F**k You

A Poem by Authoress

Nothing but useless, angsty teenage drama.

All I was trying to do was

talk about you, and

how much I love you, and

all the reasons why.

And when you finally

accepted what I said was

true, you started to

do the same for me, even

though you know it makes

me uncomfortable.

I read the big, long text

about how awesome you

think I am, and yes, it

was sweet and I did

appreciate it.

The first time you came

over I asked you about

your deepest, darkest

secret, and you told me.

And then I couldn't tell

you mine, because I had

the same secret, but I

was younger when it

happened and the last

thing I wanted to do was

one-up you. So instead

I told you my two easiest

secrets - neither of

which were really very

easy - and we just cuddled

and talked until you

had to leave.

Way back during our

first phone call, I made

you list 5 things you

liked about yourself. It

was a technique an old

therapist told me about

and even though

it never worked for

me, it worked for other

people, so I thought

I'd give it a try and help

you make yourself feel

good. You made me

do it, too. It brought

me to tears.

It's hard for me. It's

depressing. I'm fine.

Our next phone call

was five hours long, and

by the end of it

your ears were burning

and both of us were

kind of a wreck. I

mean, I was a wreck,

and you were still

talking to me, which is

quite the feat.

I told you my second-

darkest secret then.

I told you about Tracey.

And you didn't know

what to say and I didn't

know what I needed

you to say and somehow

you got me through

the mess, and

we both went to sleep

happier than when I called.

But this conversation -

I had told you before that

I didn't want to do the

lists but I never

confided fully. Apparently,

neither did you.

You are so kind. You are

the human embodiment

of kindness; you don't

get angry, you don't cry,

you shove down any and

all negative emotions

just so you can deal with

the happy ones and

help with other peoples'

sadness, because you

can't handle both at once.

At least that's what it

seems like to me. But

you are so soulfully kind

and absolutely hilarious,

and beautiful - don't

you DARE roll your eyes -

and loving and being

around you and the talent

that just oozes out from

you and the drive and

enthusiasm that you just

radiate makes me

irrevocably happy.

I told you I didn't like the

lists and refused to make

one. I told you I was fine

- I didn't ever want to

bother you with sad stuff

and I tend to be a pretty

pathetic sack of s**t - and

you said, again and again,

that if I was fine it should

be easy. My argument,

though undoubtedly

only valid through a sick

15-year-old's eyes,

was that if I was fine

AND I WAS (which I wasn't)

it shouldn't be necessary.

You started flooding my

texts with 'Please'.

Just the word 'Please' over

and over again, never

any punctuation, never stopping,

just the word please.

Sometimes you'd send one

in the middle about how

easy it should be and how

I could please just do it

for you (I never knew how

much that was true) and

how you'd never let up

and would stay up all

night and miss school if you

had to.

You had done this before.

I always got you to stop,

normally by caving in. But

I was already sad and I

felt like I couldn't talk to

you about it and I didn't

want to depress myself

further and the longer

the 'Please' streak, one

delivered every few seconds,

grew, the more I was

scared of what I would do

if left alone with my head

when you went to sleep.

So I told you I was putting

your notifications on 'Do Not

Disturb' and going to do

something else. I was starting

to get scared and when I

get scared I either get

angry or sad, and this time

anger happened to win out.

I was pissed off.

I want to reiterate that you

never get angry.

In the months I have known

you, in the years your friends

have known you, you do not

get angry.

You know this.

You threw in a 'Just please'

in the middle of 10 more

'Please' texts, and then

stopped to tell me that if

I put you on 'Do Not Disturb'

you would be pissed.

I didn't believe you.

You immediately resumed

sending me 'Please' every

few seconds, and I

told you I was already pissed

and that if you went

to sleep it would be easier

on both of us.

You said,

"That's not how it works"

"Just do it and it will all be over"

While I was typing,

"And you're already on

do not disturb so deal

with it. You were going to

get pissed at me at

some point. Good night."

I could not possibly have

been more cliche and

melodramatic and bitchy.

The moment I sent that, I

received a text from you

that was meant to follow

your previous two.

"I mean it's not like I'm

not asking nicely."

'Please' doesn't make something

nice and I would like you

to remember that. Of all

the things you have done to

me and for me, this is the only

thing I can think of that you

have EVER done that was

unkind - and I know you did

it with the best intentions.

That's what makes this worse.

I am unkind a great amount

of the time. I don't know

how you think I'm nice or

accommodating when I'm literally

always complaining and

whining about my problems

and then refusing to fix them.

I am the most childish

person ever.

I told you I loved you, which

I do, admittedly, do a lot.

