Distant

I sit in the corner,

Hazel eyes glazed over,

Gazing through yellowed walls.

In and out of focus…

They’re some self-correcting camera lens.

 

It is you that I really see

Swirling around in my head,

Unapologetic and consuming.

Always there,

But you never see me.

 

Your eyes scrape over me,

In one brutal, swift sweep

Tearing jagged, shallow wounds.

I’d prefer a stab...

Then I could be your center.

 

My corner is dark now,

And trance slips away like satin

Plunging me into a fevered sleep.

I am plagued with visions of you,

How you spirit away.

 

Such is the curse of those

Who fall in love with the Distant.

Reviews

[mou]

it is quite sad..like a punishment for a true love for distant..
just beautiful

[Benitoo]

Love it.
It's wonderful to come back to this site after a year of letting my account collect dust and read this. You write with brilliant lyricism and infuse your lines with intense color and passion. You must be truly and clearly inspired.

Comments on form/technique:
corner/over is a neat rhyme
hazel/glazed are perfect words — their meanings and pronunciations produce the glassy image befitting the rest of the stanza
I'm not sure what it is about the first few lines — maybe how they're centered or how they grow and shrink, or the punctuation, plus the alliteration of hazel, glazed, gazing — that made me feel inside a lens changing focus before I even read that line
The third stanza feels sharply sexual, and is well placed at the center
The ending is dark but somehow cute, almost playful, like the end of a children's horror story. In any case, it solidifies the Gothic tone and feel.

One change of style you may want to try is to include more telling details. Perhaps this suggestion isn't for this poem — perhaps not for any of your poems — but it may spark extra life to them.
For example, the second stanza conjures a blurred ghost (which in this case works out with the theme of the Distant), and your words carry the feeling invoked when you see him (especially in the last line). But without details, we don't actually see the ghost, and our emotional response is limited by your words.
I might rewrite that stanza like so:

It's your blackened eyes I really see
And the razor crescents sitting above them
In the whirlwind of combs and knives you
Made me too familiar while
I shredded my insides
And you did not see.

Of course, this would not fit your poem, and likely isn't relevant to your particular ghost. Eschewing details as you do has the advantage of generality — anyone who reads your poem can connect to it by imputing one's own memories to your words. I have to admit this is something I like about your poems. But then, aren't you merely making us remember, rather than making us feel something new?
I encourage you to try writing or rewriting some of your poems with more details. Don't fuss over it, but keep the idea in the back of your head. I love your writing as it is, but you may find some lurking miracles.

Last criticism: The line "They're some self-correcting camera lens," sounds a tad odd. Instinctively, I would change "some" to "a" unless the word choice is intentional to fracture the flow like glass.

Your way with words is intoxicating. Keep writing! Looking forward to reading more (though I won't be leaving reviews like this so often).

[Rache David]

I can feel, how you really long for this person...
it's painfully beautiful...
I could relate myself to this. Because i fell also in love with the distant.. :). Nice work..

[Wild Spirit]

OMG I LOVE IT!!! AMAZING!

[Celestial Witch Child]

Amazing work. Great imagery and detail. Keep it up.

[T.S. Claus]

My new favorite poem I've read on here :) Love this!

[Avinash]

Apathy from the person who is constantly in our thoughts can be quite a draining experience. Your poem captures the ethos quite well.

[Sindu]

Wow! Good to read your stuff Ashira! Been so long, where were you? I loved the imagery, bluntness, the edgy ragged lines, emotionally strong..

Love these

Your eyes scrape over me,
In one brutal, swift sweep
Tearing jagged, shallow wounds.
I’d prefer a stab...
Then I could be your center.

... camera lens[es] ?

[Ruth]

Indeed...I love the final imagery, adds impact to the emotional quality throughout and distant could be either far away or personally distant, clever xo

[Mayank]

Ashira!! where were you? good to read your piece after such a long time and I loved the last line... absolutely my situation.