Prologue: An End to the War

25 years before Azazel and Kamikaze coming to the castle, the Yeen Queen was nothing more than a town worker hoping to free her country. See the end of her epic battle.

PROLOGUE: THE END OF A WAR

 

                Explosions from dragon fire surrounded them.  Two felini raised their staves as an icy wind covered the remaining troops surrounding the hyena, kitsune, and nogitsune who brought them all together.  The male of the two felini lowered his staff and grabbed the blue crystal hovering over the top of it as a mass of cold burst in front of him, mowing down shadow lupines from their path.  He fell to his knees afterward and gripped his staff tightly.

“Indi…I’ve done all I can.  I’m sorry…I can’t do more…” he muttered as he passed out, his energy gone.  The hyena stepped forward and gripped her pistols.  She stared in the distance at the massive black dragon lumbering towards them with a black fox and black lion walking at each side and a large black avian flying above him.  She looked at her remaining allies: the other felini with an ice-covered staff, a black kitsune/raccoon hybrid with red tipped hair on his head and gray stripes on his tail, and a black, white, and grey nogitsune (an inverted kitsune).  She sighed and gripped tight, aiming her pistols at the dragon.

 

                “Friends…it’s been an honor to fight with you all…”  She gripped the triggers as masses of light blasted feebly into the massive dragon.  She closed her eyes for a moment.  “I’m sorry…I’m afraid this whole endeavor was in vain…”

 

                “Not quite,” a voice sounded as a massive amount of crossbow bolts flurried into the rest of the shadow lupines as a white felinus appeared from a dark purple portal holding dual crossbows.  He stepped up next to the hyena and held out a silver cube to give to her.  “A gift from Geryon.  All you need to do is crush it.”

 

                “Dusk…I thought Geryon didn’t want to get involved in our country’s troubles…” she inquired as she holstered her pistols and grabbed the cube.  The “coonsune” and nogitsune stepped forward and formed a barrier between the remainder of the dragon’s forces.  Indi gripped tight as the cube broke apart and a massive wave of light elemen magic formed around her pistols.  The pistols floated in the air and erupted in a massive flash of light.  As the light faded, a massive rocket launcher was hovering at her side.  She smirked and gripped the handles and hoisted it over her shoulder.

 

                “I guess the kings have been monitoring things over here and finally agreed that Equinox is too much.  They sent this gift as an offering of good will.  To that extent, I too, offer my services in this war,” Dusk said, gripping his crossbows tight.

 

                The lumbering dragon’s wings folded back against its back as it changed from a massive feral beast to a smaller humanoid dragon with golden eyes.  His wings burst outward and he glanced at the avian above him.  The avian rose up in the air and dived straight toward the nogitsune.  Dusk rushed to protect the nine-tailed ally.  The avian continued its dive and slipped past the felinus’s crossbow bolts and connected on talon with Dusk’s right eye.  The cat reeled back in pain as the avian’s wings folded back as it transformed into a humanoid eagle with runes tattooed all over his body.  Pale yellow eyes stared at the nogitsune.

 

                “Well well, Gotherine.  Looks like you won’t be doing much anymore,” the avian said as a blast of wind thrust both in the air.  Gotherine’s look of surprise seemed to please the avian as he thrust his arms above him and brought them around forming a circle around him, causing ten glyphs to appear spaced apart in the air.  He thrust his arms forward and the glyphs blasted into his target.  He laughed as he returned to his feral form and flew off into the distance, leaving Gotherine to plummet to the ground below.

 

                Dusk looked up into the air and swore silently.  He moved to intercept the falling nogitsune, but before he could reach her, the coonsune was already beneath her and set her softly on the ground.  “Gotherine…”  he muttered to himself. He looked at his friend and breathed a sigh of relief.  She was alive, but unconscious.  He stood back up and his grey eyes turned to glare in the distance at the retreating avian.  He would have to deal with him later.

