Cast away

Cast away

A Poem by Aynsley
"

A proud mother, forced to runaway from her beloved husband Jim.

"

As I look upon his face,

I cant help but see his drisgrace.

Whats gotten into him lately?

Is it because I have his baby.

He has gone wack, totaly crazy

I feel so lonely, yet maybe ...

What should I do, how can it change?

I have no clue to what to exchange.

This is it, the time is near,

as I hear the hurtful words of swears.

I runaway far from him,

 holding the future of what becomes of Jim.


© 2010 Aynsley


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Reviews

I wish there was some more imagery, but it's an all-around great piece! Now the only thing that upsets me is your rhyme scheme is A A B B and so on. From the line 'WHat's gotten into him lately?' to the line 'I feel so lonely, yet maybe...' the scheme goes A A A A. Now, it's not a big mistake, but I would like to see an edit of this. Use different words to discribe!! It'll be much more beautiful with a new vocabulary!! Thanks for writing this, dear.


Posted 10 Years Ago


Urban plight all over this one.
Bad not bad at all. Just a tad
more detail but overall pretty
good.

Posted 10 Years Ago


This is truly a touching poem. (: Great write.

Posted 10 Years Ago


Great, tight piece, but I think that the emotional side of this situation could be utilized much more. Also, I would pay attention to spelling a bit more- there are a couple of typos. Overall, a good piece, but with potential to be more.

Posted 10 Years Ago


I like the flow it helped draw me in. It really makes you think what was going on, why is this happening to her.

Posted 10 Years Ago


A clever poem love
Really profound actually!
Sad too
xx

Posted 10 Years Ago


how curious to take a subject that would distress most and reshape it into an almost nursery rhyme for adults~ there is also a flavorful hip hop rhytmic aspecto your write that draws in the reader to explore the more subtle aspects ~well done

Posted 10 Years Ago



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Added on July 1, 2010
Last Updated on July 1, 2010

Author

Aynsley
Aynsley

Sunshine Coast, Maroochydore, Australia



About
Hello my name is Aynsley, but you can call me Amy. I love to review other peoples' writing, so send me a message requesting a review, and wala! I'm quite a shy person. And I guess I always will.. more..

Writing
Chapter 1. Chapter 1.

A Chapter by Aynsley


Chapter 2. Chapter 2.

A Chapter by Aynsley



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