Agent Jones was having fun and planned to mess this little guy up a little bit more before his was finished with him. Jones feinted with his left and threw a roundhouse kick at Arzell’s head. Arzell barely managed to duck under the powerful kick. It could have taken his head off if it had connected. Arzell circled to his left, waiting for the special agent to make a mistake.
Again, Jones attacked, moving in with a series of powerful strikes. Arzell moved back, yielding to the ferocious attack. Jones came on hard. He was over confident now, sure of his victory. Arzell barely managed to block a vicious knee strike aimed at his groin. He back-peddled, this time circling to his right, parrying strikes as he moved. He was getting tired and was barely able to move his legs. Arzell had managed to counter this last series of strikes but he knew he could not keep this up much longer.
Arzell tried to refocus. He worked to control his breathing and recharge. Chi flows with the breath … like oxygen … with the blood. Concentrating, he reached down inside himself where something he had not even known existed lay waiting. He dragged it up with all his strength and prepared for the special agent’s next assault.
Agent Jones attacked swiftly. Arzell circled back, evading the strikes, conserving his strength … waiting for his chance. Then, suddenly it was there. The Special Agent threw a powerful, right-handed straight punch toward Arzell’s heart.  Arzell’s right hand deflected the strike to the left. His deflection angled the Agent’s body enough for the palm-heel strike to the triple-yin crossing on the left side of the agent’s ribs. This had to be it.  Arzell knew he had nothing left. He let his energy flow with the strike, the timing was perfect. Arzell’s right hand struck and brushed back along the gallbladder meridian near the Agent’s left temple.
The combination of strikes following the cycle of destruction caused the agent’s blood pressure to bottom out. He fainted.  It was a good thing because Arzell collapsed on the floor as well. He was done in. He could not do anything as the backup group of Special Agents arrived. He could not resist as he was again restrained. Once the agents had Arzell under control, they turned their attention to the two unconscious agents.

Reviews

[JayG]

You’re working hard, but for reasons not of your making, are falling into the usual "hopeful writer" traps. And since they’re something the author won’t notice, I thought you’d want to know.

First, you’re transcribing yourself telling this to an audience. That can’t work, because verbal storytelling is performance art. When using it, how you tell the story matters as much as what you say.

Because you’re alone on stage you can’t realistically play all parts, so instead, you talk ABOUT the action and characters, and do so, dramatically, substituting your performance for that of the actors. But...does any of that performance make the page? For you, yes. As you read, you hear your own voice, filled with storyteller’s emotion. In your mind, the scene comes alive, because it’s-already-there, waiting to be called up. The reader? They have nothing you don't supply.

The second problem is that because all that is in your mind, and obvious…to you, you’ll forget to include it as you write. Then, as you read, fill it back in, and never notice the problem. But look at the opening, not as the all-knowing author, but as the reader, who has no context you don’t supply:

• The Special Agent moved up behind Arzell.

What’s a “special agent?” We don’t know where we are, who we are, or, what’s going on. What’s the year…the country…the age of the participants and their relationship to each other? And who or what, is Arzell? Is moving “up” climbing a hill, driving closer, or walking near? No way to know. And learning later helps not at all as it's read. So while this line brings up a picture in your mind, the reader gets nothing useful.

• He needed to remove the restraints on his prisoner.

I give up. Why did he need to do that? And is he the good guy or the bad? Are we playing a game, or in a war? You know. The people in the story know. Shouldn't the ones you wrote it for know...as-they-read? There is no second first-impression, remember.

See the problem? For you, who already knows the story, this line makes sense. For a reader? Meaningless, because you’re not presenting a story, you’re reporting and explaining what you visualize happening, in overview. In other words, you’re giving a report on something you already know about—but that the reader doesn't.

It’s an easy trap to fall into, and pretty much all of us are caught by it, because we’re missing a critical piece of information: what we’re trying to accomplish when writing fiction. E. L. Doctorow put it nicely with “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

See the problem? You’re giving the weather report. Instead of making the reader live the events, you, someone not in the story or on the scene—the narrator—are talking ABOUT the events in a dispassionate voice because our teachers never reminded us that professions, like Fiction-Writing, are acquired in addition to the set of general skills of school.

