when chasing the moon

when chasing the moon

A Poem by AutumnBelle

Black night sky

At twilight

Simple moon strung up

A peephole to the mystery

Star smiles dusted across the bridge sky

Revealing bright.

Lightning jagged. Erases reality. Shows light.

What’s hidden.

The atmosphere.

Pulses with beauty, unknown.

I watch a shooting star.

A piece of the great glass colossal mosaic broken

Scrapes the black

Colors and glitter

Black sky scratched and drawn on. 

© 2013 AutumnBelle


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I really enjoyed the setting of this one, I'm a sucker for any and all things moon related. The nighthawk in me flies up and into this one, quite nicely. Some of the descriptions were really good, like those of the smiling stars and bridged sky. The shooting star references were also nice. On the editing side, there were a couple of things that stood out a bit to me though. This line, "A piece of the great glass colossal mosaic broken" is an excellent description, but the word "colossal" seemed a bit unnecessary or repetitive because of the word "great". "The great glass mosaic broken" would to me sound better, but that's only a suggestion. Secondly, the use of the word "light" after having used "twilight" and especially "Lightning" in the same line, seems superfluous or less poignant because of the other similar terms. Lastly, the use of periods, seem odd in that sometimes you used them other times you didn't and if you wanted to show a pause, perhaps a series of them would be more appropriate, "Lightning jagged...Erases reality...Shows light" . Don't let my penchant for editing sway you into believing that I thought it wasn't a good read. I truly did enjoy it.

Posted 6 Years Ago


AutumnBelle

6 Years Ago

thanks for the feedback!! i agree with you about the punctuation and the repetitive nature of the wo.. read more
Astro

6 Years Ago

You're welcome, glad I could help as well as appreciate.
It's really descriptive. I can tell it has a deeper meaning but I can't really tell what it is.

Posted 6 Years Ago


While reading I could imagine a summer night gazed while lying alone on rooftop.

Posted 6 Years Ago


AutumnBelle

6 Years Ago

i love stargazing on summer nights =)

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Added on August 6, 2013
Last Updated on August 6, 2013