Revenge

Revenge

A Story by Ashley
"

His family killed, his home destroyed. its only natural that Jonathon seaks revenge. Finding himself in the Hijain forest will he survive and succed in revenge?

"

The first few steps were slow and Jonathon took them grudgingly. Having travelled for weeks, his now emaciated body had still the final challenge.

 The sharp sound of metal on metal startled him slightly. His father’s sword. Though it was sharp and strong, was heavy and too long for Jonathon to rest on his waist. There was only time enough to grab a single weapon before the mighty house fell. His own sword, much lighter and agile would have suited him better, if only the violent flames that had devoured his once majestic home had not been so hungry. Jonathon’s  spinal disks showed clearly on his unclothed back as he bent slowly to find whatever his sword had made contact with. Very little light broke through the dense tops of the tall dark trees; Jonathon had to search blindly with his hands. The finger tips of his right hand touch a cool metal surface, Jonathon moved his left hand closer to investigate. Lifting the object it soon came apparent what it was. A discarded black, metal chain. The weapon favoured by some of stronger Hijains. Hijains, it was a surety that they would be here, it was their original home, however Jonathon’s exposed spin echoed the chill of the cold metal. Still a chain such as this can be useful especially with the limited materials the Jonathon had. The oversized sword, empty canteen, wholly socks, old boots and the dirty mattered trousers were what Jonathon considered his inventory. After straightening up, Jonathan tied the cool steal chain around his waist for safe keeping.

Six weeks was a long time to be alone and Jonathon had searched his mind constantly. Having left his burning home he had set of straight away to kill the creature responsible. Zyrox. This was the name of the beast that had destroyed his home and family with it. Zyrox was the lord of the Hijain that infested this forest, thousands of them hidden away. Having once been one, Zyrox closely resembled a hajin. However Zyrox was much stronger, by becoming the lord his body had changed, a developed muscle structure and increase in size and strength were the main physical changes. There were also mental changes, with new intelligence and slightly shortened fangs; Zyrox was able to form words unlike the Hijain who were only able to produce screeching sounds. Zyrox was able to plan and form his own opinions and ideas, this is one of the reasons the Hijain obey him, they respect him. Also his seven foot and muscular frame contrasted violently with the Hijains mere six foot height and lack of muscle structure, this did something to strengthen their allegiance. The main question in Jonathans mind was why? Why was it his life that was ruined by this monster, he had done nothing, Jonathon was a blacksmiths son. The Hijain had never entered his village and Jonathon had never encountered them before, they had nothing to fear from him. However it did not matter, they would pay no matter what reason they had.

It was always dark in this forest so Jonathon estimated it was night by the drop in temperature. Although not scared of travelling in the night, Jonathon knew the Hijain thrived in it and would soon be scouring the forest for small pray such as the deer that sometimes wondered too deep into the forest. The sheer numbers of Hijain meant Jonathon could not camp on the ground, they would surely trample him. Jonathon looked around for a tree that looked suitable, once finding one he started to climb. After making it up to the crevice he had chosen the tree for, Jonathon settled his back against it. Only learning this technique on his travels, Jonathon had never put it to practice, he hoped he did not fall out in his sleep. Resting his head against the main trunk of the tree, Jonathon wondered how he would get to sleep suspended twenty feet above the ground, he did not wonder for long.

Sharp, shrill screaming suddenly woke Jonathon in the night. He jolted but thankfully managed to grip the nearest tree branch to stop himself falling. Dark shadows streamed through the forest beneath Jonathon.  Hijain. Their long skeletal bodies were built for speed. Masters of the forest, they blended expertly with their surroundings. The dark purple bodies appeared as moving shadows in the darkness. Completely black eye balls allowed them to keep their eyes open whilst remaining camouflaged. They continued to rush through the forest in the hope of finding a meal. The loud sounds of Hijain smashing into trees could just be heard over the screeching. Large Hijain often knocked over trees in their haste to hunt. The tree Jonathon was laying in suddenly lurched sideways as it was hit by an over eager Hijain. Holding on by one had, Jonathon desperately tried to pull himself up. Looking down Jonathon saw that the Hijain that had been stopped by the tree stupidly looked up to see what had stopped him. Urging the Hijain to move on, Jonathon continued to try and pull himself up. An excruciatingly loud, deep roar echoed around the surrounding forest.  Looking down Jonathon saw that around 10 Hijain had answered the murderous call and now stood in a circle awaiting the pray. Jonathon let go. His father had always taught him to fight and that’s what he would do. As he fell Jonathon pulled his sword from his waist and was able to swing it through the shoulder of the nearest Hijain. Turning in one swift movement Jonathon dislodged his sword from the still standing Hijain and swung it in a large arc toward the neck of another. A quiet thud and splatter of warm blood alone his back was enough for Jonathon to be sure he had hit his mark. Pulling his sword up to a defensive angle, Jonathon searched the remaining Hijain for his next victim. There snake like faces were dark and hard, small black eyes looked from side to side through the thin slits of eye lids. The flat, pointed noses of all the Hijain sniffed, the smell of a brothers blood infuriating them. The Hijain opposite Jonathon charged. Raising long sharp claws attached to skeletal fingers, it jumped the last four meters between them and flew at Jonathon through the air. Big mistake. Jonathon thrust his sword upwards into the unstructured abdomen of the oncoming Hijain. Turning his face, Jonathon was able to avoid getting the spurting blood into his eyes; however he was still able to hear the rip of the Hijains skin. The sharp, heavy sword struck open the Hijains body, allowing its various organs to fall to the floor before the body itself. Jonathon turned whilst wiping blood from one side of his face, the Hijain had gone.

