Blame

Blame

A Poem by Awdures

My lips were to blame 
For leading you astray
Followed closely by my eyes
Which lead you into temptation.
My whispers came next
Beyond redemption.

Patience, 
you have little truth
And you reap the seeds you sow.
Shackled to your blame,
Looking to me for a call to action
I cannot give you
Your suffocation
In this world
Convocation.

I offer communication,
From wordless lips
Understanding
From burning eyes
Contemplation
from restless fingers
Idiocy
Lingers.

My intelligence was to blame 
For rebuffing your advances
The sound of your name
Devastating
Tempting
Shattering.

My body
A vessel, but not for your enjoyment.
Rather a portal to my 
Self
The parts you failed to see.
So here, I rest my 
blame.

© 2010 Awdures


Author's Note

Awdures
Something missing in this one, and needs edits! Help! :D

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I agree with your analysis, there is something not quite right with this poem. It's not a bad poem, it's just lacking a little something compared to your other work.

When I think of the word 'blame' I get very strong feelings. It's either an accusation or a confession of guilt - either way the word is a weapon to be used against another or oneself. However, the poem seems to be quite light on very negative imagery. If it's about blame then we perhaps need to see the narrator sacrifice themself some more, it should be more about literary self-mutiliation than is apparent here. There's also an element of vagueness about who is to blame, you begin with 'my lips were to blame' but later there's the implication that the other person in the relationship is 'shackled to your blame'.

Technically the poem is as good as ever, you've got some lovely turns of phrase here and some great images: I really like the line, 'understanding from burning eyes' as it's so counter-intuitive. However, I think it's perhaps the connotations of the title and the direction of the content that makes it seem a little at odds with itself.

Posted 9 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

I think you write well I am not a fan of guilt or blame yet they have an intrinsic position in the psyche

Posted 8 Years Ago


Great as is, but I think you're missing just a tinge bit of more insight. What did you lead this person to believe? Or is it simply a mystery? Love it either way

Posted 9 Years Ago


I really like this piece.. I absolutely love the first stanza. Great piece!

Posted 9 Years Ago


This is a good poem. I really did like it. I feel like that too...especially with what happened yesterday. Thanks for sharing. :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


I don't know. The poem seem complete to me. You took me on a journey of decisions of a relationship. Sometime we stop something before it gets too far. Our minds know when to run and find safety. The ending is the norm for all of us. We question everything we do. A excellent poem.
Coyote

Posted 9 Years Ago


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Dan
I hate making recommendations, however - the ONLY thing I would change about this is the last line of the first verse, which I would write:
My whispers followed,
Swallowed pride.

But know what? I really like it.

Posted 9 Years Ago


I believed this was a very good poem. I enjoyed reading it very much. Thanks for sharing. I felt really emotional reading this.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Just like any piece of writing this is open for interpretation, so to say something is missing is not universal unless that opinion is shared by a multitude of feedback. I do not think that anything is missing from this poem, but what throws me off is that you, the writer, think so. Writers are their own worst critiques and we know when something is off. I'll change my writing to stay true to myself based on my view of it, but will never change based on someone else's feedback (unless it's a spelling or grammar mistake - lol).
Having said that, what I see here is a person who labels themselves as the "blame" for the other person's weaknesses. The fact that you say "Shackled to your blame", tells me the person is spellbound by the "blame" and cannot break free.

Good job :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


I'm afraid Shan, that I don't have a critique for this poem because it doesn't need one. What I love about this is how it so clearly describes our attraction to another, even when we know on some level that it's a mistake; how, for whatever reasons, we are drawn back into the arms of disaster in spite of ourselves. This is, no doubt, the way we learn about ourselves. This is an extremely intelligent write and a pleasant read.
"My lips were to blame
For leading you astray
Followed closely by my eyes
Which lead you into temptation.
My whispers came next
Beyond redemption." Splendid.........!

Posted 9 Years Ago


Wow Shan; I don't know what is "missing", but it was a great read just the way it is.
If anything, the only stanza that doesn't rhyme is the last. Not that it bothers me a whole lot, but maybe this is what it needs for closure. This is such a common tale of two people trying to relate when one is shallow and in self loathing, while the other is intelligent and open. Two stanzas popped out at me in a big way.
"I cannot give you
Your suffocation
In this world
Convocation." and this one....
"I offer communication,
From wordless lips
Understanding
From burning eyes
Contemplation
from restless fingers
Idiocy
Lingers."
All in all great write and a smooth read about a complicated subject. I loved the theme of it and the way you unveiled the story. Excellent.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


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Added on July 15, 2010
Last Updated on July 15, 2010

Author

Awdures
Awdures

Bangor, Wales, United Kingdom



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