 

                “You’ll pay…” Indi muttered.  She braced herself and pulled the trigger on the rocket launcher.  The massive weapon released hundreds of rays of lights blasted into the black dragon and his last two remaining allies.  When the dust cleared, the lion and the fox were in their anthropomorphic forms.  The black dragon spoke to both and the turned tail and ran away.  The dragon opened his wings and beat them hard, thrusting him forward towards Indi only to be stopped by a massive pillar of light.

 

                When the light faded, a pure white anthropomorphic fox with pure white eyes and a crystalline scepter could be seen standing where the light had blasted downwards.  She looked at the black dragon and red glyphs resembling wings formed in both of her eyes.

 

                “Equinox…this is where it ends.  Though you may someday escape from your prison, the world will be more prepared to confront your madness once again.  Our progeny will step forward and take your life.  I have already seen it…farewell.”  The fox’s scepter changed into a massive bow as she began hopping around, skewering Equinox with arrows of light.  She threw her bow into the air and it vanished as she plunged her arm directly through the dragon’s chest.

 

                “Though you may only be sealed for now…in the future…you will die…and the world will be truly free of your terror.”  The priestess looked to Indi and smiled softly.  “Indi, please help this country get back on its feet.  You can do it…”  With her last words, both her and Equinox’s body faded and a pink ribbon flew off in the direction of a town off in the distance.

 

                Indi stared in shock as tears quietly rolled down her cheeks.  She gripped the rocket launcher tight, causing it to revert back to the box it came from.  She looked at the others.   “Do you agree?  Do all of you think I should be the one…to bring this country back up…?”

 

                Takumi walked forward and nodded, glancing at the others.  He saw Dusk holding his right hand to his gashed eye, Gotherine getting back to her feet and looking away from everyone, but nodding, and the snow felinus duo slowly recovering and smiling as well.  “Indi, I think I speak for all of us here when I say that we would follow you to the depths of hell if the situation demanded it.”

 

                Indi’s eyes widened in shock as she listened to her friend speak.  The depths of hell?  That was an awfully bold statement, but one the others seemed to agree with.  She looked to Gotherine and was about to speak, but the nogitsune cut her off.

 

                “I do agree that you should be the one to bring this country back to its feet.  However, I will not be joining you all in this endeavor.  Forgive me but…Talon’s assault…not only did it seal away a good portion of my power it…it also left a gift as well it seems…”  Gotherine held her left hand over her stomach and refused to make eye contact.  “Forgive me…I must take my leave…” she uttered as a portal opened and she walked through it, not allowing anyone time to try and convince her to stay.

 

                The snow felinus duo walked up to Indi and smiled.  The male, Invictus, spoke first.  “Indi, without a doubt we will follow you to the ends of the earth once we are able to rejoin you.  Before we return to you however, we must seclude ourselves for a few months.  We have a child on the way…we were lucky that we were able to help bring this fight to an end before Shierra got too far along.”

 

                Indi smiled in understanding and hugged the duo tightly as they began returning to the town.  The fight was over, but now recovery begins…

 

 

                Takumi entered the throne room and looked up and the hyena sitting on a makeshift throne.  It had been five years since Equinox had been sealed away and peace had finally returned to the country.  The town surrounding the massive fortress that the people of the town believed to be an antiquated castle had asked Indi to rule the country and she begrudgingly accepted.  The hyena looked down at her right-hand man, her advisor, her friend, and took note of the two younglings behind him.  She raised an eyebrow questioningly and the coonsune stood in front of her.

 

                “Indi, I know you’re likely confused, but these two emitted unusually strong auras for younglings.  Their two friends did as well, but I couldn’t find them.  They were fleeing from Venik when I came across them.  Venik…I’m afraid he will need a closer watching.  I’m afraid his ties to his old master are not so easily severed.”

 

                “Why them?  The town is full of people with strong auras.  Why bring younglings?  Especially those that are barely out of infancy?”  Indi’s voice was sharp, almost annoyed as she stared at the children.  Takumi nodded and continued to explain.

