Do You Ever Think of Me

October of last year, I lost my virginity to one of my best guy friends. I was in love with him; he wanted to be friends with benefits (even though he "had feelings for me"). Everyone said I`d regret it, said I`d just get hurt; but I guess I`m the kind of person who has to find out things for herself. I don`t regret it. Sure, he hurt me terribly, but at least I got the chance to be with him when I did. I`ll admit, I pushed him away by acting crazy jealous of everyone he talked to, by sending him long paragraphs about how I feel, and by expecting him to care about me the way I care about him. That, I do regret. But what`s done is done; I can`t change the past. 

I`m still in love with him. I was doing fine for a little while.. but then the other day, I spoke to him for the first time in two or three months -- what a mistake. He sits in front of me in English class; we planned that at the beginning of the year, back when we were friends, well, a little more than friends - the kind of friends who have feelings for each other but don`t make a big deal out of it. We used to talk daily, now we never utter a word.

I said, "Hey," and tapped him lightly. It had been so long since I said anything to him, and I missed him. But talking to him was like leaping from a very high cliff - full of fear and hope that I wouldn`t fall onto jagged rocks. 

He turned around, "what?" For a split second, he looked into my eyes and I felt the warmth of a blazing hot summer day course through my body. 

"I`m sorry for acting psycho to you all those times," I said into my sweater sleeve. 

"It`s fine," he said getting up. He went and sat with his group of friends, since we were doing a group project in class. I heard him laugh at a joke someone said, and I felt lighter than I had in a while. I wish he would`ve said more, but he`s not the type for dramatics. We`re so different, yet I adore every bit of him - even the bits that aggravates me, and make me want to slap him. It`s sad, really.. how much one person can affect another. 

The rest of the day I played that scene in my head repeatedly, like a broken record I wanted to break, but couldn`t find the will power to do it. Do I even cross his mind? He`d probably just be very creeped out if he read any of this. Sigh, what is life. 

Author's Note

I`m always open for feedback!

Reviews

[joey]

its a crazy feeling to connect and be so disconnected yet still have those lingering feelings. im sure he still thinks of the good moments that were pure in his heart, just not quite as vividly as you. he'll experience this same feeling as you, connected and disconnected by others... what a wonderful world.

[Ashlynn Guillot]

I like how you interpreted that, and you're right.. Feelings, man.

[DeathHaze]

Keep writing your stories :)

[Ashlynn Guillot]

I shall, thank you c: