"I Forgive You,Still"

This is not the first time that I heard you plant those words

This is not the first time that I have been hurt

This pain will only hurt now, but it won't remain

This agony can't wound me

I've already survived multiple shatter bonds before

I have lived several moments like this once prior

Family fight and reconcile

Every time when I wait for the big Apology

Eventually, I realize that it's not in your being to utter such words

If it is only me that is suffering than why do you ignore their inquiry?

Those moments when it was just us, had I not done what is enough?

Those desperate ways to pursue your endearment

Those small fingertips that looked up to me even when I had nothing

This is not the first time that I heard you plant those words

Parents don't raise their children to broadcast their mistakes

This is not the first time that I have been hurt

The amount of tears that I have shed have no meaning or significance

For your eyes are blinded by your selfish existence

If that word had not yet already been defined, than I'd be damned to define it

If not bonded by blood than you'd be a stranger, indeed that much is true

However

This pain will only hurt now, but it won't remain

A Failure is all that you see 

This agony can't wound me

"Don't draw close to her, you'll go crazy"

I've already survived multiple shattered bonds before

"Yeah, she's the one who went to the mental institution."

I have lived several moments like this once prior

The amount of tears that I have shed have no meaning or significance

Those moments when it was just us, had I not done what is enough?

I don't know where I went wrong raising you,

Or if being mentally battered a part of my entire being

But Enough, is Enough

I Forgive you, Still

Reviews

[JayG]

• This is not the first time that I heard you plant those words

This line encapsulates your most serious problem: You, the author, are talking TO the reader, about your response to undefined events. So, in effect, you are displaying effect without cause. And without it:

* Does the reader know who’s speaking? No. But you do.
* Does the reader know who’s being talked about? No. But you do.
* Does the reader know the smallest thing about the events that caused this diatribe
No. But you do.
* Does the reader know where we are in time and space? No. But, again, you do.
* Does the reader have the smallest trace of context to make the words meaningful as they read? Nope.

And: Is there a second first-impression? Unfortunately, no.

But... Because you have intent for how the words are to be taken, and have context before you begin to read, the poem works perfectly…for you. That’s why we must do our editing from the seat of a reader, who has only the context that the words supply, or evoke, and who, unless you give them a reason to care, don’t.

It’s not a matter of talent, or how well you write. It’s that the writing skill we’re given in school are meant to inform, because employers require nonfiction skills, and we're trained in the basic skills that employers find useful.

Poetry, though, has providing an emotional experience as its goal. So instead of talking TO the reader, we involve them. And that can’t be done without the tricks of poetry, which are learned skills—and well worth the time to learn.

The problem is, most people never realize that, because our own work always works for us. Why? Because before we read the first word we have both context and intent. But…can the reader hear the emotion in your voice as you read? No. Do they have access to your intent? No. But because you do, when you read, the poem works exactly as you intend it to. And because we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[AssonanceWriter]

Thank you Jay, although I will be honest with you this is not the first time that you have read one of my writings' thanks for the feedback. (:

[JayG]

• this is not the first time that you have read one of my writings'

Whoops. I usually record the name, so I don't repeat myself. But bear in mind that I only respond if I see problems of the kind the author won't notice. So twice, I read your work and was moved to say, "There's something there."

I looked at your fiction, and the same problem is there—again, one you'll not notice, and can't be blamed for, but still...

The problem, in both, is that because we learn a skill called writing, we assume it works for everything. That makes sense, because no one said otherwise. But...all those reports and essays? They made you good at reports and essays, only. In other words, nonfiction writing. Using it, you, the narrator, talk TO the reader, which has all the excitement of a history book written about fictional people and situation.

In, Assurance Coast, you begin with a lecture that no one asked for—a course of history that people must memorize before the action can begin. But reader want you to begin with story, not history.

They don't want to learn what happened in the plot, they to be made to live the action, in real-time, as-the-protagonist, and to be made to care and feel. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And that's true for fiction AND poetry. But if no one ever told you how to do that, or even that you should...

Try something that might make a huge difference. There are lots of books on poetry and fiction, but since you write both, I have two possibilities that can make a HUGE difference.

The first is free, but not the easiest read. Still, it's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

The second is from one of Mr. Swain's Students, Debra Dixon. It's less complex, and an easier read, but costs. You can download it from any online bookstore: GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

It's a warm easy read, like sitting with Deb as she talks about writing.

If an overview of the fiction/nonfiction field would help, the articles in my WordPress Writing blog (the address is at the bottom of my first comments) are based on the kind of things you'll find in such a book.

Hope this helps.