What kind of writing skills did we get there? Nonfiction, so we can write the reports, papers, and letters that most employers want from us. And nonfiction explains, it doesn’t make the reader experience the events as-the-protagonist. And it does so in explanation and overview, where fiction makes us live those events, in real-time.

So, without knowing that, we TELL our story instead of showing it as the protagonist experiences it. Instead of making the reader feel and care, we make them know. And where’s the excitement in what amounts to a history book? Instead of making the reader say, “Oh damn…what do we do now?” we present a dry recitation of, “This happened…then that happened…and after that…”

The fix? Add the tricks the pros take for granted to your tool-kit. Make those skills as natural feeling as the ones you use now and there you are.

Not good news, I know, but since you’ll never address the problem you don’t see as being one, and this one can be solved, I thought you would want to know.

Think about it: They offer degrees in Fiction-Writing. It makes sense that at least some of what’s taught is necessary, right? So picking up that knowledge can make a HUGE difference in how the reader experiences what you write. A small example, using the, one fact-at-a-time technique we’re given in school:
- - - - - -
There was a knock at the door. Susan went to the door and opened it. There were two men there.
- - - - - -
Is it all true? So what? It’s boring. Look at such an opening as written in a live sequence called Motivation/Response Units..
- - - - -
The sound of the doorbell pulled Susan’s attention from her brooding. As she stood, forcing her sadness aside for the moment, hope flared. Perhaps John had realized that leaving as he did, angry over such a small thing, was a mistake?

Composing herself, and brushing a tear from her cheek, she opened the door, fingers crossed. But two policemen stood on the step, their faces grim.
- - - - - - -
See the difference? The first is an overview, focused on the progression of events, dry and boring. The viewpoint is that of the narrator. The emotional content, for the reader, is zero.

In the second, we ARE the protagonist. We know her emotional state at the opening, and what served to change that. We have HER analysis as to what matters, as it relates to her. Then, as HER, we note what next she will respond to. And as structured, we, just as she does, have an idea of what’s coming. Sure, the policemen might be collecting for a charity. They might be warning of a danger. But she, because of her mood, and what happened to her recently, won’t see it that way—nor will the reader…deliberately. Instead, the reader will have the same moment of, “Oh no…you don’t suppose…” that she will.

Make sense?

The library’s fiction-writing section has lots of books on writing technique, and can be a huge resource. Personally? I’d suggest starting with Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Read a chapter or three. I’m betting that before you reach the end of chapter 2 you’ll be saying, “So THAT’S how they do it, often.

And for what it might be worth as an overview, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are based on the kind of thing you’ll find in such a book.

So jump in. If you’re meant to write, you’ll find it like going backstage. If not…well, you’ll learn something important. So, it’s win/win.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Arzell the Esoteric]

Your review is extremely critical and very wordy. It seems more of a reflection of your experience than a reflection of mine. Your review completely overshadows the piece of art that is on display here and I think that is probably due to online competition from writers. Many of your questions or concerns could be alleviated by taking into consideration that this is an excerpt from a chapter of an complete novel. This is not supposed to be an introduction of characters, origins or backgrounds. This writing was simply a display of some of the combat techniques used in the novel to attract technical martial arts readers who practice the arts. It was my purpose to make the reader curious to what is going on. I haven't released more of the book until later which will answer questions from followers if they choose to acquire about it.I appreciate your review but I think the entire thing was misunderstood and your criticisms are primarily used on new writers as a display of experience and knowledge in order to gain followers. Non of what you suggested was useful in my opinion and much of what you suggested was elementary in scope but presented well in writing. I figured it's either your personality, or marketing. Either way I'm sure you intimidate a lot of new writers, but I have read your work, and honestly, I'm not impressed. Im sure you are busy with other works given your experience and extensive knowledge on fiction writing. I'm glad someone of your caliber even had time to read my little indie project. Thank you for your guidance, I shall burn all of my writing and run off into the sunset following your advice until I can finally win over your approval as your apprentice. A simple, "I didn't like it because I did not understand what was going on" Would have been a beautiful and constructive enough criticism to get your point across without trying to convince me of how experienced or intelligent you are, I get it you write and sell books. How exciting. Thanks again.

[JayG]

• It seems more of a reflection of your experience than a reflection of mine

Exactly. And my experience includes teaching fiction-writing at workshops, owning a manuscript critiquing service, and, more than a few fiction publisher’s contracts offered and accepted. I’m published in nonfiction, fiction—both long and short form—and poetry. You?

A great deal of what I said in that critique would have been covered early in any good book on writing teachnique, had you read one. In fact, I recommended one, and it’s free these days. It was written by a man who used to fill auditoriums when he took his woirkshops on tour.

• Your review completely overshadows the piece of art that is on display

Seriously? That’s art? Naaa. We can call our work art ONLY when people other than ourself, who paid to read it, are moved to say, “That’s art.” At the moment, you’re writing with the nonfictiction techniques we learn in school and practice with reports and essays. And ANYTHING written with those techniques will, and must, read like a report. Submit it to a publisher and it will be rejected in a paragraph or less. Ofter in a single sentence.

Easy enough to prove me wrong, of course. Sell it. If it’s art it will sell to the first agent you submit to. So far, in the forty years I’ve been writing, and commenting on work, lots of people have insisted that they’re doing everything right when I did a critique and said they need improvement. Not one has ever come back and said they sold the work. I have had people thank me on the dedication page of their first sale, though. And the work I’ve posted here is well received.

• Many of your questions or concerns could be alleviated by taking into consideration that this is an excerpt from a chapter of an complete novel.

And you said, or implied that this isn’t chapter one…where? As far as the reader knows, this is page one of chapter one. Clarity of communication is your JOB.

Most people posting work online realize that the opening chapter is the only one where the reader doesn’t need a “what has gone before” section to give them context.

But that aside… No, my concerns are not about the story. The problem is that you’re trying to practice a profession for which they offer four-year degree programs without having cracked a book on fiction-writing teachnique. And that Creative Writing course you probably took as an undergrad is useless. It gives you a taste, only.

Trying to write fiction without acquiring the necessary skills can no more work than were I to apply for a job as a paralegal without knowing what the job entails. And I say that as someone who, in the days before the Internet, and sites like this, wrote six many times queried but never sold novels, before I learned what I told you here, and took steps to learn the professional skills (via that Dwight Swain book, as a matter of fact). A year later, I was offered my first contract. Who knows. Maybe he can do that for you.

Think about it. I critiqued what you posted. Who cares if it’s not finished? I looked at this piece, not the entire work. And, no matter how hard you work at polishing ths chapter, until you begin writing with the skills of the fiction-writer, nothing will change.

• This writing was simply a display of some of the combat techniques used in the novel to attract technical martial arts readers who practice the arts.

Naa… That won’t happen, because you’re not presenting a combat situation, as a fiction reader expects to see it. Why would someone competent in martial arts want to read, “He did this, and he thought that, and then…” That’s a chronicle of events, not a story, provided, in a dispassionate voice by an external observer. Think about how exciting it would be to read a transcription of the announcer at a prize fight, and you’ll see what I mean.

It might be nice if we learned the necessary skills by reading fiction, but you can spend days at the museum, looking at statues, and still have not a clue of how work in clay or stone.

The tools of the fiction-writer are invisible to the reader, because, as always, art conceals art. We can’t know where, and why, the author used one approach as against another. We do, though, see the result of using those skills, and expect to see them in use in what we read. More to the point, your reader expects to see the result of your using tools you don’t yet own.

And that’s the best argument I know of for acquiring the skills the pros take for granted.

But…based on your comments, you’ve not yet learned that a critique isn’t a personal attack, on you, or, your writing abilities. It’s commentary on this piece of writing, as it stands on this day. No more. It’s not a reflection on your talent, or how well you write. So when the steam stops coming from your ears, prove me wrong in another way. Read two chapters of that book I recommended. Then come back and tell me why HE’S wrong.

As for me, having had my say, and not wanting t upset you further, I'll bow out.

Some relevant quotes, from people you might know of.