I said I was so, so sorry.

I said I would see you

tomorrow and told you I'd

bring you the chocolates

we had talked about at the

beginning of the conversation.

You sent:

"F**k it"

And then you were silent.

I sent:

"Night."

And I hoped that you slept.

And for the next 6

minutes I tried to write

down something,

anything, to make my

hands stop shaking and my

stomach and my core stop

convulsing because you

hate confrontation and you

never got angry and

what in the f**k had I just done?

6 minutes after I sent "Night."

you said

"F**k you"

Cue me ranting and raving

at you and shouting without

shouting and wow, it's like

you had stuck your finger in

the dam that was me to

keep me safe from myself

and all at once you decided

that I wasn't worth the effort

and you took your finger out.

And the whole god damn

dam broke, and you were

flooded. I used your own

words against you, I said "F**k me"

and "Go f**k yourself" so many

times I'm surprised our

conversation wasn't censored

from the government reading

our texts and not caring

about our teenage drama.

And the whole f*****g time

you apologized

your a*s off, and it

was genuine. You tried to

explain yourself and I

refused to make it easy

for you. You told me, finally,

that it was a thing you

used to do - make a list

of "ten stupid things" and it

would make you feel

better and you just needed

me to do it so you

wouldn't feel stupid and

it would be validated.

But the whole time

I was yelling I was

constantly reminding you

that I love you. I was

furious and terrified

but I never wanted you to

forget that. And you

took every inch of the blame

and you apologized

so many times. And you're

so f*****g kind, okay?

It's impossible to be angry

at you when I can tell you're

crying and I know it's

my fault, and even if you

did tell me to f**k myself

it was ONE outburst of

completely legitimate anger

at my own lack of

decency, and how could

I blame you for that?

How could anyone?

And so I was still angry

and I switched to

yelling at you about you,

again, and how the list

idea wasn't stupid

and how I was glad it

was working for you but

how you can't expect it

to work for me, and all

it did was make both of

us feel guilty.

You told me you only sent

me that message to get my

attention and that you

regretted it as soon as you

sent it, and that got me mad

again, but at this point I

was starting to slip into sad-fear

and I couldn't just let you

beat the s**t out of

yourself for telling me to

f**k myself. Honestly, someone

had to do it.

You said something stupid

to hurt me because you

needed validation and I

wasn't complying; as

ridiculous as that is, it's

normal and forgivable

and you are such a f*****g

good person. And I love you.

And so I called you, because

neither of us could

text fast enough and both

of us were dead. And I

have always been the more

emotional of the two

of us, and when you said

"Hello" I couldn't breathe

because you sounded totally

normal. And then I said "Hey",

and I didn't, and when you

followed me with "I'm sorry"

I could hear the

tears and the snot

and the sad in you, and

I was so confused.

We spent an hour

on the phone and it

was the first time you

had ever told you me

you loved me. You just

straight-up told me,

"I love you", and I started to

cry and not lightly

because you had never

before so much as

said "Love you too"

or "Cool," you just always

smile. And you love me,

and I believed you,

but I also believed the

"F**k you" and I was so confused

and upset and I

wanted to blame someone

who wasn't me and there

you were, but we both spent

forever trying

to take the blame

from the other.

By the end of the phone

call you were the only

one who had initiated any

"I love you"s and you had

done it three times, and

we were both happy

(ish) and ready to sleep.

You still don't know my

secret and I hope you

never do ad I hope

also that this never happens

again, but I tried my

best to make it up to

you and I know you know

I love you now.

There are so many details

I left out of this but I

know you'll probably never

tell me that you love me

again, or ask me to make

a list, but even if it depresses

the f**k out of me I swear

to god that on Christmas

day you will wake up to

10 text messages, thought

out and in depth, each

one a bullet on a list of

things I like about myself.

Because I know that it

helps you and I need you

to know that I will do

anything I can to do that, too.

I'm not good at code-switching

and I'm probably not

going to be much fun to

talk to for a while, but I

will try my damndest if

it kills me to make this

list for you.

You love me, I love you too.

So:

1. My eyes.
2. I love people without
hesitation or conditions.
3. I try to always make
myself available for
anyone that needs me.
4. I have survived 2014.
5. I try to mediate. I fail,
but I think trying counts.
6. I really love helping.
7. You think I'm a good
singer and that's sweet,
so I'll work on that, and I
like that I will.
8. I'm nice to wait staff!
9. I like both dogs and cats,
and let's be real, that's
an awesome thing, even
though you hate cats.
10. I have somehow managed
to catch and clutch onto
you and made you want to
stay, and at the moment,
I'm loving it. So yeah.