 

                “Normally I wouldn’t even consider younglings such as this to be brought in but…their auras...”  Takumi glanced back at the younglings and back to Indi.  “The hellcat’s aura is very similar to Gotherine’s.  And the hound…” he paused for a moment before continuing.  “His aura is almost identical…to Equinox…”

 

 

In the woods outside of town, a small black canid youngling opened his eyes to reveal black x’s for pupils.  He slowly stood up and noticed a large black lion-like figure.

 

                “You will be useful for the master’s plan…Xenimar.”

Author's Note

Tentatively the final product of the prologue

Reviews

[JayG]

A few points. First, presentation

Double space between paragraphs or indent. Never both. And for publishing, the preferred way is to indent.

Next, the story:

A good deal of the story in your head never made it to the page, because you’re focused on talking about what YOU visualize, not what matters to the protagonist. But story isn’t what happens. That’s history, and if you write a story as a history and it reads like nonfiction.

Our goal isn’t to make the reader know what happens. History books tell us of the events. Fiction, well done, makes us live those events in real-time, AS the protagonist. That's where the joy of reading is. And that can’t be done with either the report-writing skills we’re given in school or verbal storytelling skills. It takes the specialized knowledge and techniques unique to the profession we call, Fiction-Writing.

The result of your, “Let me tell you a story,” outside-in approach is that your pre-knowledge of the story fills in any missing information, as you read, where presenting the story in the protagonist’s viewpoint would catch it. As an example, look at the opening lines as the reader, who knows only what the words sat, must view it:

• Explosions from dragon fire surrounded them.

First, “dragon fire” could be the name given to something like flaming logs launched toward a castle. It could be anything. So unless the reader knows what it refers to in THIS story, the term is meaningless. You know what you mean. The people in the story know. But who did you write this for? Shouldn’t they have context, too? It may become clear if we read on, but a confused reader is one who is closing the cover. Remember, there is no second first-impression.

Next, we don’t know where and when we are. So what’s exploding because of “dragon fire? And how big are these explosions? Without knowing that, the words lack context and are meaningless.

And: Surrounded “them?” You know who they are, why they’re there, and what’s going on. So for you, these words point to images, ideas, and even action, that’s stored in your mind. But what about the reader? They have no pre-knowledge. So when the reader looks at these words, they point to images, ideas, and even action, that’s stored in *YOUR* mind. But you’re not there to explain, when it’s read. So...

• Two felini raised their staves as an icy wind covered the remaining troops surrounding the hyena, kitsune, and nogitsune who brought them all together.

Two what? The words are meaningless. And they raised their staves? In salute? In defense? You give no hint. Again, you know. They know. The reader? They’re saying, “Huh?”

It seems that people are in a battle. If so, they’re too busy trying to survive to care that the wind is cold. And you’re neither on the scene nor in the story. So who’s noticing this?

Bottom line: To write fiction you need the skills the pros take for granted. Lacking them you’ll fall into all the new writer traps. We don’t learn to write fiction by reading it, any more than we learn to cook by eating. And, it's not taugfht in our school days. So, what's left? The same thing as for any other profession. You get to work learning the necessary skills.

So, first, you need to write from your chair and edit from the reader’s, knowing only what the words suggest to them, and keeping in mind that only you can hear the emotion you can in the narrator’s voice.

I realize that this is far from the response you were hoping for, especially given that you felt it was close to ready for publication. But keep in mind that it’s not a matter of talent or how well you write. It’s that the skills of all professions are acquired in addition to the general set we get in our school days. So…you have the desire and the story. Doesn’t it deserve the best possible setting, and the professional presentation your readers expect? Is that story not worth investing a bit of time in gathering the necessary skills—skills that make the act of writing even more fun than it is now?

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge resource. But the best book on the basics of fiction writing I’ve found to date—the book that got me published, is available free at the site I link to below this paragraph. So grab a copy. And for a kind of overview of the issues, the articles in my WordPress writing blog are, for the most part, based on that book’s teachings. So you might dig through a few of them.
https://ru.b-ok2.org/book/2640776/e749ea

But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/