“A writer, shy or not, needs a tough skin, for no matter how advanced one’s experience and career, expert criticism cuts to the quick, and one learns to endure and to perfect, if for no other reason than to challenge the pain-maker.” ~ Sol Stein


“It’s none of their business that you have to learn how to write. Let them think you were born that way.” ~Ernest Hemingway

“Never confuse movement with action.” ~ Ernest Hemingway

“A novel is like a car—it won’t go anywhere until you turn on the engine. The “engine” of both fiction and nonfiction is the point at which the reader makes the decision not to put the book down. The engine should start in the first three pages, the closer to the top of page one the better.” ~ Sol Stein

[Arzell the Esoteric]

You are quite the interesting character, but I respect you. Not for your credentials as you are quickly to display them here, but for your sheer tenacity in how you display them. I'm not upset in so much as I am entertained. You obviously have a passion and love for your craft, and that is honorable. There is nothing in the advice that you gave me that I have not taken into consideration and I am always looking to better myself, I haven't met a living human that doesn't. You are fully aware that your delivery of information can be a bit abrasive, you address such things in your profile. Your criticism go beyond the things you read, and beyond that you have no official authority to classify some of the claims you make in your criticism, but I digress. As you are aware I prepare legal documents for a profession, so your claim of writing things as I do is a skill I continue to work on but I am NEW here. Not just as a fiction writer but on this platform in general, Writers, Cafe. I'm still learning how to post things, and what the community is expecting. Besides legal writing I normally write Poetry. Your are free to critique: https://allpoetry.com/Arzell_the_Esoteric. Being my first experience on a new platform as a new member, it was a bit intimidating. Especially, BECAUSE you have the credential you have. Of course writers will respect you, and so do I, but we all come from different background with different experiences and goals. We differ in views and like you I agree to bow out.Talking to you is very interesting and I also do not want to be offensive. I'll take your advice for what it's worth, I appreciate it. Just know I disagree with parts of it in context and delivery. I'll be sure to upload more content and bring more life to my writing by looking through the lens of the readers.

[JayG]

• I'm not upset in so much as I am entertained.

Naa. You’re pissed, and lashing out. I’ve been writing since the 80s, and visiting online writing venues since they had only 300 baud modems. Do you really think you’re the first to react as you did. In the past year, here, I had four mirror copies, and 50+ who were grateful for the help.

You make the mistake of thinking I care what you think.

Someone you don’t know, who in this case has lots of experience in the field, took time he didn’t have to give you, to point you in the direction of help.

Yes, I pointed out the problems, and explained why they were problems, but in the end, all I really said was that we don’t learn the skills of the fiction-writing profession in school, so you need to dig into the skills that readers expect you to have.

Your reaction is anger that I would dare suggest that you’re less than perfect.

Prove me wrong. All the posturing and claims is refuted by a single rejection slip. All your insistence on your grandeur is refuted by the fact that the piece has 40 views and yet I’m the only one who commented, that wouldn’t help. I’ve sold my work, and I’m not all that great a writer, so since you know more than I do, it should be a snap.

• Your criticism go beyond the things you read, and beyond that you have no official authority to classify some of the claims you make in your criticism,

Sorry, they’re not claims. I can point to specific chapters in books on writing technique that back up every word I said. And you’ve argued not one point, not one example. And that says it all.

• As you are aware I prepare legal documents for a profession, so your claim of writing things as I do is a skill I continue to work on but I am NEW here.

So, you spend your time using the specialized nonfiction skills you had to learn, and hone—skills that cannot be used for fiction. You accept that you had to learn them to practice your profession, but not that you must do the same for the profesion of Fiction-Writer. A very short-sighted view.

You say you’re new here. So what? The last place to go to learn how to write is a place where the people posting, with few exceptions, are unable to sell their work. You can grow old here, and become better and better at writing poorly—hardening bad-habits into concrete. But you’ll literally learn nothing about writing for publication because should someone else, knowledgeable, point out what needs to be corrected, you’ll dismiss their words as well.

Bottom line: No one says you have to listen to my, or anyone’s advice. No one says you have to learn the skills the pros take for granted. You can write in any way you care to…unless you want readers to be pulled into the story. At the moment, your fiction has all the emotional content of an interrogatory. Fixing it or writing for yourself is your decision.

As I said, before, I’m out. This time I am, and won’t reply.