It would have been very naive of Jonathon to think the Hijain would not return, so he cleaned his sword on his trousers and placed it back in his belt. Speed was essential as the Hijain would surly return soon, starting a quick jog, Jonathon made his way deeper into the dark, bloodcurdling forest. It was getting warmer in the forest by the time Jonathon had put around 4 miles between him and the unmoving Hijains, Jonathon concluded that this must be a sign of morning. It had been a long hard night, Jonathans emaciated body had meant he had to stop frequently and he had not gotten far for such a long time running. Stopping and leaning against a tall tree, Jonathon noticed the quiet. The Hijains had stopped screaming. Had Jonathon’s own loud breathing not obscured his hearing, he would have noticed this as the first sign of morning.

© 2010 Ashley


Author's Note

Ashley
i know there will be spelling and grammar problem. this is not finished yet but i decided to see what you all think before i continue. if you have any ideas about what should happen next i would be very happy to hear them. i dont do much writing so i would appreatiate to hear what you think of the quality

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Paragraph 2: "spin" instead of "spine". "Wholly" instead of "holey". "Steal" instead of "steel". And you said "The weapon favoured by some of stronger Hijains."

Paragraph 4: "[...]would soon be scouring the forest for small pray such as the deer that sometimes wondered too deep into the forest." I think that you should avoid the double use of forest, its redundant. "Only learning this technique on his travels, Jonathon had never put it to practice[...]". In this case, perhaps learning should be switched out with hearing, as he has never attempted it before.

Paragraph 5: Although you say that they are strong, being able to wield heavy steel chains and knock down trees, you present the hijain and stealthful with skeletal builds, perhaps a redesign might work to better use the creature.

Paragraph 6: "It was getting warmer in the forest by the time Jonathon had put around 4 miles between him and the unmoving Hijains, Jonathon concluded that this must be a sign of morning." However, you then use "Had Jonathon’s own loud breathing not obscured his hearing, he would have noticed this as the first sign of morning." This final sentance seems somewhat redundant as its already been stated that he is aware it is morning, there is no need to explain why he didn't realise sooner do to the lack of screams.

The Character: Perhaps you should think about what was stated from the very start. He has begun to waste away due to lack of food, or enviromental strain. And yet he can wield a sword which is too large for him without issue. Also, humans have a tendancy to seek out social attachment, and when we are alone for extended periods of time we often start to talk to ourselves. I think it would be a good idea for him to voice more of his thoughts.

His Home: Although having been described as mighty, the only one to escape was a young man. And the details of it are kept somewhat hidden at this point. Such a traumatic event is likly to haunt someone who survives it, especially someone who has such a connection with those there that they wish to seek revenge.

Overall I enjoyed your story, it did mantain an even flow for the most part. Mull over the suggestions or toss them aside if you would. Keep on scrawling, practice makes perfect.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

Paragraph 2: "spin" instead of "spine". "Wholly" instead of "holey". "Steal" instead of "steel". And you said "The weapon favoured by some of stronger Hijains."

Paragraph 4: "[...]would soon be scouring the forest for small pray such as the deer that sometimes wondered too deep into the forest." I think that you should avoid the double use of forest, its redundant. "Only learning this technique on his travels, Jonathon had never put it to practice[...]". In this case, perhaps learning should be switched out with hearing, as he has never attempted it before.

Paragraph 5: Although you say that they are strong, being able to wield heavy steel chains and knock down trees, you present the hijain and stealthful with skeletal builds, perhaps a redesign might work to better use the creature.

Paragraph 6: "It was getting warmer in the forest by the time Jonathon had put around 4 miles between him and the unmoving Hijains, Jonathon concluded that this must be a sign of morning." However, you then use "Had Jonathon’s own loud breathing not obscured his hearing, he would have noticed this as the first sign of morning." This final sentance seems somewhat redundant as its already been stated that he is aware it is morning, there is no need to explain why he didn't realise sooner do to the lack of screams.

The Character: Perhaps you should think about what was stated from the very start. He has begun to waste away due to lack of food, or enviromental strain. And yet he can wield a sword which is too large for him without issue. Also, humans have a tendancy to seek out social attachment, and when we are alone for extended periods of time we often start to talk to ourselves. I think it would be a good idea for him to voice more of his thoughts.

His Home: Although having been described as mighty, the only one to escape was a young man. And the details of it are kept somewhat hidden at this point. Such a traumatic event is likly to haunt someone who survives it, especially someone who has such a connection with those there that they wish to seek revenge.

Overall I enjoyed your story, it did mantain an even flow for the most part. Mull over the suggestions or toss them aside if you would. Keep on scrawling, practice makes perfect.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on August 9, 2010
Last Updated on August 10, 2010
Tags: horror, thriller

Author

Ashley
Ashley

United Kingdom



About
this weeks book to read is "Airman" by Eoin Colfer. a gripping read full of constant thrill and adventure. very informative, one of the best books i've read more..

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